We Meet Again...

It has been a very long time since I've been here. Sitting at my computer with words in my head and a  blank page on the screen. It's funny, isn't it, how we can leave something behind for so much time and  when we come back it still feels natural? Like it was only yesterday that I was in this same seat.

In many ways this is a space that describes my high school years. Not in so many words to name names, but closely enough that I remember how I was feeling through it all. The good, the bad, the ugly.

I'm not sure that this is something I want to use to do the same with my time at university, but here I am sitting here tonight. I guess we will just have to see what comes of it, won't we.

When I wanted to write, but was short on inspiration, I would scroll through endless pages of photos - beautiful places and people, inspirational quotes, dresses, and landscapes, and desserts, and love. I could always count on finding something that I had an opinion about. One that I wanted to share with this space, whether anyone read what I had to say or not was neither here nor there. It doesn't much matter how many people read your words when you are only writing for yourself anyways.

Today my source of inspiration is much the same as it was those days.

"Don't ever compliment me by insulting other women. That's not a compliment, it's a competition none of us agreed to."

These words don't need to be expanded upon, this is an important message and it has been stated very clearly, though of course you know I will anyways.

I can't count how many times I've been told "you're not like most girls."

Of course I'm not.

But doesn't that just seem to be too obvious a statement - it's not like we're all related or something.. I can't see a reason for why I would be like most girls.

And lets stop here for a second.

What's wrong with "most girls"? Because last time I checked, and I know I'm right about this, we're all different. We all have our own strengths and weaknesses. We all have unique relationships with the world around us. There is no categorization that "most girls" could possibly fall under.

We are not interchangeable. We are individuals.

So why should this line be handed out like it's a compliment? I don't want to be like any of these other girls that you speak of, but that has never and will never mean that that makes me superior to any of them, or any of them superior to me.

Continuing on -

Comparing me to your ex, your sister, your best friend, your mother or any other female and telling me that I'm "better" does not boost my confidence.

I would expect that you feel differently about me than your do about them but I have no interest in you sizing me up in comparison.

I am entirely unique. I am my own person and no one shares my thoughts.

You are not comparing the stats of a new and and old iSomething.

I hope that you appreciate who I am, quirks and all, but don't use your appreciation for me as amo to put someone else down.

- xx, K.

You Have Always Worn Your Flaws Upon Your Sleeve...

One of the most attractive qualities any person can possess is confidence.

The ability to be proud of who you are, to be comfortable with your flaws and your quirks, and to hold your head high no matter what happens or what people say is a beautiful thing. 

I find myself drawn toward confident people. Though I most definitely do not want to confuse arrogant with confidence. We should all know we are far from perfect, but what is more refreshing than someone who can look past your flaws and see what a stunning person you are? And someone who can appreciate a beautiful mind? And is there anything better than a person who takes the time to see how beautiful you are in that mind of yours? 

There is so much pressure, so much emphasis, placed on physical appearance. So much judgement based on clothing and make up. What mask we put on in the morning. How we chose to hide ourselves from the world that day. 

We wear our clothes like shields. Hiding behind the latest trends, the hand-me-downs, the over the top cleavage shirts and way-too-tight tights that we like to call pants. 

And where does this get us?

It sure as hell hasn't made us better people. We lie to each other, use awful words to describe one another, and go to bed believing that we are truly good people through and through. We deceive ourselves and others.

We live in a world that disregards the greater good in favour of the easier option and the more profitable path. We spend so much time hiding ourselves from those around us, because we know that every glance is one of judgement and every action is calculated. We see through the fake smiles and the compulsory well-wishing, and participate because that's what we do. We have friends that know what our lips feel like, siblings we don't speak to, and parents we don't listen to. And all for what? It sure as hell isn't making us better people.

I believe the two most beautiful things a person can possess are kindness and confidence. Not a material thing, not a degree that proves you're smart, and not a badge that proves you're better, stronger, faster.

Simply the ability to treat people as they should be treated - with respect and dignity and grace and compassion - and to believe whole-heartedly in your abilities - to be respectful and dignified and graceful and compassionate.

Kindness. Confidence. Beauty.

Synonymous if you're doing it right.

- xx, K.

The Miles Are Getting Longer...

I think about you a lot.

While driving along back roads, when I'm sitting in my room painting my nails, when I'm grocery shopping, all sorts of different times for various reasons.

I think about the things we did together, all the years you have spent with me, you've helped me grow and become who I am. You have influenced who I am more so that you know. Trips to see interesting places, in the city and around, planting flowers, going to shows and learning about all the beautiful things there are in this world. Listening to stories of the places you've seen and the things you've done.

It was always nice to have you so close by when things were going wrong. It was so nice to have a place to go when I didn't feel comfortable anywhere else. Through bullying, through divorce, through the general confusion of a young girl trying to figure out friends and how this living thing works, you were always there. If I ever needed anything, anything at all, you were a phone call away.

I drove past the farm a couple weeks ago. It feels empty knowing it's no longer ours. It's a decision that I know was difficult for you, and I know it was the right thing to do, but it doesn't mean I don't miss it. One of the few places that never changed, not even a little bit, throughout my life. With parents moving, divorce and remarriage, there wasn't much else that didn't change.

I miss you.

I miss seeing you every wednesday at lunch time, I miss driving to the farm, picking rhubarb and walking the back road and just talking to you. I miss Christmas and Easter and Thanksgiving at your house, in the dining room, with the whole family.

I'm blessed, because I've had so many wonderful chances to get to know you, to learn from you, and just to spend time with you. And I'm blessed because you're not gone yet. It's difficult to see you as you are now. It's so different from the you I knew just over a year ago, but I'm blessed to have you here the way you are, healthy and present.

Most days, I just wish I had taken more time to talk to you before all of this. Learn about your life a little more, your childhood, and your dreams. Dragged you up to the farm a few more times before it sold and down the road.
But I guess there is no point in wishing for things that can't be changed. So I'll just have to spend what time I can with you now. It's different, but I don't want to have anything else to regret.

- xx, K.

In The End We're All The Same...

What is morally correct?

Is it right to do what is in the best interest of humans, whether it is their wants or needs, at all costs?
Or are we responsible for the environment and the other creatures that have less capability to defend themselves against our selfish manipulation of Earthly conditions?

I believe that most people would tend to agree, in theory at the least, that we are obligated to ourselves as well as the rest of the living things on this planet equally. We all live here. We must all work together in order for our needs to remain satisfied. Humans have the upper hand in that they are capable of changing the way things work to allow for favourable conditions. Unfortunately, what is favourable in our wants does not always translate to being favourable for anything else.

I'm in the middle of writing an essay about the moral obligation a corporation has to the environment in terms of the production of a product, though capable of generating great revenue, that has monumental effects on wildlife. It's unfortunate, as I read into the topic, how hollow peoples' words really are.

I cannot, off the top of my head, think of someone who would outwardly state that personal wants of material goods are more important than the livelihood of our forests and oceans. But then again I cannot, off the top of my head, think of a person who is denying themselves these material goods in order to spend their money and their time on something that will aid in the preservation of these same forest and oceans and all of the creatures who call these places home.

I wrote a speech some 4 or 5 years ago regarding the importance of the shark species to the balance of the ocean ecosystem, and the detrimental effects that the depletion of this species could have on our wellbeing. I had great feedback from the shocking work I'd done and the terrifying statistics that supported my argument. I urged people to aid in the case; if you were unwilling to actively participate then donations or simply avoiding consumption of sharks was what I asked.

The fact that people did not do much to support my cause was not surprising to me. What shocked me was how quickly people ignored it. Out of sight, out of mind.

This is not meant to guilt you into donating to animal sanctuaries or anything like that. This was, however, intended to supply something to mull over in your little brain for a while. When you know in your heart what the right thing to do is, why do you comply with your desire to be lazy and your desire to blend in? Why do so few of us embrace the challenge of making the things we do less toxic to those around it? Whether it's the ocean, the sharks, or foreign children who work to support their families in extremely hostile conditions.

We ignore things that we find unpleasant. But that makes us weak. We are unaware of our surroundings, however don't you believe for a second that they have disappeared. Quite the contrary, this ignorance allows for greater disasters to brew.

- xx, Kelly. 

Not The One With The Match...

Everyone has a breaking point. Whether yours is easy or difficult to reach, it's there and we all have to watch that we don't do things that force us to reach it.

I can't decide if my problem is that I put myself in situations where I'm destined to get there, or if I push people to reach theirs and then it's inevitable that I end up there with them.

I question my ability to be in committed relationships constantly. Not because I'm incapable, but because I never seem to be good enough. I don't make people happy. I've mastered the art of getting the guy, but keeping them is something I can't quite get the hang of. Maybe there's a reason, maybe it's something I do or don't do. Maybe I have a knack for getting wrapped up in the wrong people.

I don't know what it is. But it's there.

When you're telling me you're not happy, am I supposed to assume I have no part in that? Because that tells me, since I have a substantial role in your life, you're not happy about some aspect of that. Telling me that you don't like where your life is at and that you can't smile when I ask what's wrong is bringing me down too. I want to be happy and I want you to be happy but if you can't then I can't either. Sadness is infectious. And as much as I want to be sad, I can make myself sad all on my own, it's not something I've ever needed help with.

Maybe I'm the one who's pushing towards the breaking point. I know I make mistakes. I know there are things I've done that I shouldn't have. And I know that I'm not perfect. But I am human. And I am trying. And I do care.

- xx, K. 

Everything Is Made To Be Broken…

It's amazing how we are able to stress so much over things that end up being such small pieces of ourselves.

One of the things I see in people is a fear of not getting things done fast enough. Not doing things at the 'right' time, the socially 'acceptable' time, the time that everyone else chooses to do these things. And people get so distracted by the prospect of not fitting in, of failing in one sense, and so they work themselves up into a state of fear.

I wish I could tell them, and really make them believe in their heart, that they have nothing to worry about. We live long lives. Today, work hard, be smart in your decisions and believe that you've done all that you can. There will always be tomorrow, and most things can wait. It's important to learn to take a step back, take a deep breath, and say to yourself, "I can do this, I will try my best, and at the end of the day I will be happy with the results and learn from what I accomplished. And I will have other opportunities to do better in the future."

Because you will have another shot. Especially in school. Yes, okay so it costs more money. And you know what, it does feel shitty to fail something. It sucks and no one wants to do it. But does it say anything about who you are as a person? No. Does it mean anything once you redo the course and work a little harder? No.

All it tells me is that you have learned something.

We are all still growing. We are all trying to figure out what works for us and what doesn't. At the end of the day, the best thing to learn how to do is to step back, take a few deep breaths, and let things go. Let things be.

Believe in yourself and your abilities and determination.
Be stubborn.
And remember, who you are and how you prepare and handle it is more important that the event itself.

We're all still learning and no one can hold that against you. It is not the end of the world and you will figure it out.

- xx, Kelly.