It's A Tragic Game...

I'm so excited. I really am. I don't need to prove to people that I can do things, that they're not better than me or that I know what I'm talking about. I'm here for one reason and that is to get somewhere. To prove to myself that I can. And to go ahead and do all of those things you doubt I can. And I'm really excited about it. About the fact that I am getting somewhere. The fact that things are working and that I'm doing better than anyone thought I would, better than I thought I would. So to those of you who doubted me, please continue. Your disbelief drives me to work harder and stronger. Your encouragement would be nice, but hell, it changes absolutely nothing. And sweet heart, as much as you would like to believe you have a say, I wont be around to listen to your words. I would advise that you just don't bother.

I'm really excited. 

Excited to continue learning, 

to continue growing, and 

to continue surprising people. 

Because like many silly boys have told me

I'm one of a kind.

Too bad they couldn't figure out 

that translates into determined,

hard working,

hard to hold,

and impossible to tie down.

I'm just excited in general. 

Excited to grow,
Excited to succeed,

Excited to see the world, and

Excited to be free.

- xx, K.

The Saints We See Are All Made Of Gold..

I look around me and I see you everywhere. You haven't been here for a while, a month maybe, yet there are signs of your presence and memories littered about the space. Your silly little notes hang, still, where you left them for me to discover. Your baby photo which you swore you would burn if you ever found it remains hidden on my cork board. Your shirts and sweaters folded neatly in my closet for the days I feel alone, when I can't seem to get warm and all I want to do is cuddle up beside you in your bed. With my head resting on your shoulder where it fits just right. In your room, walls plastered with posters and alive with music, I am calm and comfortable unlike any other place. I have two bedrooms of my own. Neither as comfortable or seemingly my own as yours has come to be.

Things are different now. Boundaries are set in places they weren't before and I know that this is for a good reason. Times change. People change. And we changed both together and on our own.

I'm just happy that I can still be there, whenever you need me. You are one of few that I trust implicitly. I hope for the world for you and find comfort in the fact that I know you wish the same for me.

- xx, Kelly. 

Time's Run Out On Making Moves...

I'm going to do the insecure / whiney thing for a minute. So bare with me, I promise this isn't going to become a trend.

I hate that I always get myself into these situation where, yes, I have a guy.. but it's never what I want. Like, sure he's a great guy. Sure, he treats me well and sure he does and says the right things. But then there's the other side of this. Have I ever been asked on a proper date? nope. Have I ever been treated to things, or surprised and brought place and included and been that special girl? Not really, no. I always end up with the guys I'm not supposed to be with. It always ends up needing to be kept quiet. And that's translated into, we're-together-but-I-can't-outwardly-like-him. Which also means, he-has-an-excuse-to-never-acknowledge-our-relationship. And the vicious cycle continues. I don't ask for much, I'm not the pushy girlfriend who asks for things to be bought for her. My ex-boyfriend spent next to nothing on presents for me, and I loved them. He was thoughtful and took the time to do things he knew I would appreciate. Those were good days, but unfortunately, he is the ex. And so that's ended. And the current is, well, back to square one. Back to my usual situation of a boy who likely will never ask me on a proper date, and even more likely, affection is only seen behind closed doors.

Then there's the other thing that hits each one of us at different times and to different degrees. You see those girls, you know the ones I'm talking about. The ones who seem to have everything going for them. They're stunning, funny and no guy can walk past them without doing a double take. I have always been the one who's considered, "interestingly pretty" or "different" looking. That's great… except interest and different are the kinder version of words like weird and strange. I always end up befriending that girl, the one no one can resist. And as much as I want to understand their problems, I'm usually just the girl who is friends with those guys. So when she talks about how he's been after her since day one, I don't understand.

That's all. Just had to put these thoughts, these insecurities, somewhere. We all feel this every once and a while, today I do, tomorrow I'll forget them and get busy with all the excitements of homecoming weekend.

- xx, K.

Eight Seconds Left In Over Time, She's On Your Mind...

People come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts. No matter the length of their stay we all grow and learn and change with these experiences and are never again the same naive little person we once were. Some people stay longer, their habits and their opinions begin to mesh with our own and we live side by side peacefully in a sort of equilibrium. It's in these people that we find, when they decide it is time to leave, we find and lose ourselves and have to work to pull everything back together. It's these people we find ourselves thinking about at the most inopportune moments, these people that we crave the care and attention of when things are difficult, when we need help. Their guiding hand, once carefully placed on your back protecting and sheltering you from the heart of the storm, no longer present. The void left is unprotected, it's empty and worst of all, it's vulnerable.

And when you feel as though you'll be okay all by yourself, you've carefully put the pieces back together and everything works again, your mind wanders back to them still. But instead this time of hurt, good memories shine through. Laughter and love and smiles replace the hurt that clouded everything. It's in these moment that we find who we really are.

Standing on your own two feet, smiling and ready to take on the world by yourself until someone new decides to offer you a hand. A hand you are strong enough to accept or decline.

- xx, K.

This Clock Never Seemed So Alive...

I think it's funny how much people focus on being liked. We are social beings so of course we want to have friends. I'm not saying that we should all want to be introverted and spend 90% of our time alone, but people change so much when they think someone would rather be without them. A person could spend days telling you how little time they have for another, but the moment they suspect that the feeling is mutual - that the dislike is, in fact, felt from both ends - they obsess over mending the strained relationship.

Because it was okay for them to say rude things and ignore someone, but it stopped being okay when it happened the other way around. Because it was no problem when they called the shots, but with that power taken away they can't handle the pressure. Because some people can't imagine having to sit by themselves. Can't imagine having only one person to turn to and they can't imagine having to fend for themselves in a place where the odds are stacked against them.

I've been the one who's being unwillingly alone over and over again from one time to another and I have to say I'm okay with it. When personalities clash, experiences are wildly different, and opinions are incoherent it doesn't make sense to push a friendship. If we could get along we would've. And as much fun as it is running around worrying about what you think of me, I'm much happier knowing that I don't think about you. And your opinion, though likely valid, doesn't phase me. Sure, this is harder than it sounds, and of course it means you'll sit by yourself on weekends occasionally (or far more often than you would like). But this also means that when you find friends, which you inevitably will, they wont fade away or flit off to someone more interesting.

And if they do, you'll just keep moving forward.
You're far to valuable to waste energy worrying when they're not concerned about you.
Fight for what can and should be, not what should've never been in the first place.

- xx, K.

I Get So Restless...

I took up yoga a little over a year ago and there are days, like today, that I'm so glad I did. People are crazy, there are so many times where I wonder what the hell is going on in their little pea brains. I wonder what possessed them to believe they were making good decisions. I have my days where people think I'm just as crazy but (hopefully) they're few and far between. The lovely thing about yoga is that it teaches you how to breathe. How to get grounded and feel the stability from the ground below you. To stretch and breathe and release the tensions held in the most obscure of muscles, the tension in your entire body. It's a release that isn't comparable to many other things. It's a clarity and a freedom that keep the body fresh and the mind sharp. Allowing realistic and positive thoughts, and most importantly, allowing us to more forward. The peace found in this silent exploration of the human body through movement is an escape that saves me time and time again.

- xx, K.