If you were my last shot...

I need to heal. Something I've said a hundred times in the last 31 days.

The scary thing about healing from heartbreak is letting go. Letting go of the person you still love, and can't imagine your life without. No matter how many times people tell you, and you tell yourself even, that everything will work out. That if it is meant to be it will be. That there are so many other wonderful people out there in the world for you. That you are so special, and smart and beautiful, and that if he can't see that he's not worth it anyways. That you're better than her. Smarter. Prettier. Skinnier. That you are beautiful. That you are young and lucky to be alive. That you dodged a bullet. That you were under mounted. That he must be crazy to leave. That he doesn't realize what he's losing. That you deserve better. No matter how many times you hear these things, and no matter how clearly your mind agrees with these comments... the heart wants what the heart wants. And it takes an unfortunately long time it seems for your heart to catch up to your head.

It's scary to move on and let go of the life you had planned. The person you had planned it with. It's nerve racking to look to the future and see a sea of big, bold question marks ahead. But that doesn't mean this is the wrong thing. It means that it is a hard thing, but it doesn't make it wrong.

I want to heal. I want to spend the time to do it properly. I want to speak again someday soonish and know that you're okay. And I want to do that when I feel that I can handle it, and that when I put down the phone that I will be okay.

I want to get better and I want to find my balance and I want to smile. I want to smile without thinking about it - just because of the genuine joy that I feel.

-xx,

Give Me Faith When I Fall...

Simple questions. So many simple questions with such great power. Can you answer yes to each one? Lucky are you to have everything figured out.

If you had asked me on any day before January 16th of this year, these would be my answers: This is some version of the life I want to live but not here. This is the person I want to love. I am not my best, but will work towards it. I am strong. I am tired, and I am worn down and my energy and spirit are depleted, but I will get through this. We will get through this.

Today, my answers have changed. Today, I actually don't feel fit to provide concrete answers to these questions. But I will try. And I will let this be a marker, something to check in on, as I continue to heal and find my way.

This is not the life I want to live. I do not know where the life I want will be, and I don't know with whom, but I will search within myself to find the best life for me. And for today, this will be enough.

The person that I want to love has gone. I love him completely, I love him with all of my being, and my heart is broken. But, instead of focusing on sending love out to someone else, I can work on loving myself. And so the direction of this question changes, as does my answer: Is this the person you want to love? Yes. I want to love who I am so thoroughly that when the next person comes along, whether it is someone new or someone old, the next person I want to share my love with, I want to be so strong and so truly filled with love and happiness that I can compliment them in the greatest fashion. I want to love myself so completely that I can truly give them the best of me. And while I do not feel that I am there yet, I will keep working. I will keep loving and building on the love I have for myself and the love I want to share. And so, for today, this is enough.

This is the best I can be today. But this is not the best I will ever be. Today, my best will have to be enough. Tomorrow I will try and be better than today, but for now I will try to be better only for me. And in the coming weeks, months, and years I will build on what my best is. I will build myself up to find new bests in every aspect of my being. So for today, what I can manage is enough.

I do not feel strong today. I have not felt strong in quite a few days, weeks, and possibly months. But I am strong. I have weathered a great storm. I am not free of trials yet, but I am strong enough to handle what comes next. I am learning to be strong enough to put myself first, and for today this is enough.

Perhaps in the last few weeks I have become more kind, and far more compassionate. I can't honestly say I was at my best before that night... and maybe this is the silver lining in it all. I know, in my heart, I am a kind and compassionate person. I know also, that I am tired. Tired to an extent that I have never known before. Tired to the point of losing myself, and losing touch with those around me. So for now, the kindness and the compassion that I have must first be spent on myself. What remains can be shared, but I must take time to allow myself to heal. So for today, what I can manage is enough.

And so here we are. Twenty days ago my world as I knew it fell apart. And these past weeks have been spent in mourning, in self discovery, in learning, and in building and rebuilding. I may not feel it at every moment of every day, but I am enough.

So, in these moments that I question myself I must remember who I am. I must decide that I am enough.

Decide.
Breathe in.
Breathe out
and decide.

- xx,

We Meet Again...

It has been a very long time since I've been here. Sitting at my computer with words in my head and a  blank page on the screen. It's funny, isn't it, how we can leave something behind for so much time and  when we come back it still feels natural? Like it was only yesterday that I was in this same seat.

In many ways this is a space that describes my high school years. Not in so many words to name names, but closely enough that I remember how I was feeling through it all. The good, the bad, the ugly.

I'm not sure that this is something I want to use to do the same with my time at university, but here I am sitting here tonight. I guess we will just have to see what comes of it, won't we.

When I wanted to write, but was short on inspiration, I would scroll through endless pages of photos - beautiful places and people, inspirational quotes, dresses, and landscapes, and desserts, and love. I could always count on finding something that I had an opinion about. One that I wanted to share with this space, whether anyone read what I had to say or not was neither here nor there. It doesn't much matter how many people read your words when you are only writing for yourself anyways.

Today my source of inspiration is much the same as it was those days.

"Don't ever compliment me by insulting other women. That's not a compliment, it's a competition none of us agreed to."

These words don't need to be expanded upon, this is an important message and it has been stated very clearly, though of course you know I will anyways.

I can't count how many times I've been told "you're not like most girls."

Of course I'm not.

But doesn't that just seem to be too obvious a statement - it's not like we're all related or something.. I can't see a reason for why I would be like most girls.

And lets stop here for a second.

What's wrong with "most girls"? Because last time I checked, and I know I'm right about this, we're all different. We all have our own strengths and weaknesses. We all have unique relationships with the world around us. There is no categorization that "most girls" could possibly fall under.

We are not interchangeable. We are individuals.

So why should this line be handed out like it's a compliment? I don't want to be like any of these other girls that you speak of, but that has never and will never mean that that makes me superior to any of them, or any of them superior to me.

Continuing on -

Comparing me to your ex, your sister, your best friend, your mother or any other female and telling me that I'm "better" does not boost my confidence.

I would expect that you feel differently about me than your do about them but I have no interest in you sizing me up in comparison.

I am entirely unique. I am my own person and no one shares my thoughts.

You are not comparing the stats of a new and and old iSomething.

I hope that you appreciate who I am, quirks and all, but don't use your appreciation for me as amo to put someone else down.

- xx, K.

You Have Always Worn Your Flaws Upon Your Sleeve...

One of the most attractive qualities any person can possess is confidence.

The ability to be proud of who you are, to be comfortable with your flaws and your quirks, and to hold your head high no matter what happens or what people say is a beautiful thing. 

I find myself drawn toward confident people. Though I most definitely do not want to confuse arrogant with confidence. We should all know we are far from perfect, but what is more refreshing than someone who can look past your flaws and see what a stunning person you are? And someone who can appreciate a beautiful mind? And is there anything better than a person who takes the time to see how beautiful you are in that mind of yours? 

There is so much pressure, so much emphasis, placed on physical appearance. So much judgement based on clothing and make up. What mask we put on in the morning. How we chose to hide ourselves from the world that day. 

We wear our clothes like shields. Hiding behind the latest trends, the hand-me-downs, the over the top cleavage shirts and way-too-tight tights that we like to call pants. 

And where does this get us?

It sure as hell hasn't made us better people. We lie to each other, use awful words to describe one another, and go to bed believing that we are truly good people through and through. We deceive ourselves and others.

We live in a world that disregards the greater good in favour of the easier option and the more profitable path. We spend so much time hiding ourselves from those around us, because we know that every glance is one of judgement and every action is calculated. We see through the fake smiles and the compulsory well-wishing, and participate because that's what we do. We have friends that know what our lips feel like, siblings we don't speak to, and parents we don't listen to. And all for what? It sure as hell isn't making us better people.

I believe the two most beautiful things a person can possess are kindness and confidence. Not a material thing, not a degree that proves you're smart, and not a badge that proves you're better, stronger, faster.

Simply the ability to treat people as they should be treated - with respect and dignity and grace and compassion - and to believe whole-heartedly in your abilities - to be respectful and dignified and graceful and compassionate.

Kindness. Confidence. Beauty.

Synonymous if you're doing it right.

- xx, K.

The Miles Are Getting Longer...

I think about you a lot.

While driving along back roads, when I'm sitting in my room painting my nails, when I'm grocery shopping, all sorts of different times for various reasons.

I think about the things we did together, all the years you have spent with me, you've helped me grow and become who I am. You have influenced who I am more so that you know. Trips to see interesting places, in the city and around, planting flowers, going to shows and learning about all the beautiful things there are in this world. Listening to stories of the places you've seen and the things you've done.

It was always nice to have you so close by when things were going wrong. It was so nice to have a place to go when I didn't feel comfortable anywhere else. Through bullying, through divorce, through the general confusion of a young girl trying to figure out friends and how this living thing works, you were always there. If I ever needed anything, anything at all, you were a phone call away.

I drove past the farm a couple weeks ago. It feels empty knowing it's no longer ours. It's a decision that I know was difficult for you, and I know it was the right thing to do, but it doesn't mean I don't miss it. One of the few places that never changed, not even a little bit, throughout my life. With parents moving, divorce and remarriage, there wasn't much else that didn't change.

I miss you.

I miss seeing you every wednesday at lunch time, I miss driving to the farm, picking rhubarb and walking the back road and just talking to you. I miss Christmas and Easter and Thanksgiving at your house, in the dining room, with the whole family.

I'm blessed, because I've had so many wonderful chances to get to know you, to learn from you, and just to spend time with you. And I'm blessed because you're not gone yet. It's difficult to see you as you are now. It's so different from the you I knew just over a year ago, but I'm blessed to have you here the way you are, healthy and present.

Most days, I just wish I had taken more time to talk to you before all of this. Learn about your life a little more, your childhood, and your dreams. Dragged you up to the farm a few more times before it sold and down the road.
But I guess there is no point in wishing for things that can't be changed. So I'll just have to spend what time I can with you now. It's different, but I don't want to have anything else to regret.

- xx, K.

In The End We're All The Same...

What is morally correct?

Is it right to do what is in the best interest of humans, whether it is their wants or needs, at all costs?
Or are we responsible for the environment and the other creatures that have less capability to defend themselves against our selfish manipulation of Earthly conditions?

I believe that most people would tend to agree, in theory at the least, that we are obligated to ourselves as well as the rest of the living things on this planet equally. We all live here. We must all work together in order for our needs to remain satisfied. Humans have the upper hand in that they are capable of changing the way things work to allow for favourable conditions. Unfortunately, what is favourable in our wants does not always translate to being favourable for anything else.

I'm in the middle of writing an essay about the moral obligation a corporation has to the environment in terms of the production of a product, though capable of generating great revenue, that has monumental effects on wildlife. It's unfortunate, as I read into the topic, how hollow peoples' words really are.

I cannot, off the top of my head, think of someone who would outwardly state that personal wants of material goods are more important than the livelihood of our forests and oceans. But then again I cannot, off the top of my head, think of a person who is denying themselves these material goods in order to spend their money and their time on something that will aid in the preservation of these same forest and oceans and all of the creatures who call these places home.

I wrote a speech some 4 or 5 years ago regarding the importance of the shark species to the balance of the ocean ecosystem, and the detrimental effects that the depletion of this species could have on our wellbeing. I had great feedback from the shocking work I'd done and the terrifying statistics that supported my argument. I urged people to aid in the case; if you were unwilling to actively participate then donations or simply avoiding consumption of sharks was what I asked.

The fact that people did not do much to support my cause was not surprising to me. What shocked me was how quickly people ignored it. Out of sight, out of mind.

This is not meant to guilt you into donating to animal sanctuaries or anything like that. This was, however, intended to supply something to mull over in your little brain for a while. When you know in your heart what the right thing to do is, why do you comply with your desire to be lazy and your desire to blend in? Why do so few of us embrace the challenge of making the things we do less toxic to those around it? Whether it's the ocean, the sharks, or foreign children who work to support their families in extremely hostile conditions.

We ignore things that we find unpleasant. But that makes us weak. We are unaware of our surroundings, however don't you believe for a second that they have disappeared. Quite the contrary, this ignorance allows for greater disasters to brew.

- xx, Kelly.