Sometimes I get scared, and sometimes people think it's out of place, but I like to think it's because I can see how things are going to end. I don't try and fool myself into believing things that can't be confirmed and baseless optimism, or optimism at all, isn't my forte. And as much as this helps me and saves me a lot of trouble at times, it also takes some of the fun out of things. I am the true child of two accountants. I calculate risk; I ask myself whether it's worth it, whether it's likely to end well and whether I can handle it all going wrong. All of this happens in the blink of an eye, and there it is. That's when I turn and run. And it's sad, because relationships, human relationships of any kind really, seem to fall under a middle catagory. Where yes, it is worth it, but no, it's not worth really putting my heart into it. It ends up hurting too much and I keep learning this the hard way.
That's how I feel now. Except this time I put more of me into it. I put more on the line than I ever have before. And I feel so dumb for doing so. Because I have this sinking feeling that you wont ever do the same. And that you never did. That this is where I'll stay. I know I end up being expendable most of the time, but I don't understand why. And so this just hurts. I thought, silly me, that this was different. That I wouldn't end up sitting there crying. And that I'd just be happy.
I'm not mad, at myself or you really, just upset. I know better and so it just hurts. This is one of those weeks where a bunch of things all went wrong at once. One of those weeks where you stand a little too close to the edge for comfort. This is one of those weeks where I want to curl up in my bed and never get out.
- xx, K.
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