Every once and a while we stumble upon things from the past that make us reflect. Tomorrow (in 10 minutes) is the birthday of a guy I had really liked, and then got fucked over by. I met someone new friday and the situation I was in reminded me of him - but I did things a little differently. You see, ever since a lovely little incident with a girl I'm not too fond of (Cadela) and a boy I used to talk to I have a hard time trusting guys. This new one, well, he was lovely. Different, too. More soft spoken than the typical arrogant high school guys. And really nice. But I was scared, too afraid to start liking him just incase. Just incase I really meant nothing and he had a girl on his mind that he really wanted. So I ran. Metaphorically of course. And now I'm not sure if that was a good idea or not. I thought it for sure hadn't been soon after, but now I'm wondering if his summer away and the fact that he has another girl are good enough reasons for what I did to have been a good decision. It's funny, because I rarely run. I'm the one that jumps head long into things and gets hurt. But I couldn't do it this time. Even though I really did want to.
I found this on my phone (I often write on my phone when I don't have my computer with me and occasionally post these writings later on) it's from just after the mess with Cadela and the boy:
I just want you gone. It's that simple. All I ask. Really. Because I don't know how much longer I'll be able to stand you. It's all the little things, they keep my p at night. (clearly.. it's 2 am and I can't sleep) The lie. They're the worst part of who you are. You take me down in front of anyone you can. Anyone who will listen. And yet, I can't get away from you. Because these friends have no problem with you and you don't seem as though you have any intention of leaving their sides. The funny thing is, these people have nothing good to say about you. They mock you they say they're disgusted by you.. yet, for some reason they can't bring themselves to stand their ground. Instead they fold and pretend to be your friend. Well I'm very sorry, but when I don't like someone I have no intention of faking a friendship. It's so fake it kills me.
It's funny, isn't it, that the ones that say they'll stick by you the most keep their word the least at times like these.
I don't feel this strongly now, however there is one part that remains - I will not be your friend. I don't have the time or energy to be spent building up a false friendship with you just to call you a slut behind your back. You know what I think of you and I'l say it to you directly, again, if you didn't quite understand the first time.
- xx, Kelly.
Because people exhaust me. The drama, the lies, the conflict. Because work exhausts me. Because everything pushes against you. It's like gravity. You're brought down to earth in the highest of times. When you think you've got it figured out. That you finally got it right and that you're truly happy. That's when this undeniable gravity comes back to haunt you.