With A World Between, I See You And Me...

I have a few things to say, I'll try my hardest not to be repetative, and I'll try not to make this painfully lengthy:

My family - I love you, all of you. You're crazy and frustrating and obnoxious and crowded. But I wouldn't replace a single one of you with any other living soul. You have built me and strengthened me and continue to help me find, me. Thank you for the countless shoulders to cry on and for the advice from deep within your hearts. You are truly spectacular people, all of those who I see nearly daily, as well as those of you I don't. We are family and you never cease to amaze me with your compassion and time for myself and one another. 

My girls - you are all beautiful. I wish you could see yourselves the way I see you. You are strong, you are intelligent, you are independant and you are amazing people. You inspire me to be better and to work harder. Take the time to appreciate how amazing you truly are. Because all the doubts you may have are in your head; the mind game that hold you back is baseless. Who cares if you don't look like Miranda Kerr, if you don't sound like Beyonce every note you sing? You have so many things they would kill for, and these are the characteristics that define you.

The rest of you - you all deserve a break, you deserve time spent with family and a time to relax and do things that make memories. These are the days and the stories you'll remember and retell for the rest of your life. It is with these people, family and true friends, that real memories are made. So go, laugh and love and live and spend and travel. Be with those you love and those who love you. Keep your heart open, but don't fool yourself. Free your mind and let your spirit soar. This is a time to cherish and a time to take advantage of - you don't know how many more you'll have with everyone. So knowing this, do nothing you will regret and regret nothing you do.

Merry Christmas.

- xx, Kelly.

Walk With Me...

I'm stressed. There is so much going on and so many things pulling me in all directions. I feel as though if I could only split myself in two.. then maybe, just maybe, I'd be able to get everything done and done well. Christmas is right around the corner and thank God, literally, for that. I need the break, because it wont really be a break, rather it will give me the time during the day to get everything I need to do, done. And so, since my brain is currently completely scrambled, I figured I would post a couple things I've written in my phone over the past year or so that I haven't added on here yet.

A lot of things inspire me. I love driving with someone at night. Each car on the highway is like it's own little constellation under the stars. I love sitting out at the end of the dock silently listening to the creatures around me and watching as millions upon millions of stars sparkle above me. I love the little moments that happen so quickly you could almost miss them, and sometimes do. I love my horse, he keeps me sane. He's a bit of a brat and is a little high-strung, but he knows I am his person, and he is mine. I love late night walks and searching for new routes from one place to another. Discovering back road and little alleys. I love taking the time, and having the time to take, to do all of these things.

- xx, Kelly.

Your Favourite Records Make Me Feel Better...

Sitting on the floor of my 5 degree bedroom, listening to slow, sad music and going numb and cold and calm. Theres something comforting about the silence in my house. About the melody of these songs and about this feeling. I've come to find it's a safe place to be. Quiet and alone. Not really meant to be depressing, rather soothing and almost refreshing. No one to cause any stress, or demand anything of me, or judge me. No one to whisper secrets as soon as I turn my head. I had a lovely weekend. Home away from home. In a place where everyone has a decent head on their shoulders, and believe it or not, the girls are classy and the boys are polite. It's a very different place, these things as well as the dirt roads, the subdivisions, and the family I see only a few times a year.

I've missed you all. I had the nicest weekend with you. Thank you for the escape.

- xx, Kelly.

On Your Own...

The beauty of this world is that it never stands still. Each moment is fleeting, every problem passes, and every day the sun rises and sets again. We each average over 6000 steps in a day. Whether in the right direction or the wrong, we're always moving literally and figuratively. Dwelling on the little things, like what time you went to sleep and what you had for breakfast are interesting, sure, but do these things really matter? No. Because at the end of each day, week, and month we remember the things that stood out. We remember the people and the places and the tasks that meant something, good or bad. Each one of us is in charge of deciding what we feel is important enough to constitute this list. Mine is very different from yours. We all live in our little bubbles, knowing only small pieces of each others' thoughts, actions and situations. And so it becomes important to ask questions, to listen and to keep an open mind. To learn about the people around you, and to respect each person's space and privacy. I think it's just as important, however, to remember that at the end of the day, another person's business is exactly that, and to let things run their course. Because tomorrow things may change. Yesterday is set in stone. The world right now is in the making. And tomorrow is filled with endless possibilities. So why waste today worried about something that happened yesterday, and risk ruining tomorrow, a day with so much potential to be beautiful?

- xx, Kelly.


ps. tightrope - green river ordinance (among many others)

You're Rad, Bro...

If there is one thing I've learnt in the past 24 hours, it is how much it hurts when things go wrong, and that person you trusted and turned to in the face of problems is the same person hurting you. How much it hurts to find out that you meant less than you thought you did to the person who, in a spineless and pathetic moment, threw everything away. And how lovely the idea of breaking down and crying, hiding away and closing everyone out sounds. But I wont do it. When I get thrown to the ground I assess the damage, brush off the dirt, pick my self up again and keep walking. One foot in front of the other. Because as much as I want to be sitting in your arms on your bed watching batman, walking my dog with you and finding a place to hide away and talk about all the wonderful things we want to do, or making waffles together at midnight because I can't ignore my stomach anymore, I can't. I can't and I wont do it as much as it hurts not to. Those things are memories now. Something I will never regret because while it lasted it was so, so good. But now you've made a choice and I'm not sticking around. I will keep walking away because I know there are bigger and better things for me, and love, you know full fucking well how I feel about you, and about her, and that I will always be okay. So while she crawls back to you every single chance she gets, I wont do it. It's just too bad you took that for granted.

And yes, you said you'll see me around?
I sure as hell hope not.

- xx, Kelly.

Bring On The Rain...

I don't know why I stick around.

It would be so much easier to just run away. 

So much more straight-forward, more fun to hide in a place like this.

But I've never taken the easy road. And I don't give in that easily.
So please know you didn't get anything you didn't deserve.
And I hope you can live with yourself and what you've done.
My hands are clean, but are yours?

- xx, Kelly. 

Start Again A Little Higher...

I don't want to say. I don't want to fall because I don't see anyone there to catch me. I don't see this ending well. Of course you could argue nothing ever does; we all fight, break up, hurt, and die at some point, but it's this feeling that I can't quite harness. It's a fear of sorts, not of you but of myself. Because you see, my world has been turned upside-down and I still haven't quite landed on my feet. Everything and everyone is changing and this throws another thing at me. And in all honesty, I take time to adjust to change. To adjust to not knowing who I was closest to months ago, learning the other side of those people, and then this. I feel like I say this so often, but it's funny how things change and how quickly they do. Funny how quickly people lose each other and forget the good things and focus only on the bad. How quick people are to point fingers, and how happy they are to wish ill on you. It's the human condition. We are all set on speaking of the bad before the good, gossiping, and denying what we've said when it finally catches up to us. If you admit to it, you're the bad guy. If you don't everyone continues being civil because that's the way the wheel spins. We say things we don't mean and they're taken as true, we voice our opinion and then hide it away somewhere untouchable out of fear of it being known. Every newspaper, magazine and online article of any real popularity is bursting with degrading and negative comments. There are the few people who aim to heal the world, to help to poor and feed the hungry and that's wonderful. Truly I think you are some of the strongest people in the world, but please many of you need to learn to treat the people you see everyday with respect. You don't just need to be nice to those in need and cautious of them. If you can't go a day without gossiping about people and hearing "through the grape vines" about another's personal business I have just as much respect for you as I do for those who only gossip. Which I promise you is very little.

So once I wrap my head around all of this, once I've stopped spinning and I'm back on my feet again I'll give you a call. But don't wait for me. If you're smart you'll do what the rest of them have done and you'll walk away. It's a safer option most of the time, and this isn't an exception to that.

- xx, Kelly.

Endlessly...

Nothing is easy if you're doing it right. If you really put your heart and soul into something and invest effort in it, you can't expect it not to take some work. Doing something you hate just because societal norms say you should isn't a decent reason to do it. Doing something useless because it's easy isn't a half decent reason either. Why would you waste your precious time on things that have no meaning? I've got news for you, love, we only have a certain amount of time on this Earth and you're spending it on things of zero significance, zero satisfaction and zero worth. Enjoy what you do. Do things that inspire you and will inspire others. Make the change in yourself that you'd like to see in the world. Stop sitting there staring off into space, or cyber-space, for countless hours on end wishing your life was like someone else's. The only person in charge of your fate is you. And with a little luck, you could accomplish great things. Monumental things. Life altering things that take the world as we know it and give it a whole new meaning! So why then, may I ask, are you wasting this precious time watching the Kardashians spend their money and ruin their shallow marriages when you could be doing something productive that actually makes you feel like you've accomplished more than gaining 5 pound. Why not read a book, write something, go outside and be active. Find something you love, hold on to that, and pour your heart and soul into it. You are what you do for the world, and when you leave this material place don't you want someone to be able to say, hey, remember her? She won a nobel prize, she wrote a novel, she discovered this and created that. She was #1 in the world in her field. She was amazing.

Because what you don't realize while you sit on your bed with your computer, is that the people who manage these things could've just sat there. Could've watched television all night and lived on stumble upon and tumblr. But they had bigger goals for themselves. The sky may be your limit, but theirs isn't quite so definite. Find those goals. Challenge yourself.

- xx, Kelly.

Hurts Like Heaven...

I hate finding things you're not supposed to know about. I only ever looked for my Christmas presents once and when I found them I felt awful. I felt empty and like I'd ruined something special when it turned out to be a Santa present and I knew it was there all along. Sometimes those things you accidentally stumble upon are big enough to reduce you to tears. Sometimes they pick apart old wounds and draw out your insecurities. Sometimes they make you aware of the ripple effect of your actions. Today I found something and now I don't know what to say. Other than I'm so sorry a million times over. Hurting you was never something I intended to do, I hope you know that and I hope you understand that I do truly mean it. Whether you find this the way I found you or not is essentially irrelevant at this point. What is in the past cannot be changed, I just wish I'd known.

I'm sorry love, there was no harm intended. Sometimes things don't work out the way you'd like them to and sometimes a good thing comes to a bad end.

- xx, Kelly.

Who Are You...

Dreams are such funny things. Its amazing how these squishy little things inside our head have so much power. Really though. Our brain and memories are extraordinary - things that you don't remember in your conscious mind, things that you didn't think bothered you and things that evoke the deepest emotions all run rampant as soon as you're unable to keep them back anymore. And in this your wildest hopes, your greatest fears, and your concerns and question ring true.

I'm curious. I want to know who reads this, who still follows my little outlet and where you're from. I'm not expecting much. But tell me something about you. Tell me where you're from. Tell me your wildest dreams. Anything. I've officially re-allowed comments on posts. Feel free to let me know something about you. Anonymous is totally okay with me, I'm just curious.

Ignorance Is Bliss...

That is what they say, isn't it? Is it not so much easier, much 'safer' to go without knowing than to be aware of anything at all? Things aren't always happy and smiling and pleasant. Sometimes things get ugly. Thing get messy. Sometimes things don't work out. And sometimes, sometimes things hurt and the ones to hurt you are exactly those you thought couldn't. Sometimes it's the person standing right beside you who hides the most from you. And it's always this person who hurts you the most.

- xx, Kelly.

My Castle Stands Upon Pillars Of Salt And Pillars Of Sand...

History repeats itself. Over and over and over and over again. Sometimes I feel like if we just made smarter decisions, changed our patterns and listened to different people we could avoid all the disaster, the disappointment and the failure. But wont we always hit that wall? At some point we'll make the same mistake again. We're human after all. So why do we bother.. Why would you put so much effort into something that clearly isn't working? Why chase a dream that is fleeting. Why hold onto something that has such capability to hurt you and why cling to the idea of something that was, but is now gone. It's gone. There is no reason to follow after it. So pick a different path, perhaps. Maybe it's a good idea to start fresh. Maybe things can only go up from here. You will never know if you don't try it. What good has what you've been doing created?

- xx, Kelly.

Make Your Way To The Beat Of The Drum...

You win.

You win, you win, you win. All of you. Because I don't have the energy to deal with your bullshit. I don't have any real desire to suffer through it. With or without you, I'll survive. With would be lovely, but without is 100% doable.

Sometimes we forget that all we really need is ourselves and our sanity. So long as you make sure you've got both of those things you will forever be okay.

I'm always okay, and you know, I've got more than just those two things - I have an amazing family, my sisters keep me stronger than anything else could, and I have a couple good friends. I have my dog and my horse and I have my freedom. I don't need a million friends when a couple true friends will do. At the end of the day, it's these people who mean the most to me.

So don't you worry your pretty little mind - I'll be just fine. Just make your decisions wisely, love, because you'll never truly comprehend the gravity of your actions. I never have.

- xx, Kelly.

And The Clock Stops...

And here it is ladies (and gentlemen I guess, although I'm not sure what you're reading a pathetic / sappy / destructive (at times) blog for). The truth, well.. as I see it and it seems like wiz agrees.

Except now all I can hear are these lies and I've started to recognize them. The make up, well, I ditched that a while ago for those crucial 10 extra minutes of sleep.. but the lies are just beginning to ring clear.

I don't trust you. Any of you. So say what you will, I'll keep it in mind but I know there is a whole second side to your story and that my dear, makes me extremely uncomfortable.

- xx, Kelly.

Long Way Home...

It's a long way home and I don't know if I'm ready to leave. This place. This lovely, magical, wonderful place full of memories and smiles and heartbreak and tears. And laughter. Lots and lots of laughter. A beautiful city, a crazy beautiful life and crazy beautiful people. It seems like I came just days ago, walking through the front doors, up the stairs, discovering a whole new life in a place I didn't know. It seems like days ago that I first met you. Yes, you. Days ago that we fell apart and back together again. It was days ago that we realized we will fall apart now. In distance. I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset. That's what you said to me. Well, here we are. It's my last day in this place and I am leaving behind the sunset and embracing a whole new sunrise. I didn't think it could come. The day I have to pack all my bags, collect all my things, my thoughts, my goodbyes and get out of here. But it's time. I can feel the winds changing. I always told you I'll leave when the wind blows. I'm sorry, love, but the wind is headed far from here. So kiss me and smile for me. Tell me that you'll wait for me. Hold me like you'll never lets me go. But please don't wait and please do let me go. All Good Things must come to an end. This is looking like the end of a good thing, but if we should ever cross paths I'll be waiting. But if this is really the end, well, then you can walk away and it would be the last time. I hope you want that as little as I do. So don't say goodbye because in the morning I'll see you around. In a new place, under a new sunrise.

- xx, Kelly.

Watch Them Burn...

There's a spider that lives on the ceiling of my room. He hasn't left the ceiling in a couple weeks, at least not to my knowledge. How the hell is this thing not dead yet?

- xx, Kelly.

Second's Best...

Sometimes I hate that anyone knows this exists.

Sometimes I hate that anyone exists.

Sometimes I hate running.

Right now however, I think I shall.

- xx, Kelly.

More Time - Need To Breathe

A Place Where Smiles Wont Fade...

Today I woke up thinking I was completely content with the way everything was working out. That I didn't mind all the peculiar situations I end up in and that being just me, no second half, was totally okay. That being able to walk alone was quite nice. That walking alone was all I know how to do.

And then tick, like a time bomb that was on it's last few seconds, boom. It hits you. Standing beside that girl who's boyfriend isn't over protective, just protective. Isn't clingy, just there for her. Isn't afraid of the world seeing how much he cares, just isn't obnoxious about it. It's frustrating because it's just so foreign to me, yet I can't help my heart from aching when I'm around those people. How nice it is to have someone to hold you when you're sitting outside in the cold freezing your ass off for hours. Someone to help you with odd little things that just seem to make everything easier. Someone to tell you it's okay even when you feel like it really really is not.

I'm so afraid of how badly it could turn out that I forget how well it could. That maybe some boys don't want to screw you over. Maybe they care.

I don't really know the feeling. I'm sure I've done it to myself in some ways, but it has just turned out so badly so often. I just like to think about how nice that must be - it's not jealousy I don't think, more admiration of how well two people can go together and how strong you have to be to keep that together.

I don't really know the feeling. I'm sure I will one day, but that poor guy is going to have a lot of convincing to do if I'm going to believe in someone having good intentions.

- xx, Kelly.

I Want You To Want Me...

I wont settle for confusion and I wont settle for this. Maybe the reason I'm so terrified of commitment, so convinced I can't do it is because I need someone to convince me. And so far no one has succeeded. I feel like it just takes a little push, a guiding hand, a strong hand to help me because I'm scared. I'm scared because this has never gone well for me. No friend, no boy has ever taken the time to stick around without leaving things a mess. And by a mess I mean seriously fucking me over. The problem is that I can't imagine someone with any other end goal. So here we are. Stuck between fear and hope.

Content?

Always.

Confused?

Always.

Waiting?

Always.

- xx, Kelly.

Love Is A Luxury...

- xx, Kelly.

The Second Hand Is Moving Too Fast...

It's amazing how quickly time passes. We complain that there is still x number of years until school is over, until you can pay off your mortgage, until that villa in tuscany is really yours, until you retire. But we take for granted that every minute that passes is forever gone. Years fly by, and if you don't live in the moment, take advantage of the fact that there is no better time to get things done than now, you lose it all. Waiting for tomorrow, next month, next year simply wastes today. And today is a beautiful, magical, and possibility filled day where everything can change. For better and for worse. But you'll never know what's in store if you don't chase a couple wild dreams, put all the effort you have into it, and live for now. Tomorrow is important, but who says you'll have today's sunshine any other day?

- xx, Kelly.

A Shot In The Dark That You Just Might...

Sometimes things get confusing. I feel like I start almost every story like this, but you see it just seems to be the only way to explain it. The wonderful, magical, mysterious world we live in is stuffed full of smiles, people, problems.

I lose myself inside my own head. I never really know what I want or what I think. Because you see, I think too much. I think too little. I'm too impulsive. I wait too long. I brush things off too quickly. I take too much to heart. And I do it all knowingly, the problem is that I get so confused in all these things going on at once. I don't know what I want, I don't know if it's right in front of me and I'm about to lose it, or if it's still yet to come. I don't know if I'm doing things right by keeping myself to myself, or if I'm making a mistake.

I'm a person of extreme contrast. In music, in interests, in strengths, in people I choose to surround myself with. But there is one thing that ties it all together with a pretty little bow; everything above is something I surround myself with because I truly do enjoy it. I don't stick around things I don't like, and I hold onto the things that I do. People, places, music - all of it makes me the quirky, slightly odd, and most definitely unique person I am.

- xx, Kelly.

I'm In The Business Of Misery...

9 hours left before day 1 of the end.

I'm literally dreading it. The only bright side? This time next year I wont have this problem, I'll be sitting in a res room writing about the beginning of classes. Not the beginning of hell.

- xx, Kelly.

I Thought I Knew You...

Everyone uses the word love so loosely.

I can't understand the people who date for 2 weeks and then tell their boyfriend or girlfriend that they love them. No, you don't love them. You don't know what you're talking about because if that's love, honey we're all screwed. I'll never comprehend those couples because it's not real. I can't grasp how people are so comfortable saying words that mean so much and treating it like it's nothing. It is something. It does mean a lot. These are not just ordinary words you link together to form everyday sentences.

The people who have been through thick and thin, taken life's blows and managed to come out just as strong if not stronger know what true love is. Those people who have felt lust, felt hurt, felt heartbreak, and recovered are the ones able to determine true love. I really don't believe we are capable of loving anyone aside from family and ourselves when we are young. A strong liking of a person, perhaps, but love is multidimensional and we far too immature to understand love in all it's dimensions.

You may say you love your boyfriend of 6 months, but I highly doubt you know enough of each other to call it love. Romeo and Juliet may have been teenagers when they fell in love, but that was a fairytale. Of course, some will argue there are the exceptions. I like to think of those as accidents - you fell together out of pure luck and to those of you who are of that nature, you're the lucky ones. The rest of us get to struggle to find what you are so certain you have.

- xx, Kelly.

If I Die Tonight, At Least You Thrill Me...

And so it begins…

Everything picks back up and we head back to reality. The reality of tight timetables, late nights and early mornings, assignments and tests, balance and breakdown, of our last year here.

One more year in this lovely place with all these people, good and bad, before we all pack our bag and our memories and head off in different directions forever. Some will stay together, others will fall apart. It's the beginning of an end, of a beginning. It's the last little bit. It's going to be stressful. It's going to be awful and tedious and down right painful at times. It's also going to be fun.

Lets not lose sight of today because that's what is getting you to tomorrow.

- xx, Kelly.

Going To Wish I Had A Storm Warning...

Off I go again.

Next stop: the UK.

- xx, Kelly.

ps. new favourite song - Storm Warning by Hunter Hayes

We See What We Want...

Shit always seems to happen to me. I don't know, I guess anyone can say that but it seriously seems that I always manage to twist things so they turn into big dilemmas.

I mean don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have it any other way.

For starters, beginning of the summer there was this guy. Cute, funny, musical and quiet. He was intriguing and I couldn't quite figure him out. Well, I was told that he was going away for the whole summer starting the next week and that he'd be gone until september so when he attempted to kiss me I turned away. Who the fuck knows whether that was the right thing to do or not, I sure as hell don't, what I do know though is that this story doesn't feel like it's over yet.

Fast forward to two weeks ago, met a really nice guy, ended up hooking up with him which was lovely - no strings, no issues, well.. except family ties of sorts. The thing is that I'm bored of that. He's not someone I'd ever date and even though he's a genuinely good guy I couldn't stand being stuck with him for very long.

And it comes back to my first point I believe - I get bored so easily that I have to find something to entertain myself. So I make things interesting. I twist and turn and run and wait and go after things. I make mistakes, take risks and fall hard and spend my time as actively as I can. I do what I think is right and

I mean don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have it any other way..

- xx, Kelly.

Stretching Karma's Apetite...

I'm really sorry that I'm a human being. One of those things, to your delight, that comes along with being human is that I'm not fucking perfect. So please teach me, oh gracious one, how you came to be so flawless. Grace me with your presence and please, if you will do me the honour, enlighten me with your ways of perfection. I'm simply intrigued to hear how you manage to live such a humble, self sacrificing, beautiful and caring life with such a wonderful demeanour.

Come on. I'm not perfect. I'm not always the happiest and I'm not always polite. I'm learning to be these things and I'm trying so I'm really sorry that it doesn't always happen. I'm in high school. I'm a teenager. Isn't this a part of it? Not to make it an excuse but I really don't mean to do anything to upset you.

And please. You're human too so stop pretending you can do no wrong. There is a reason behind the tension here. If this was one sided I wouldn't have any argument. Unfortunately, I have a hell of a lot to say and there is not a thing that you can deny. I've never once claimed to be perfect. I'm trying to fix things but it's a little bit difficult when you keep telling me everything I do wrong and just how innately horrid of a person I am.

Lets be reminded that the reason for this is because you lack the ability to know what you can and cannot repeat. If I say something because I'm worried about someone and you turn them against me with it I'm not going to have a whole lot of patience for you.

So sorry. One more year and I wont have to see you.

- xx, Kelly.

Ps. Keep the fucking dog.

A Scar's A Souvenir You'll Never Lose...

It's been forever. Woow. Sometimes things just happen so fast. It's like the world is on fast forward and by the time you sit down for a second more than 2 weeks have gone by..

I have been writing, just haven't posted anything lately.

Instead of posting free writing, I'm going to give a little summary of the past few months - something i haven't done in a while.

With school and competitions everything's been super busy. Summer school right after I finished exams, more competing and seeing friends. I've seen the boy's I've been missing, one of which I now see quite a bit. There have been new boys, but no one who's really stuck around much. Not that I give them much of a chance.

I'm happy though. I'm not really looking for a boy at this point - I've got good friends, guys that I can make drive over to my house if I'm in need of someone to cuddle with, and a puppy to satisfy that need if the boys are busy. I've got a couple good books to keep me company, and some good music:

New favourite: Animale - Don Diablo ft. Dragonette (Datsik Remix)

- xx, Kelly.

No Need For Stilettos, I'm Not Cinderella...

Every once and a while we stumble upon things from the past that make us reflect. Tomorrow (in 10 minutes) is the birthday of a guy I had really liked, and then got fucked over by. I met someone new friday and the situation I was in reminded me of him - but I did things a little differently. You see, ever since a lovely little incident with a girl I'm not too fond of (Cadela) and a boy I used to talk to I have a hard time trusting guys. This new one, well, he was lovely. Different, too. More soft spoken than the typical arrogant high school guys. And really nice. But I was scared, too afraid to start liking him just incase. Just incase I really meant nothing and he had a girl on his mind that he really wanted. So I ran. Metaphorically of course. And now I'm not sure if that was a good idea or not. I thought it for sure hadn't been soon after, but now I'm wondering if his summer away and the fact that he has another girl are good enough reasons for what I did to have been a good decision.

It's funny, because I rarely run. I'm the one that jumps head long into things and gets hurt. But I couldn't do it this time. Even though I really did want to.

I found this on my phone (I often write on my phone when I don't have my computer with me and occasionally post these writings later on) it's from just after the mess with Cadela and the boy:

I just want you gone. It's that simple. All I ask. Really. Because I don't know how much longer I'll be able to stand you. It's all the little things, they keep my p at night. (clearly.. it's 2 am and I can't sleep) The lie. They're the worst part of who you are. You take me down in front of anyone you can. Anyone who will listen. And yet, I can't get away from you. Because these friends have no problem with you and you don't seem as though you have any intention of leaving their sides. The funny thing is, these people have nothing good to say about you. They mock you they say they're disgusted by you.. yet, for some reason they can't bring themselves to stand their ground. Instead they fold and pretend to be your friend. Well I'm very sorry, but when I don't like someone I have no intention of faking a friendship. It's so fake it kills me.

It's funny, isn't it, that the ones that say they'll stick by you the most keep their word the least at times like these.

I don't feel this strongly now, however there is one part that remains - I will not be your friend. I don't have the time or energy to be spent building up a false friendship with you just to call you a slut behind your back. You know what I think of you and I'l say it to you directly, again, if you didn't quite understand the first time.

- xx, Kelly.

It Burns Like Me For You...

It's funny how small we all are. How everything seems to circle around us. Push and pull. How big our thoughts are, when in reality they're so so small. The decisions we make effect us and those around us directly, but don't we all walk past those who made the decisions we avoid daily? Do they really effect us? I guess we'd like to say they do, but we're just so busy. I don't think these lovely people who just didn't seem to get it right have a great impact on very many.

I've been writing on this blog since July 26th, 2009. Almost two full years. And not until today did I check the 'stats' of the blog. I like to think I have lessons and stories to share that can help others, or at least entertain them. And if my stories and ideas and lessons make any sense at all, well, then they're reaching people across North America, South America, Europe, India and Japan.

So my dears, if you take anything at all from this, whether you follow this blog regularly or you just happened to stumble upon this url, remember this:

We all make mistakes, those who make the best of them are those who are happy.

Dream big dreams, because someone has to do it - you're the only one stopping you.

Guard your heart, love freely, spend time and money, life is too short to take everything to heart. Travel when you can. Live the way that makes you happy.

Keep your head on your shoulders and when things seem too big and too hard to take remember this:

We all struggle, this isn't the first time, this isn't the last either - everything balances out. The good for the bad. Don't give up because of the bad or you'll miss your chance at finding the good.

- xx, Kelly.

Take It Back Before It All Went Wrong...

I swear, I'll start posting regularly again after exams are done.

I miss this little thing, I just need the timeeee.

- xx, Kelly.

The Lights That Stop Me Turn To Stone...

My Dear,

Please remember:

I always win.

- xx, Kelly.

I'll Leave My Window Open...

Because people exhaust me. The drama, the lies, the conflict. Because work exhausts me. Because everything pushes against you. It's like gravity. You're brought down to earth in the highest of times. When you think you've got it figured out. That you finally got it right and that you're truly happy. That's when this undeniable gravity comes back to haunt you.

You see, I've made my mistakes. We all know that, and I'm not alone. You hook up with boys that are bad news, you run because it feels really really good, you play with boys hearts, and boys play with yours. You cry, you laugh, you are invincible, you are destructive, you are destroyed.

I'm tired of playing games.

I'm tired of chasing fleeting images.

I'm tired of crying.

I'm tired of falling.

I'm tired of losing.

I'm tired of waiting.

So would that boy who, and I'm not asking for forever,

will treat me like something special

something worth ditching the boys for

someone exceptional

please walk in soon?

I'm not asking for a long stay.. just a visit is fine with me.

I'm just curious. And confused about whether you exist or not.

I'm tired of being confused.

- xx, Kelly.

And It Can't Save You...

My lovely friend Lola is at home sick, so tuesday [instead of going to school] after I came back from a day with the coaches I went to visit her. We sat and talked for a while, and then watched PS. I Love You.

It's funny. Because watching a movie like that, one filled with so much self pity and hot irish boys I pulled a whole new meaning from it.

What the fuck are you waiting for? Why are you leaving things for when you're older, wiser, more powerful? Why are you watching other people work hard for what they believe in - struggling and putting everything they have, everything that they are to a goal. Get off your lazy ass. Go out. Conquer. Because no one will do it for you. Dream big, remember that even the biggest of goals have to be achieved by someone. Why can't you be that special someone? I'll tell you why. Because you're so afraid of failing, so stubborn and unwilling to learn and make mistakes and cry that you wont ever try.

So please, don't say you'll do it tomorrow. 89 thousand people die in their sleep every night. You may not wake up tomorrow to discover your potential.

Try your hardest. Be good to others. Dream big. Have fun. Never go to sleep angry. Tell those you love how you feel. Tell the truth. Smile. Breathe. Drive a little too fast. Fall a little too hard. Cry as often as is necessary. Hold everything back. Hold nothing back. Give everyday your all. Wear your heart on your sleeve. Guard your heart. Sing loud and often. Whisper and giggle and pout and tease and taunt and flirt and be silly and cuddle. Remember that this could be your last day.

Like I said - what the fuck are you waiting for?

- xx, Kelly.

I Recognize The Way You Feel...

You're lovely. I can't help but smile when i see your face, no matter how much I want to hit you and call you names and push you out the door and hit you with it on your way out. Sitting with you at night - in the dark, under a blanket, under the stars - makes my heart race no matter how much I try to stop it. The safety of your hand on my back guiding me when I'm unsure, that little squeeze you give my hand when you can feel that I'm scared. The warmth of your breath on the back of my neck, of your smile, of your embrace.

You're lovely. I can't help but pray that I don't fall in love with you. Because you see, you're toxic. You've entered my mind and I can't get you out. You're lovely. And that's the problem. Because you see, I'm falling for you. And in this game we call life, the first who falls loses.

I don't want to lose. And I sure as hell don't want to lose you.

- xx, Kelly.

Every Song I Sing, I Sing For You...

so kiss me and smile for me,

tell me that you'll wait for me,

hold me like you'll never let me go.

- xx, Kelly.

ps. the superstition says that if you make a wish and tell it, it will not come true. I don't think that's the case. I think that sharing a wish opens up a little piece of you that you hide away. If it was 11:11 right this very second, I would wish what I always wish - I hope everything turns out okay. I hope everyone is happy in their life and I hope things turn out for me. And if for some reason it doesn't work, well I guess it was still meant to be.

Tired Of The Sunset...

It's funny to think about how much happens in each persons life. We are our own entity, we have our own problems, our own worries, our own goals and set backs and accomplishments. We walk around and sometimes forget about how the world doesn't just effect us, but everyone around us too.

When I'm driving I wonder about some of the people who I pass or who pass by me. Each person in their own little bubble listening to their own music and worrying about their own problem. We may not know them, but we share things in common. We may have mutual friend or enemies, we may love the same colour or band or compete in the same sport. We could be soul mates. You'd never know though. We're all too wrapped up in our own little worlds to consider how someone else's is working.

- xx, Kelly.

Love Looking Like Diamonds...

I'm sitting in the cold. Alone. As the sky gets darker, rain prepares to fall and leaves turn over in hiding. The wind is blowing my hair in every direction. I'm shivering and I'm hurting. But something is comforting me. Something about hurting is safe.

I've always felt better outside, in the fresh air and in silence where I have space to think. I've always felt better in the cold. It keeps me grounded.

So I'm sitting here, in the cold, wishing things had happened differently than they always seem to. Asking myself, why does it seem like I can't figure out forever? How to find forever? I know what it means, but it seems so foreign.. so unattainable. I've moved around since year one. constant things in my life are few and far between. Maybe that's why I can't seem to figure it out.

I know forever isn't something you have to think about in high school. Everyone is changing, everything is so influenced by media and people are finding themselves. But I feel like I know who I am. I am honest, I'm blunt, and I like me.

Everything in my life is forever changing. Houses, neighbours, schools, coaches, siblings, animals, cities.

Maybe that's why forever seems so difficult, so impossible, so imaginary.

- xx, Kelly.

There's A Freeway Running Through The Yard...

Isn't it ironic that in feeling so much you feel nothing at all? That when you have everything to say you can't utter a single syllable? And that when you have everything to do you can't seem to move an inch?

Isn't it funny how everything you hope for has a funny way of getting flipped up side down on the way? Everything you work towards can just pick up and walk away? And how everyone you love can disappear at the drop of a hat?

Life is ironic. Life is funny. Life is every adjective under the sun the moon and the stars. Life is everything, everything except boring. Except mundane, except eventless. Except empty.

Life is never empty. So no matter how much you feel and cannot find the words to say remember:

You are special, love, you are cherished and you are beautiful. Sometimes someone on the outside has to remind you. But don't ever forget it.

- xx, Kelly.

Our World Is Spinning At The Speed Of Light…

- xx, Kelly.

Talking And Twisting It Down...

I'm sorry, but I have to put this somewhere. I don't have any desire to cause problems, but I'm not about to pretend that this wont.

Who the fuck do you think you are to tell me that you're better than me? What gives you that sense of entitlement that you can bluntly state that I have lower standards, that you are busier, you life is harder, you have more to worry about? I'm sorry, but if you feel that way either keep it to yourself or don't expect me to be okay with it.

There are a lot of things I could say, a lot of examples I could bring up to fight against you. But I wont. I have no desire to prove myself to you. If you can't accept that my life is just as rough as your pretty little life is I don't have a whole lot more to say other than take a look around you. Last time I checked your world isn't crumbling around you. Mine's not either. The difference: I don't pretend that mine is no matter how much pressure I'm under.

- xx, Kelly.