Friday, December 31, 2010

I'll Move On Baby, Just Like You...

I don't feel like writing.
It's new years, but I'm sick and don't feel like taking the energy to think.
but I will, of course. It's mandatory, in my mind anyways.

I wish I could go back and remember all the things that have happened to me this year, all the things that have changed, but I honestly would have no idea where to start. My world has flipped upside down;
new friendships have replaced the old,
new horse and barn,
new coach and then new coach again [and again],
new relationships within my family,
new clothes,
new confidence,
new opinion,
new knowledge.

I've been happy, sad, worried, nervous, anxious, loud, silent, reflective, oblivious. I've fallen in love with new music, new horses, new friends, and new boys. Everything has changed, but everything is still the same. I'll remember yesterday for what it was; a stepping stone on my way to today. I'll look back and laugh at the silly, funny, stupid things I did in 2010 and laugh because it happened, and it is a part of me. I'll smile, because I know that no matter what happens in 2011 I have my family, the whole thing, behind me every step of the way. I'll reach goals because losing is not something I like to do. I'll move forward, live lightly, love passionately, trust few but with much, smile often. Laugh. Live. Love. Learn. Spend. Smile. Travel.

Goodbye my wonderful, eventful, exhilarating, lovely 2010.
Hello my beautiful, mysterious, exciting, fresh start.

Nice to see you 2011.

I've been waiting for you a while.

- xx, Kelly.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

You're One Of A Kind...

The feeling of letting go. Taking that first deep breath that mixes anxiety into your blood and takes it for a ride. The adrenaline, the inability to contain your smile, the inability to contain your heart.

You’re untouchable, flying higher than anyone has ever been.

It’s freedom.

Not the kind that can be taken away,

The freedom that lives in your heart.

The sounds of the wind slipping past you,

Let your worries go, love

You’ve got all the time in the world.

He takes you to a place you’ve never been before,

Where the sun shines brighter, the birds sing louder,

The butterflies sparkle more.

Your heart tells you – take in what you can,

Before it disappears.

He wraps you up in his arms

Lifting every weight from your heart.

Let your worries go, love

You've got all the time in the world.


- xx, Kelly.

Friday, December 24, 2010

I Don't Know How To Tell You...

I don't know how to tell you.
I love everything about you.
I can't stop thinking about what you mean to me, how I can't be without you. You are so easy to talk to, so easy to deal with, so easy to be around. You know I'm not like anyone else, both a good [I hope] and a bad thing, and you still go out of your way for me. You keep me out of trouble. You are always there for me. You believe what I tell you over what you hear. You keep me from getting hurt. You make me smile, laugh, love, live.
You are so special - one of a kind really.

I don't know how to tell you.
I hate everything about you.
I can't stop thinking about what you've done to me, how much easier things would be without you. You don't talk to me, you cause so many problems [most of which are unnecessary], you never seem to want to be around me. You run away from me to be with your little friends. You lie, you cheat, you're so unbelievably hypocritical. You are the reason I have to find someone to be there for me, because you never listen to my side of the story. You hurt me. You make me cry, scream, frustrated, angry. You have making me mad down to a science.
You are so mean - one of a kind really.

- xx, Kelly.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Will You Let Me Drown?...

I hate that you make me happy. That every time I get a message from you, a call, a smile, I can't hold back - I have to smile, and laugh, and dance around.

I guess I only hate it because I love it so much, and it scares me that you have the power to do this to me. Don't abuse it, please?

I like being happy.

I like you.

I like being happy, and I like being with you.

- xx, Kelly.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Tingling, Silent, Numb...

I hate crying.
I hate not believing.
I hate regret.
I hate anger.
I hate jealousy.
I hate being lonely.
I hate longing.
I hate darkness.

Those moments where everything is so silent, everything is still, and you can't seem to find a single thought in your brain. You forget to breathe, you forget to care, you forget to do anything. You just are. You are living, just because. There is an endless nothingness, a sense of calm. You are at the eye of a storm. Everything is turned around and handed back to you, and you just watch as the world exists around you. Nothing is stopping anyone from buy and selling, talking and stealing, living and loving. You just aren't participating. You are quite, alone, and a disturbed sort of tranquil.

- xx, Kelly.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Things I'll Never Say...

I'm in over my head.
I can't find the surface. Which way is up? Why does this happen, this feeling, this flutter, this nervous energy, this little smile that makes your stomach do cartwheels.

It makes you crazy, some say.
Makes you want to skip down the street and smile at everyone you walk past, wishing them a good day. Makes you want to do good things for everyone so they can feel what it's like to be this happy. Makes you want to giggle and run in circles and fly. This contentment that makes you want to drive 300km and hour to your favourite place, be with the one who is making you really feel, and sit quietly, happily. Makes you want to spend the night talking, not talking, cuddling, kissing, being. In the true innocence of it all.

I hate the ache inside that makes you so, so happy. The thrill of new feelings. The excitement of attention paid. When boys call you 'babe'. When they act hurt because you tease them. The waiting and watching when you wake up, did they call/text/message me? I hate that I love this all so much.

Please, call me babe if you want something to come of this - it's my biggest weakness. Hold me just a little longer and a little tighter and a little closer. Tell me you miss me, you love me, you think I'm pretty if it's real - never before, I don't need to hear it ever if it's not really there, I'm okay with that. Visit me, surprise me, show up on my doorstep and demand I go for a walk or a drive or somewhere with you. Talk about whatever crosses your mind, who cares about relevancy? Let me steal your clothes, shirts make the best pyjamas, sweaters and sweats are perfect for nights at the barn. Get to wherever I am when I'm hurt or crying if it's something real, not just a cut but a fight with a parent, etc. Call or text me good morning every once and a while. Hold my hand, or put your hand in my back pocket. Kiss me in front of other pretty girls you know / are friends with. Come up behind me and kiss my neck and hold me around my waist. Smile at me, just because. Touch my lower back softly if you want to make me giggle, it's so ticklish and I think it's cute when guys figure that out. If you really want to win me over, listen carefully: I am a city girl, but my heart belongs in the country. Take me out to the countryside one night, don't tell me where we're going, take me somewhere with a beautiful view and a sky full of stars. Sit with me, hold me, you'll see. I could never be happier.

- xx, Kelly.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Carpe Diem...

Once upon a time thee was a little girl, and she was beautiful. Her little heart was full of questions, desires, opinions and music. She spent her time working hard at the things she loved, always making time when there didn't see to be enough. She never let those questions, desires, opinions, or music fade, even in the most stressful of times.

The little girl grew older, afraid that she would lose the things that were her make-up, she promised herself something: no matter what happened, no matter where she was, no matter what time, who she was with, what she was doing in her life, she would always keep those essential things with her. Especially the music.

This little girl grew, and as she did she continued to dance to the beat of her own drum; she promised she would never, ever give up on that drum.

Don't let yourself lose yourself. You are you, you are special, you are irreplaceable, you are unique, you are perfect, you are flawed. You are amazing. Never cease to amaze yourself.

- xx, Kelly.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Deck The Halls...

I'm sitting in my living room by myself. Newspapers, books and magazines piled on the coffee table, dishes in the rack slowly drip, drip, driping dry. Photos of trips out west, to europe, mexico, the cottage on the walls. Smiling faces looking out at me. The christmas music playing in the background is only disturbed by the flickering and crackling of the fire burning steadily beside me.

Christmas is a time, I think, to remember your family. A time to slow down and say to yourself, "wait a minute, look at all of this, look at all these things I have that I walk by every day and totally forget their significance." A time to look back and laugh, cry, smile, reflect on everyone who has touched you in your life. A time to remind your sibling that, although I currently am refraining from ringing your neck, I do love you.

This is a time, to smile simply because you are here! You've made it this far, things have gone wrong and you've done your best to take them as they come. People have tried to tear you down one rumour at a time, and you've told them in a polite and smiling manner, to fuck off.

This probably sounds a little all over the place, but my head is spinning with things and people who make me happy and that I want to spend my christmas with. 12 more days.

- xx, Kelly.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

For The Nights We Can't Remember...

Here's to the long days, the heat waves,
heartbreaks, the first plunge into the water.
Cold drinks,
hot boys.
Good laughs and long chats - to the nights we can't remember, and the days that turned into mornings with the friends that turn into family.
Last but not least, the memories.
You will be missed summer 2010.
Catch you in a while.

Here's to the school days, the weekend raves,
the final five minutes of last period on friday.
Hot drinks, hotter hookups.
Better laughs and longer chats - to more nights we'll never remember, waking up with the people we know as family.
Bigger memories we wont forget, bigger mistakes we can't correct.
What's up December 2010, it's nice to finally meet you.

- xx, Kelly.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

We're All Halfway Gone...

I was going through photos on another website I came across one that really made me feel. It showed a cell phone and read,



"My best friend died over the summer. I still have his number in my phone. Every time I'm upset, I still call him so I can hear his voicemail. It makes me feel better."

Reading this sent a shiver down my spine, and made me stop and really think about everything I have, everyone I love, and what it all means to me. I have so many good friends and so much amazing family, I really am lucky to have all the people I have. So, here's a little note to all of them:

Mom and Dad [and stepmom and stepdad] - you've shaped me since day one, you've help me through endless anxiety attacks and allowed me to grow and learn and be free. Thank you.

My girls - you are all seriously amazing. The time I've spent with you has been nothing short of extraordinary. The late nights, illegal actions, lessons learnt, sleepovers, bridges built, bridges burnt, love ignited, love extinguished. I'm forever here for you - a shoulder to cry on, a helping hand; I know you have been the same for me, and for this I am eternally thankful.

The few guys that have stuck around, my siblings, step siblings, and everyone in between - with your help, in big and small ways, I have grown into the person I am today. Though your contribution may be small, positive, negative, it will never be replaced and you have forever moulded me. I promise, I appreciate even the worst of factors.

To whatever degree, I love you all. I cannot imagine life without you, but I know eventually it is a reality. I hope you are all successful in life, everything you aspire to be and everything you dream and work for is earned. And yes, this includes those of you who have been negative impacts in my life. You still created a part of me. Separation is probable, death is inevitable, forever is only a life time on this earth - you will forever be a factor in mine.

- xx, Kelly.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Monday, December 6, 2010

Wait For Me This Time...

I hate people who tell me what I can and cannot do. I hate people that are only capable of talking about themselves and have no compassion when it finally becomes your turn to speak. I hate people who talk about everyone else, unable to hold back when they want to add a rude comment to a conversation about a person. I hate being the victim of gossip, I hate making decisions I regret, and sometimes I hate that I'm open with my opinions. I hate the teachers that expect students to be robots. I hate mornings like this morning when you wake up and a weight presses down on your chest making it all so much more difficult to keep breathing. I hate these mornings because all you want to do is go back to sleep, not because you're tired, but simply for the reason that you don't want to face everything you're feeling. When you wake up and you realize that you can't hide from all these silly boys and girls. When you wake up and you realize, today is just another day in this never ending cycle of wakeup-school-homework-sleep and repeat.
This is high school.

I would like to tell those teachers who tell me I can't that actually, I can thank you. Those who can only talk about themselves to stop because their insecurity which is talking isn't helping their case. Those that pick on people to shut the fuck up and worry about what actually concerns them, not everyone around them. And dear god, why are we not supposed to break down, show emotion, be human? This is how we were created isn't it? So why do we try and pretend we're something else? Those mornings wouldn't really be a problem then, everything would be much more manageable.
High school seems to only tell me that I can't.

Thank you. Actually, I can.

- xx, Kelly.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

How To Love...

Love - an intense feeling of affection / a deep romantic or sexual attachment to someone / a great interest and pleasure in something / to like very much

Love.
fondness, appreciation, warmth, intimacy, attachment, devotion, adoration, passion, desire, lust, affection.

What defines love. How do we know we're feeling love. Does loving someone mean you're comfortable with them? Does it mean you want to be with them? Does it mean you can't be without them?

What is love. Is there one kind of love? Does that feeling of not knowing, waiting for him to call waiting for a sign constitute love in it's entirety? Is love the feeling of unity and security in family? Is love the near sibling relationship between best friends, inseparable and incomplete without each other? Or, is love something utterly different?

How to love, and how to let love go. One in the same really; if you consider how difficult it is to love - to put your feeling in the open, trust in another flawed being, and give everything you have. Compare this to how complicated it is to let love go - cut ties, leave feelings to disintegrate back to nothing, accept a future wildly different than what's become normal, and breathe, feel, think, decide for one person again.

Love. It's a word people use for a lot of things; we throw it around to the point that it's lost it's meaning. Love. A word I can't seem to find in myself to say to very many people, including family. Love. A mystery of heart and soul, a gift, a blessing, a puzzle, a secret, all the while wholly transparent.

Love is infinite/everywhere/nowhere/undefined.

- xx, Kelly.

Monday, November 29, 2010

11pm, 12pm, 1am ...

I have:
- three tests to study for
- an assignment
- a project

.. who knew school and sleep deprivation were synonyms?


Just 10 more full school days, and then we're at Christmas break already!

Can't waitt!

- xx, Kelly.

Walk Away From Him...

Everyone compromises.
We all make sacrifices, big and small, to try and make things as fair, reasonable, and favourable as possible. There are so many things we want in a day, not nearly half can go our way. It's not realistic to think otherwise. We as humans have an amazing ability to be selfish - we do what we want, when it's convenient for us, if is benefits us. Problem is, in a world of 'me firsts' something's got to give. If you each pull on one end of a rope you'll struggle to get it to one side; however, if you both agree on a side and stand at one end, voila, problem solved.

You see, there are so many things we need to learn to compromise on, in school, work, relationships and every other aspect of life. One thing I urge you to remember never to compromise, though:

Never settle for less than you deserve.

At the end of the day, shit happens, we make mistakes, people aren't who we believe them to be and hey, sometimes there's just a lovely black cloud above your head. But, you are unique, it's your black cloud, you are special, you are an individual, you are irreplaceable, you are you.

Don't ever settle for someone or something that is not deserving of you. Because if you have pride and knowledge of your self worth you are more worthy of happiness than royalty.

- xx, Kelly.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Just Like They Said It Would...

I hate this. I actually really fucking hate this feeling. In the pit of my stomach, all I can feel is that I knew all along, I should have run away while there was still a chance. I had two options: run far far away and hide behind the biggest barricade I could create, or run, not from, but to you.

It sounds so contradictory, but running away and running to you would have kept me equally as safe; to you would mean that I would have someone to hold me, listen, be there. Away meant I would be totally free of you, cut ties, and go where the wind blows.

Instead, I chose to stay standing right where I was – just a little bit out of your reach – not far enough away to protect my heart. I didn’t know what to do at the time, and honestly I still don’t know what I should have done, but one thing I do know is that I should have done something. Anything.

Because you see, you are happy. I’m happy for you, but you don’t need me, so it’s hard and complicated and everything I told you I didn’t want this to become.

I was right all along, do you see that now? Remember that night, you told me, “Kelly, you’re not going anywhere” what happened? Please explain to me what changed in a couple weeks that allowed you to forget. I’m still here, I still want to talk to you, see you, be a part, even if only a small part, of your life.

I guess they were right all along – you only befriend girls who can do something for you, as soon as they’re not useful you walk away. I learned a lovely lesson from you boy, and I thank you for that, but don’t try and deny that I haven’t changed, I’m still here somewhere in the middle, just a friend like always. You’ve run away, taking a little bit of me with you.

- xx, Kelly.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Reach Within And Find You...

Back again. I'm home. The place I write my best the most the easiest. It's strange but I am calm and quiet and comfortable and happy when sitting in a cab. I don't have to speak, I don't have to be anyone, do anything i don't want to. I can just sit, think, and watch the world around me.

It's strange, but I almost feel more at home when I'm in cabs then I do in my own room. I think it's because in a cab I'm in charge of my own agenda, going, doing, seeing what I want. Something that doesn't always work when you live in your parents house.

I love being in the car, especially at night. I love the night, I love the city at night, I love that things get quiet on even the busiest of streets after 10 o'clock.

I love the city lights, I love the 'quiet' city nights, and I love making the cab stop half a block from home, and walking that little distance in the crisp night air.

- xx, Kelly.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Believe In Me...

Believe.

Believe that everything is going to be alright.
Believe that no matter what, you are beautiful, you are lovely, you are unforgettable.
Believe that you are one of millions. Believe you are one in a million.
Believe in true love and sincerity.
Believe that even the darkest days have their blessings.
Believe in the good in everyone.
Believe in karma, in revenge, in reward.
Believe in yourself, know that you can be whatever you want to be, don't limit yourself to average.
Believe the sun will rise every morning.
Believe in the magic of Christmas.
Believe in the strength of others. Believe in the strength within yourself.
Believe in fairytales, in happily ever after.
Believe in friendship.
Believe in science. Believe in God.
Believe in something more than our existence, in something greater, something beautiful.
Believe in the beauty of nature.
Believe in happiness.
Believe in our innate ability to feel, to touch, to smile, to breathe.
Believe in love.
Believe in me.

Believe in everything, whether it is good or bad. Believe because if we don't believe we have nothing. We are what we believe in. Believe in yourself especially, and believe in everyone and everything around you, they will believe in you too.

- xx, Kelly.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Maybe Next Time He'll Think...


Someone explain to me, why is it that boys do this? Why do we trust them, give them our hearts, especially when we're so young? What makes us believe that everything is going to work out, and it will all be okay? Do we really know what we're getting ourselves into?

Boys talk to girls. And I don't mean talk as in communicate, rather flirt, and everything that ensues from that point forward. I know enough boys who are technically taken, but would cheat without all that much thought on the subject.
It scares me.

I will never be that girl that a guy cheats with [to every extent I can control - if I don't know him and he says he's single, can I really control that?] because I can't imagine being in his girlfriend's position. I hope other girls have the same view on this as I do, and I hope I'm wrong about these boys.

- xx, Kelly.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

We Remember...


We remember today, all those brave souls who lost their lives fighting for the freedom of generations they would never know.



We remember today, the efforts of every being in war times that brought us to a world of safety and acceptance.

We remember today, those family members who fought for freedom, and the struggle they went through.

For you, we remember...

- xx, Kelly.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Not The Kind Of Girl...

It is perfectly normal, or so I'm told, to want what you can't have. And you see, there are many days where I'm like this; I want happiness, I want help, I want someone.

My problem is, I don't really know what I'm looking for. It could be right under my nose, it could be far far away, or is could be something I'll never find. I don't know. I don't know a lot of things, but what I do know is this:

I want someone who can talk me down from anxiety attacks, make me smile and laugh even on the worst of days, encourage me to be the best I can be, tolerate my quirks, insecurities, moods, holds me tight always, someone who knows me enough to see when they need to back off, and someone who I can make truly happy. Because, you see, anyone who can make me smile and laugh, tolerate my minor insanity and anyone I can do the same for is someone worth sticking with in my opinion.

Now, do I know you yet? Or do I still need to find you?

I guess like most things, I really don't know.

- xx, Kelly.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Grow Back Stronger...

We Change, We Wait.




We change, we wait.
I am on my own,
but it's nice to see you came alone.
And this might sound wrong,
but I can only tell you through a song.
And I will take my time,
because it's the only thing that's on my side.
And this can't be real,
tell me do you ever feel?

I've been changing,
you're still waiting on me.
I'll never let go.
You said I'll never grow up.

Two years now since I met you,
and I just can't forget about you.
You don't know what you do to me,
oh you don't know what you're doing to me.
And baby I'm not lost,
I'm just a little confused on what to do.
And it's all on me,
oh it's not you why can't you see?

I've been changing,
you're still waiting on me.
I'll never let go.
You said I'll never grow up.

Who are you now?
Who are you now?
This shit is so played out.



































- xx, Kelly.

No One Has To Know...

I hate these words. They allows us on so many occasions to forget our morals, and do something we wouldn't dream of doing in the light of day. Maybe it's something small, like a message to someone or sharing a secret, maybe it's a kiss, maybe it's a feeling, maybe it's an offence.

Do we ever consider the fact that someone is always going to know? You can't do anything in this life that doesn't at least slightly effect someone else. It's the ripple effect. It's everywhere.

Now, what if I told you a story of a boy I knew. It's a story of boy meets girl, but I'll tell you right now it is not a love story. It is a story that has haunted the girl since since, and hopefully by telling you it will be let go, in a sense.

One night, after a little too much, this boy met a girl, and when I say met I really mean got to know her fairly well. He started talking to her more and more, told his friends he really was into her [however believable/unbelievable that is] and I guess he really started to consider it.

One night, after a lot of fun, stress, and flirting, this girl met a boy, and when I say met I really mean got to know him fairly well. She started talking to him more and more, even though it stood in the way of a good friendship [something that shouldn't have happened but did] she started to like the boy.

That was the beginning.

One night, at the boy's house, the girl and her friends were all hanging out with the boy and his friends. It was a fun night, and ended with the call of a cab. As the girl stood up to go outside to her cab, the boy stopped her and said he would go upstairs with her. She told him she was leaving, but he said she still had 5 minutes [an old trick] before the cab would be there, and he would keep her company upstairs.

That was after the end, and a painful reminder of feeling that weren't gone.

That night, the boy walked the girl to the cab, said goodbye, and that was that. He went back inside where their other friends were.

That was before the girl's feelings towards the boy had ever gone away.

The next morning, the girl found out something that made her hurt so so much, in her heart, her lungs and her stomach. She ached on the inside, her anxiety attacked her stomach, and she had to concentrate on breathing. Now, I couldn't tell you if it was anger that took over the girl, or maybe a sense of betrayal, or loss of trust, but it was definitely something strong.

That was after the real end.

The night before, after the girl left the boy on the front step of his house, he went back to her friends and met two of her friends, when i say met i really mean got to know them fairly well.

This boy is the classic example of "no one has to know..." its what he tells them all, thats what he told me, thats how I justified it, thats how these friends justified it.

A word of advice: if someone says no one has to know, everyone is going to know. You can't expect it to stay quiet. I wont keep those secrets quiet, so sorry, but sometimes it's karma enough to let that out. Don't do it if you can't handle what it will bring the next morning.

I've made my mistakes, but I will never expect that to be kept quiet. I never asked you to patronize me and tell me everything I did wrong, thats not your problem so get the fuck out of it. I wont patronize you, thats not my problem and I want nothing to do with it. But do me a favour, grow up and realize you can't hide things forever, and after what you have done to me I wont hide that for a second.

- xx, Kelly.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

What Is Your Ending...


I've always had this problem.
I get myself so wrapped up in things, little things even, that take place in books. One of my favourite things to do is curl up with a good book. It sounds so cliche, but it is so comforting.
I love reading about Henry VIII and Katherine of Aragon and Anne Boleyn. I love stories of deception and political disputes involving spies and such. I love the Bourne books, I love mysteries and murder mysteries. I love stories of love and happy endings. I love books that make me laugh, and books that make me cry. I especially love the books you wish you never read, solely for the reason that you get so attached to the characters and how loved they are. That fairytale ending we all look for.

I miss having enough time to read books. I used to go through a hundred or so a school year. Now I fit ten in if I'm lucky. Simple books, not literary masterpieces, the books that one can read with little difficulty and can really enjoy. My new goal is to change this. I'm going to get a couple of the books I've set aside to read and start on them. We'll see, maybe I get back to my one hundred a year average? I don't seem to have time, but I'll figure it out.

A good book leaves you lonely - missing the companionship of the characters. It lets you decide it's ending.

- xx, Kelly.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

All The Time In The World...

The feeling of letting go. Taking that first deep breath that mixes anxiety into your blood and takes it for a ride. The adrenaline, the inability to contain your smile,
the inability to contain your heart.

You're untouchable. Flying higher than anyone has ever been.

It's freedom.

Not the kind that can be taken away, the freedom that lives in your heart.

The sound of the wind slipping past you, let your worries go love, you've got all the time in the world.

He takes you to a place you've never been before, where the sun shines brighter, the birds sing louder, the butterflies sparkle more. Your heart tells you - take in what you can, before it disappears.

He wraps you up in his arms lifting every weight from your heart.

Let your worries go love, you've got all the time in the world.

- xx, Kelly.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

The Key...

There's something striking about a single key. Like a question waiting unanswered. A whole second half. The beginning of a tale of love, friendship, hopes and dreams. One would never end a thought with only a comma; nor would a story end with only a key. A single note, a powerful sign, an openness to completion. A love to be fulfilled.

It has been almost 16 months since I first wore my key. A single silver key; very simple, worn around my neck. So simple, yet so noticeable. The key is one to an everlasting love; a friendship unlike any other. The key I wear around my next is the key to my best friend's heart, and the key she wears is the key to mine. Any boy who steals my heart must get her approval before he can have the key. Any boy that steals her heart has to go through me first.

We wear the keys as a way to be together always - though we live hundreds of kilometres apart. We are one in the same, completing each other. But neither of us holds the lock that matches the other's key. Though I keep her key safe around my neck it will not belong to me forever. The day the man she falls in love with asks for her hand is when I turn over the key.

This note is to my best friend. One of very few who know all my secrets, and the girl who's been there the longest. I'll love you forever, girlie. Through thick and thin, love and hate, success and failure. And of course, through the boys we fall for that break our hearts, the ones who never look back, and that one special one that is just right.

- xx, Kelly.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Maybe I'm A Lot Of Things...

I don't care. I don't care.
I don't care. I shouldn't care.
I really shouldn't care.
Why do I care?

It seems that every time I attach myself to someone there's a reason to detatch within a couple months/ weeks/ days.
I'm not sure whether I create reasons, of if I'm too demanding, or maybe I'm drawn to the wrong people.. I really couldn't tell you; what I do know is that it hurts.

It hurts when someone you trust lies to you -
I get told I'm too soft, I'm gullable, I'm easy to trick and lie to. Well, maybe.
Maybe I'm easy to lie to, maybe I trust too much, maybe I'm soft. But, maybe, just maybe, it's because I trust my friends, and wouldn't expect them to lie to me. If I did it to you, maybe I'd expect it in return.

I've been told I'm predictable. That I don't know what I want, that I do know what I want and that it's obvious. Well, maybe.
Maybe I'm predictable, maybe I'm obvious, maybe I'm easy to read. But, maybe, just maybe, it's because I'm not trying to fool anyone. I am what I am. At the end of the day I always will be. So tell me, why would I hide that from you? Why bother with silly games when I am predictable and obvious and all of the above?

I'm quite straight forward: I trust what people tell me, I'm predictable, I may not always know every detail but for the most part I know what I want, I am human, I make mistakes.

Please tell this friendship wasn't another mistake?

I care too much.

- xx, Kelly.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Release Me From Your Spell...

Dear Boy,

I would like to tell you a story, and it goes a little something like this:

It was one day, a little while ago that I saw you; it was one day, a little while ago that I was struck by you. Those butterflies everyone talks about seemed to congregate in my stomach, anxiety, excitement, fear - the whole nine yards. You were soo easy to talk to, not a mean bone in your body. You made me laugh, made me smile, made me want you to want me around you. Made me want you, period.

Dear Boy,

Do things always get complicated? It seemed so easy, so relaxed and fun - and dare I say, right? Boy, I know I'm no Adriana Lima, I may not be the most free spirited, funny person you've ever met, and I may be a bit different from the average ideal girl; but was I really this wrong about everything on top of this? Did I really miss the mark by that much?

Dear Boy,

From the moment I met you, I knew you were bad news. No questions asked, no information necessary; everything about you screamed RUN!, but I couldn't move. Every inch of my body was drawn to you when you gave me that first smile, and that scheming wink. I wasn't thinking, but boy was I feeling. From the moment I met you, I knew how things would end.

Dear Boy,

I don't know what to tell you; whether I tell you exactly what I feel, or I wait. Things get complicated, but still things stay simple, easy almost. From the moment I met you, I knew you were trouble; from the moment I met you, I knew it wasn't the trouble that would hurt me.

- xx, Kelly.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Love Is A Luxury...


People say love is what makes the world go round. It sustains us, that to live without love is impossible, right? If you asked me that question straight up, I'd say "love is a luxury, we can live without it."

But then I started thinking about it.. maybe it does make the word go round, I mean, isn't it was we all live for, how we al ended up here?

Everyone looks for love, everyone is happy in love. But is it totally cynical to believe that it's not love that makes the world go round, but karma?

Think about it.
I did, and now I'm not so sure what I think.

- xx, Kelly.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Maybe One Day I'll Settle Down...

Inspiration, hopes and dreams, love.

Four things that keep you going in the dead of winter, on that dark, cold, lonely night. When you're sitting on the window bench of the room you currently inhabit. Four things that keep you from feeling dark, cold, lonely on that winter night. Because you know that everything is okay, you're content with silence.

Call me delusional, but I find those nights are among the best. I love windows, I could sit on my window seat of hours, just watching, thinking, breathing. I love the snowy and rainy nights; they bring a kind of quiet that is calm and relaxed. I love being just a little bit cold, it always makes me feel better. And lonely, well.. I'm never lonely.

I have good friends, family, and my horse. So maybe I'll settle down, or maybe I'll never give up on moving. One thing I know is that I will be happy either way - my friends, family, horses and me.

- xx, Kelly.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Steal A Girl's Heart...

I had to make this a post separate from all others because it marks the end of a special little text I've added to the bottom of each post for the past 60 blog posts.

Anyone can tell you that girls are predictable; we love to be complimented, and there are certain things you can do to get yourself in and out of trouble with any girl. Yet we are also so unbelievably erratic in our decisions and emotions. 60 Ways To Steal A Girl's Heart was a little note I added to each post because I liked or agreed with what it was saying.

I love when a boy calls me babe or beautiful, when a boy holds me tight for longer than necessary, when a boy stands up for me against his friends [or mine], i love waking up to a text from him saying good morning, cuddling, when a boy picks me up and twirls me around, i love spending time one-on-one, i love walking or sitting by a window and talking, I love being able to talk to someone who isn't going to take my words and twist them around.

I really am quite simple; master all of these things, and you'll have my heart.

- xx, not stolen yet.

# 60 hug her, kiss her, hold her and you'll be good to go

Dont You See, Dreams Lie In The Palm Of Your Hand...

We start our lives as soft little question marks, asking question after question. Wanting to know as much as we can possibly squeeze into our little heads. We grow, we age, and soon we're off to school to learn more and more. Somewhere along the way, however, we stop questioning. We lose interest in why things happen; we get too tired to ask why. And then we coast. We do as little as we can to get the marks we need. We read the books we have to, nothing more sometimes less (hello, sparksnotes?)

We learn less, know less, and progress less as we move forward in our education. Paradox?

We transition from a vibrant, curious question mark into a simple, pre established period. A definite end. Before, absorbed in the desire to know why; we wanted to understand, comprehend and create our own ideas from the information we took in. As we progress we are told more and more - fact after fact. This is what you believe, this is what you are to know. This is truth, this is right. Where is the learning in that?Memorizing facts is fine, but how does that help you?

I want to go back to that vibrant little question mark.

Why does it seem like I'm the only one?

- xx, Kelly.