I Don't Want You Tonight...

What a lie. There are days where I smile and think, "Wow, a boy would really ruin this right now.." but lets be honest, thats not very often. Last night, while sitting on my bed organizing my life and listening to music, I decided something.

A boy is only as important as you let it be, if you obsess, you're going to drive yourself crazy. As lovely as it is to know that there is someone there that really likes you, it's more important to be able to stand alone, and know that it doesn't matter who loves you and who hates you, but that people do, and life goes on with or without them.

And with or without them is your choice.

I can't understand the girls who don't realize this - you don't have to be friends with people you don't like, you don't have to see a guy you don't like. You're not bound to them just because at one point it worked. It's really not life or death, I promise, everyone will get over it.

It's more important to have a future, to set yourself up for success. More important to set yourself up for happiness. It's not worth throwing everything away for a boy, sure you'll have to compromise on certain things, but there are a lot of things that you shouldn't have to compromise on.

For example, any boy that gets close to me has to know that I work, I go to school and have to do well, and I have horses who will always know more than he will, and will always be there. He has to know that I have big dreams, and bigger goals. I'm trying to be the best junior in the country, and I'm going to work as hard as I can to make that my reality.

So lets be honest,

I really do want you tonight, but stay home if you have a problem with anything I've said.

- xx, Kelly.

#41 call or text her goodnight

I'm Not Afraid Of Anything, I Just Need To Know That I Can Breathe...

Okay, so it's been 7,8,9,10 looong days. It's not a bad thing, I just haven't really been home. From last friday until today I've been fairly MIA. Here's why:

Friday was Sarah's birthday. The girls and I went over to her house, and she had a party. It was a ton of fun, met a bunch of fun guys, Lola was able to get a guy [who is quite a bit older] tightly wrapped around her finger, Chloe macked a boy that had been chasing after her for quite some time, Kristine macked a boy that she has secretly liked for a while. All in all, pretty good night. I spent a good amount of time talking to Lola and this guy, who is a sweetheart and you'll be hearing more about.

Saturday we saw a couple guys who I've become good friends with. We saw them pretty much everyday between friday and yesterday, haha, they're the best. Things were pretty calm after that, didn't really do anything big until Thursday. Thursday night one of Kelsey's close friends had a bondfire. Most of the guys that had been at Sarah's were at the bondfire. [with the exception of the boy] And so it was a fun night, the bondfire ran really smoothly, and some interesting things happened. The guy that Chloe macked at Sarah's was there, and told Kristine [after I'd walked away to talk to someone else] to tell me he though I was really pretty. She gave him my PIN so he could bbm me, and we started talking. [note, I was never into him.. it was more me talking to him because I had very few ways out of it]

Friday night, Darcy, Lola and I went to see the movie SALT [with Angelina Jolie - it's really good] About 45 minutes into the movie I got a bbm from him saying that I should go to this party he was at, and bring the girls. We ended up going after the movie, and as soon as I got there I made sure he was aware that I didn't think of him that way. [by flirting with one of his bestfriends all night] I ended up hooking up with his friend about half way through the night just before he left. His friend was not so pleased. I was sick of texting him [the friend] so I gave my phone to Kelsey. Next thing I know I'm being forced to walk to the subway with the friend so that we can hook up. It was awkward, but after I left I sent him a bbm saying that I didn't like him that way and didn't want to lead him on, and he got over it. Now he wants to play cupid and get Ethan and I together. What an odd ball.

Saturday I saw the guys again, but it was a bit different than on friday. About 20 minutes after we got there the same friend came up to me and asked if I wanted to go for a walk. So we walked and talked for a bit, and then went back to the party and found a fairly empty area of the house and sat down and talked, and then hooked up again. [which I have to say, was veryy nice]

After that my week so far has been filled with almost nothing. Saw Lola and Sarah on tuesday, and Lola again today, but nothing super exciting. Lots of movies and chats.

- xx, Kelly.

#40 when you hug her hold her tightly and as close as you can

You're A Chance Taker, Heart Breaker...

The past two days have been beyond craaazy. Natalie and I decided to go for a walk to get something to eat. When we got to our original destination [Shopper's], Natalie decided she wanted a McDonald's burger, so we kept walking. Just as we were about a block away, the parents decided to give us a call. I talked to them, [they were not pleased] and they decided that they'd come pick us up. Problem was, we didn't tell them that we were as far away as we were, we just said we were at Shoppers. In a major panic, I ran and grabbed my bike and my step brother's bike from the other house, and we biked back to the Shopper's, locked the bikes a block away, and walked in just before our parents pulled up. Natalie and I planned that we would walk over and pick up the bikes the next day. Unfortunately, this didn't go as planned either.



Monday morning, at 10:40, I woke up to a phone call asking where I was, and why I hadn't opened the store I work at yet. It's supposed to open at 10. In a mad panic out the door, I decided I would take the car, otherwise I'd never get to work before 11. I got to work, opened the store, and got a lovely call from Head Office, besically giving me the "don't fuck up, again" message. I spent my lunch break driving the car home so the parents wouldn't notice, and picking up the bikes on the way. [I had to jam the bikes into the car, almost breaking them seeing as there was so little space] When I got the car home I realized that the parking space on the street that the car had been in was now taken. I parked the car in the driveway, took the bikes out, and called my mom. I told her the people across the street asked me to move the car into the driveway because they were moving things into their house and needed the space for the truck.



All in all, it was a little stressful, but I got in zero trouble, and it was quite entertaining with all the whistling out of car windows and such.



- xx, Kelly.



#39 hold her hand when you're walking together

I Feel The Waves Crashing At My Feet...

Everyone looks for it. Supposably everyone finds it, too. It starts with that little tug, the "what do I do" kind. Then the little smile that you smother every time you hear their name. Every movie, play, song, poem, verse refers to it in some way or another. It's a mix of emotions like no other; sometimes you're as high as a kite, sometimes you're really not. Sometimes you wish you were incapable of feeling. Of hurting. Of missing. Incapable of staying up late, sitting alone in the dark. Crying. Crying because you know you've lost something, however good, bad, tragic, it may be. Because you don't know what to say. You lose sight of why you're crying, but you continue because you can't bear stopping. Things feel complicated, however simple they really are. Emotions twist. Twist even the smallest problem in a knot, so you have to work through it before you even reach the original. The original problem. The problem is that no one says how they feel. No one cares for you unless you care for them. It's a world of "me first" 's. A world of loneliness, a world of deception. All brought about by this one problem. No one seems to know how to say LOVE.

I love you, so do me a favor, stop avoiding me and my questions, tell me what you really feel?

- xx, you know who I am.