Baby, Come On Home...

This is something new for me, and although there are a million and one other things I need to be doing right now, I can't focus on anything until I put this out there. Wherever there is.

I can't ever seem to figure out a proper balance between good and bad. I find everything flows back and forth. I roll along with the tide until I get pushed into the reality of the unforgiving shore. Then, slowly, I am pulled back under, and when I emerge, there is sun and blue skies and miles between the shore and I. And until I am again caught off guard, I am calm and happy and relaxed in my paradise among the waves and the sun.

The issue, I'd like to say is you but unfortunately, is me. I'm good at picking the things I shouldn't. I'm not one for easy decisions, and even when I think I'm making one, making a safe decision and doing the right thing, I find there is always a catch.

Well, this is no different. I am a person who make decisions quickly it may seem. But I wait, and I think for a long time before I do anything. It's after all of this time, after I've had the ability to really know what I'm doing, that I make my decision. And I stick to it.

I struggle at times because most people don't make their choices this way. Lucky for them, because that makes life easier, but it doesn't help when other things, the unexpected phone call, the "hey I've missed you" text from someone you've been meaning to forget.

The truth is, I expect the worst. And maybe it's just (more than maybe, it probably is) me looking at the worst case. Maybe I'm over reacting and maybe I'm being silly. But this happens a lot to me. I'm not sure why and I'm not sure what to do to change it.

So I'll wait. I'll wait because, at least this time, I want to wait. I want to see you prove me wrong. More than I have ever before, actually.

I've done shitty relationships. I've done random encounters that mean nothing. I've done crying over boys and I've done laughing at mistakes that really are entertaining. But this time I want something different. I've never done functional, fun and exciting. I've never done commitment that doesn't leave me feeling empty. And the prospect of that, the prospect of wanting that is exciting.

So prove me wrong. I dare you.

- xx, K.