I'll Move On Baby, Just Like You...

I don't feel like writing.

It's new years, but I'm sick and don't feel like taking the energy to think.

but I will, of course. It's mandatory, in my mind anyways.

I wish I could go back and remember all the things that have happened to me this year, all the things that have changed, but I honestly would have no idea where to start. My world has flipped upside down;

new friendships have replaced the old,

new horse and barn,

new coach and then new coach again [and again],

new relationships within my family,

new clothes,

new confidence,

new opinion,

new knowledge.

I've been happy, sad, worried, nervous, anxious, loud, silent, reflective, oblivious. I've fallen in love with new music, new horses, new friends, and new boys. Everything has changed, but everything is still the same. I'll remember yesterday for what it was; a stepping stone on my way to today. I'll look back and laugh at the silly, funny, stupid things I did in 2010 and laugh because it happened, and it is a part of me. I'll smile, because I know that no matter what happens in 2011 I have my family, the whole thing, behind me every step of the way. I'll reach goals because losing is not something I like to do. I'll move forward, live lightly, love passionately, trust few but with much, smile often. Laugh. Live. Love. Learn. Spend. Smile. Travel.

Goodbye my wonderful, eventful, exhilarating, lovely 2010.

Hello my beautiful, mysterious, exciting, fresh start.

Nice to see you 2011.

I've been waiting for you a while.

- xx, Kelly.

You're One Of A Kind...

The feeling of letting go. Taking that first deep breath that mixes anxiety into your blood and takes it for a ride. The adrenaline, the inability to contain your smile, the inability to contain your heart.

You’re untouchable, flying higher than anyone has ever been.

It’s freedom.

Not the kind that can be taken away,

The freedom that lives in your heart.

The sounds of the wind slipping past you,

Let your worries go, love

You’ve got all the time in the world.

He takes you to a place you’ve never been before,

Where the sun shines brighter, the birds sing louder,

The butterflies sparkle more.

Your heart tells you – take in what you can,

Before it disappears.

He wraps you up in his arms

Lifting every weight from your heart.

Let your worries go, love

You've got all the time in the world.

- xx, Kelly.

I Don't Know How To Tell You...

I don't know how to tell you.

I love everything about you.

I can't stop thinking about what you mean to me, how I can't be without you. You are so easy to talk to, so easy to deal with, so easy to be around. You know I'm not like anyone else, both a good [I hope] and a bad thing, and you still go out of your way for me. You keep me out of trouble. You are always there for me. You believe what I tell you over what you hear. You keep me from getting hurt. You make me smile, laugh, love, live.

You are so special - one of a kind really.

I don't know how to tell you.

I hate everything about you.

I can't stop thinking about what you've done to me, how much easier things would be without you. You don't talk to me, you cause so many problems [most of which are unnecessary], you never seem to want to be around me. You run away from me to be with your little friends. You lie, you cheat, you're so unbelievably hypocritical. You are the reason I have to find someone to be there for me, because you never listen to my side of the story. You hurt me. You make me cry, scream, frustrated, angry. You have making me mad down to a science.

You are so mean - one of a kind really.

- xx, Kelly.

Will You Let Me Drown?...

I hate that you make me happy. That every time I get a message from you, a call, a smile, I can't hold back - I have to smile, and laugh, and dance around.

I guess I only hate it because I love it so much, and it scares me that you have the power to do this to me. Don't abuse it, please?

I like being happy.

I like you.

I like being happy, and I like being with you.

- xx, Kelly.

Tingling, Silent, Numb...

I hate crying.

I hate not believing.

I hate regret.

I hate anger.

I hate jealousy.

I hate being lonely.

I hate longing.

I hate darkness.

Those moments where everything is so silent, everything is still, and you can't seem to find a single thought in your brain. You forget to breathe, you forget to care, you forget to do anything. You just are. You are living, just because. There is an endless nothingness, a sense of calm. You are at the eye of a storm. Everything is turned around and handed back to you, and you just watch as the world exists around you. Nothing is stopping anyone from buy and selling, talking and stealing, living and loving. You just aren't participating. You are quite, alone, and a disturbed sort of tranquil.

- xx, Kelly.

Things I'll Never Say...

I'm in over my head.

I can't find the surface. Which way is up? Why does this happen, this feeling, this flutter, this nervous energy, this little smile that makes your stomach do cartwheels.

It makes you crazy, some say.

Makes you want to skip down the street and smile at everyone you walk past, wishing them a good day. Makes you want to do good things for everyone so they can feel what it's like to be this happy. Makes you want to giggle and run in circles and fly. This contentment that makes you want to drive 300km and hour to your favourite place, be with the one who is making you really feel, and sit quietly, happily. Makes you want to spend the night talking, not talking, cuddling, kissing, being. In the true innocence of it all.

I hate the ache inside that makes you so, so happy. The thrill of new feelings. The excitement of attention paid. When boys call you 'babe'. When they act hurt because you tease them. The waiting and watching when you wake up, did they call/text/message me? I hate that I love this all so much.

Please, call me babe if you want something to come of this - it's my biggest weakness. Hold me just a little longer and a little tighter and a little closer. Tell me you miss me, you love me, you think I'm pretty if it's real - never before, I don't need to hear it ever if it's not really there, I'm okay with that. Visit me, surprise me, show up on my doorstep and demand I go for a walk or a drive or somewhere with you. Talk about whatever crosses your mind, who cares about relevancy? Let me steal your clothes, shirts make the best pyjamas, sweaters and sweats are perfect for nights at the barn. Get to wherever I am when I'm hurt or crying if it's something real, not just a cut but a fight with a parent, etc. Call or text me good morning every once and a while. Hold my hand, or put your hand in my back pocket. Kiss me in front of other pretty girls you know / are friends with. Come up behind me and kiss my neck and hold me around my waist. Smile at me, just because. Touch my lower back softly if you want to make me giggle, it's so ticklish and I think it's cute when guys figure that out. If you really want to win me over, listen carefully: I am a city girl, but my heart belongs in the country. Take me out to the countryside one night, don't tell me where we're going, take me somewhere with a beautiful view and a sky full of stars. Sit with me, hold me, you'll see. I could never be happier.

- xx, Kelly.

Carpe Diem...

Once upon a time thee was a little girl, and she was beautiful. Her little heart was full of questions, desires, opinions and music. She spent her time working hard at the things she loved, always making time when there didn't see to be enough. She never let those questions, desires, opinions, or music fade, even in the most stressful of times.

The little girl grew older, afraid that she would lose the things that were her make-up, she promised herself something: no matter what happened, no matter where she was, no matter what time, who she was with, what she was doing in her life, she would always keep those essential things with her. Especially the music.

This little girl grew, and as she did she continued to dance to the beat of her own drum; she promised she would never, ever give up on that drum.

Don't let yourself lose yourself. You are you, you are special, you are irreplaceable, you are unique, you are perfect, you are flawed. You are amazing. Never cease to amaze yourself.

- xx, Kelly.

Deck The Halls...

I'm sitting in my living room by myself. Newspapers, books and magazines piled on the coffee table, dishes in the rack slowly drip, drip, driping dry. Photos of trips out west, to europe, mexico, the cottage on the walls. Smiling faces looking out at me. The christmas music playing in the background is only disturbed by the flickering and crackling of the fire burning steadily beside me.

Christmas is a time, I think, to remember your family. A time to slow down and say to yourself, "wait a minute, look at all of this, look at all these things I have that I walk by every day and totally forget their significance." A time to look back and laugh, cry, smile, reflect on everyone who has touched you in your life. A time to remind your sibling that, although I currently am refraining from ringing your neck, I do love you.

This is a time, to smile simply because you are here! You've made it this far, things have gone wrong and you've done your best to take them as they come. People have tried to tear you down one rumour at a time, and you've told them in a polite and smiling manner, to fuck off.

This probably sounds a little all over the place, but my head is spinning with things and people who make me happy and that I want to spend my christmas with. 12 more days.

- xx, Kelly.

For The Nights We Can't Remember...

Here's to the long days, the heat waves,

heartbreaks, the first plunge into the water.

Cold drinks,

hot boys.

Good laughs and long chats - to the nights we can't remember, and the days that turned into mornings with the friends that turn into family.

Last but not least, the memories.

You will be missed summer 2010.

Catch you in a while.

Here's to the school days, the weekend raves,

the final five minutes of last period on friday.

Hot drinks, hotter hookups.

Better laughs and longer chats - to more nights we'll never remember, waking up with the people we know as family.

Bigger memories we wont forget, bigger mistakes we can't correct.

What's up December 2010, it's nice to finally meet you.

- xx, Kelly.

We're All Halfway Gone...

I was going through photos on another website I came across one that really made me feel. It showed a cell phone and read,

"My best friend died over the summer. I still have his number in my phone. Every time I'm upset, I still call him so I can hear his voicemail. It makes me feel better."

Reading this sent a shiver down my spine, and made me stop and really think about everything I have, everyone I love, and what it all means to me. I have so many good friends and so much amazing family, I really am lucky to have all the people I have. So, here's a little note to all of them:

Mom and Dad [and stepmom and stepdad] - you've shaped me since day one, you've help me through endless anxiety attacks and allowed me to grow and learn and be free. Thank you.

My girls - you are all seriously amazing. The time I've spent with you has been nothing short of extraordinary. The late nights, illegal actions, lessons learnt, sleepovers, bridges built, bridges burnt, love ignited, love extinguished. I'm forever here for you - a shoulder to cry on, a helping hand; I know you have been the same for me, and for this I am eternally thankful.

The few guys that have stuck around, my siblings, step siblings, and everyone in between - with your help, in big and small ways, I have grown into the person I am today. Though your contribution may be small, positive, negative, it will never be replaced and you have forever moulded me. I promise, I appreciate even the worst of factors.

To whatever degree, I love you all. I cannot imagine life without you, but I know eventually it is a reality. I hope you are all successful in life, everything you aspire to be and everything you dream and work for is earned. And yes, this includes those of you who have been negative impacts in my life. You still created a part of me. Separation is probable, death is inevitable, forever is only a life time on this earth - you will forever be a factor in mine.

- xx, Kelly.

I Love You With All I've Got...

-xx, Kelly.

Wait For Me This Time...

I hate people who tell me what I can and cannot do. I hate people that are only capable of talking about themselves and have no compassion when it finally becomes your turn to speak. I hate people who talk about everyone else, unable to hold back when they want to add a rude comment to a conversation about a person. I hate being the victim of gossip, I hate making decisions I regret, and sometimes I hate that I'm open with my opinions. I hate the teachers that expect students to be robots. I hate mornings like this morning when you wake up and a weight presses down on your chest making it all so much more difficult to keep breathing. I hate these mornings because all you want to do is go back to sleep, not because you're tired, but simply for the reason that you don't want to face everything you're feeling. When you wake up and you realize that you can't hide from all these silly boys and girls. When you wake up and you realize, today is just another day in this never ending cycle of wakeup-school-homework-sleep and repeat.

This is high school.

I would like to tell those teachers who tell me I can't that actually, I can thank you. Those who can only talk about themselves to stop because their insecurity which is talking isn't helping their case. Those that pick on people to shut the fuck up and worry about what actually concerns them, not everyone around them. And dear god, why are we not supposed to break down, show emotion, be human? This is how we were created isn't it? So why do we try and pretend we're something else? Those mornings wouldn't really be a problem then, everything would be much more manageable.

High school seems to only tell me that I can't.

Thank you. Actually, I can.

- xx, Kelly.

How To Love...

Love - an intense feeling of affection / a deep romantic or sexual attachment to someone / a great interest and pleasure in something / to like very much

Love.

fondness, appreciation, warmth, intimacy, attachment, devotion, adoration, passion, desire, lust, affection.

What defines love. How do we know we're feeling love. Does loving someone mean you're comfortable with them? Does it mean you want to be with them? Does it mean you can't be without them?

What is love. Is there one kind of love? Does that feeling of not knowing, waiting for him to call waiting for a sign constitute love in it's entirety? Is love the feeling of unity and security in family? Is love the near sibling relationship between best friends, inseparable and incomplete without each other? Or, is love something utterly different?

How to love, and how to let love go. One in the same really; if you consider how difficult it is to love - to put your feeling in the open, trust in another flawed being, and give everything you have. Compare this to how complicated it is to let love go - cut ties, leave feelings to disintegrate back to nothing, accept a future wildly different than what's become normal, and breathe, feel, think, decide for one person again.

Love. It's a word people use for a lot of things; we throw it around to the point that it's lost it's meaning. Love. A word I can't seem to find in myself to say to very many people, including family. Love. A mystery of heart and soul, a gift, a blessing, a puzzle, a secret, all the while wholly transparent.

Love is infinite/everywhere/nowhere/undefined.

- xx, Kelly.

Always Remember...

-xx, Kelly.