If you were my last shot...

I need to heal. Something I've said a hundred times in the last 31 days.

The scary thing about healing from heartbreak is letting go. Letting go of the person you still love, and can't imagine your life without. No matter how many times people tell you, and you tell yourself even, that everything will work out. That if it is meant to be it will be. That there are so many other wonderful people out there in the world for you. That you are so special, and smart and beautiful, and that if he can't see that he's not worth it anyways. That you're better than her. Smarter. Prettier. Skinnier. That you are beautiful. That you are young and lucky to be alive. That you dodged a bullet. That you were under mounted. That he must be crazy to leave. That he doesn't realize what he's losing. That you deserve better. No matter how many times you hear these things, and no matter how clearly your mind agrees with these comments... the heart wants what the heart wants. And it takes an unfortunately long time it seems for your heart to catch up to your head.

It's scary to move on and let go of the life you had planned. The person you had planned it with. It's nerve racking to look to the future and see a sea of big, bold question marks ahead. But that doesn't mean this is the wrong thing. It means that it is a hard thing, but it doesn't make it wrong.

I want to heal. I want to spend the time to do it properly. I want to speak again someday soonish and know that you're okay. And I want to do that when I feel that I can handle it, and that when I put down the phone that I will be okay.

I want to get better and I want to find my balance and I want to smile. I want to smile without thinking about it - just because of the genuine joy that I feel.

-xx,