Not The One With The Match...

Everyone has a breaking point. Whether yours is easy or difficult to reach, it's there and we all have to watch that we don't do things that force us to reach it.

I can't decide if my problem is that I put myself in situations where I'm destined to get there, or if I push people to reach theirs and then it's inevitable that I end up there with them.

I question my ability to be in committed relationships constantly. Not because I'm incapable, but because I never seem to be good enough. I don't make people happy. I've mastered the art of getting the guy, but keeping them is something I can't quite get the hang of. Maybe there's a reason, maybe it's something I do or don't do. Maybe I have a knack for getting wrapped up in the wrong people.

I don't know what it is. But it's there.

When you're telling me you're not happy, am I supposed to assume I have no part in that? Because that tells me, since I have a substantial role in your life, you're not happy about some aspect of that. Telling me that you don't like where your life is at and that you can't smile when I ask what's wrong is bringing me down too. I want to be happy and I want you to be happy but if you can't then I can't either. Sadness is infectious. And as much as I want to be sad, I can make myself sad all on my own, it's not something I've ever needed help with.

Maybe I'm the one who's pushing towards the breaking point. I know I make mistakes. I know there are things I've done that I shouldn't have. And I know that I'm not perfect. But I am human. And I am trying. And I do care.

- xx, K. 

Everything Is Made To Be Broken…

It's amazing how we are able to stress so much over things that end up being such small pieces of ourselves.

One of the things I see in people is a fear of not getting things done fast enough. Not doing things at the 'right' time, the socially 'acceptable' time, the time that everyone else chooses to do these things. And people get so distracted by the prospect of not fitting in, of failing in one sense, and so they work themselves up into a state of fear.

I wish I could tell them, and really make them believe in their heart, that they have nothing to worry about. We live long lives. Today, work hard, be smart in your decisions and believe that you've done all that you can. There will always be tomorrow, and most things can wait. It's important to learn to take a step back, take a deep breath, and say to yourself, "I can do this, I will try my best, and at the end of the day I will be happy with the results and learn from what I accomplished. And I will have other opportunities to do better in the future."

Because you will have another shot. Especially in school. Yes, okay so it costs more money. And you know what, it does feel shitty to fail something. It sucks and no one wants to do it. But does it say anything about who you are as a person? No. Does it mean anything once you redo the course and work a little harder? No.

All it tells me is that you have learned something.

We are all still growing. We are all trying to figure out what works for us and what doesn't. At the end of the day, the best thing to learn how to do is to step back, take a few deep breaths, and let things go. Let things be.

Believe in yourself and your abilities and determination.
Be stubborn.
And remember, who you are and how you prepare and handle it is more important that the event itself.

We're all still learning and no one can hold that against you. It is not the end of the world and you will figure it out.

- xx, Kelly.

Baby, Come On Home...

This is something new for me, and although there are a million and one other things I need to be doing right now, I can't focus on anything until I put this out there. Wherever there is.

I can't ever seem to figure out a proper balance between good and bad. I find everything flows back and forth. I roll along with the tide until I get pushed into the reality of the unforgiving shore. Then, slowly, I am pulled back under, and when I emerge, there is sun and blue skies and miles between the shore and I. And until I am again caught off guard, I am calm and happy and relaxed in my paradise among the waves and the sun.

The issue, I'd like to say is you but unfortunately, is me. I'm good at picking the things I shouldn't. I'm not one for easy decisions, and even when I think I'm making one, making a safe decision and doing the right thing, I find there is always a catch.

Well, this is no different. I am a person who make decisions quickly it may seem. But I wait, and I think for a long time before I do anything. It's after all of this time, after I've had the ability to really know what I'm doing, that I make my decision. And I stick to it.

I struggle at times because most people don't make their choices this way. Lucky for them, because that makes life easier, but it doesn't help when other things, the unexpected phone call, the "hey I've missed you" text from someone you've been meaning to forget.

The truth is, I expect the worst. And maybe it's just (more than maybe, it probably is) me looking at the worst case. Maybe I'm over reacting and maybe I'm being silly. But this happens a lot to me. I'm not sure why and I'm not sure what to do to change it.

So I'll wait. I'll wait because, at least this time, I want to wait. I want to see you prove me wrong. More than I have ever before, actually.

I've done shitty relationships. I've done random encounters that mean nothing. I've done crying over boys and I've done laughing at mistakes that really are entertaining. But this time I want something different. I've never done functional, fun and exciting. I've never done commitment that doesn't leave me feeling empty. And the prospect of that, the prospect of wanting that is exciting.

So prove me wrong. I dare you.

- xx, K.

Love Is Patient, Love Is Kind...

My dears,

Let me start off by telling you how special you are. And please, do take what I have to say in the next few lines to heart.

You under value yourself; when you look in the mirror at the beginning and end of each day, know that the girl looking back at you is smart, she is beautiful, and she is one of a kind. She is irreplaceable. And that is something you must never forget. Because for every girl you look at and hold more highly, for one reason or another, than yourself there is a girl who thinks the same of you.

You must remember that for every bad day, every shitty person you meet and experience you have you are learning, each of these people are creating you with good and bad examples. Each of these unfortunate situations build character and are balanced out by the good times and good people you will inevitably meet.

You should always remember how much you all worth, remember to be kind to others, and remember to make the best decisions for you. Value yourself, embrace your beauty and grow confident and secure with who you are. Because we can all see just how wonderful you are, but unless you can learn to see it too it means nothing at all.

Let me finish this off by telling you how special you are. And please, take the time to see it in yourself too.

Yours Truly,

- xx, K.

I'll Stay With You...

Everyone has different goals, different end results that constitute what they deem 'the good life'. It is these differences that keep us from losing our purpose - if each person wanted all the same things are we really individuals at all? But in these diverse beings is an innate longing, a need one could say, for a few main things.

We all search for love. We search for happiness. We  search for comfort, and ease and practicality  We all look for and find these things in different places, but the search is universal.

We all long to be appreciated, for the work we do and for being the person that we are. At the end of the day, no face we put on is what we want to be most appreciated for.

Each person deems happiness to require different things. To some, the pursuit of knowledge, of creating new things and discovering new ideas is what constitutes happiness. To others, beautiful cars and expensive homes are a means to happiness. No matter the path taken, we all are searching the way we know best.

I find the more time I spend thinking, the luckier I feel to have had the upbringing and the schooling that I did. I was taught from a very young age that the most important things, and the best way to really come into yourself as a person is by learning to give. We are all born with the innate capability to want and to need, but to sacrifice and to give are learned traits that don't come naturally. These things take time, they take practise and they take a lot of learning the hard way about how much it sucks to be on the receiving end of being denied this.

In terms of love: maybe searching for love is our problem. Maybe this is something that comes when we learn to love ourselves. and maybe, just maybe we just have to be patient and wait it out. I am the first to admit that this prospect sucks, but the most unexpected things are usually the best.

My thoughts, whatever they're worth, for the night

- xx, Kelly.

Touch The Sky...

Post number one of the now 5th year I have had this space, this home to my thoughts and confusions and arguments that make up the tug-of-war that goes on from one day to the next in my head. This place where I have been able to vent and rant and discuss topics that interest, bother or trouble me.

Its amazing, looking back, because I remember the things I wrote five years ago so clearly. Those feelings, those situations and those posts come back to me with ease. I started this blog for no one but myself. I created it as a place to empty my thoughts and concerns and to remind me of these things years later when the memories were not quite so fresh in my mind. I created it to allow me to focus on today, with the security that past memories were safe and could always be reflected upon.

In the past five years a lot has changes; from schools to horses to friends to boyfriends, not to mention my opinion and outlook has grown and become far more developed. I am, technically speaking anyways, an adult now. My preferences have changed, my mind has opened, my understanding of who I am is strong. I have growing to do still, however I know I will be just fine no matter where I end up. I know that I will succeed at what I put my mind to and that no matter where in the world I end up I will make my time there worthwhile and enjoyable.

It took these five years of growing to get me here. All my successes, my failures, my mistakes, my hard work, my insecurities and my lucky guesses. These have created me as I am.

Welcome to 2013; a year in which we have infinite potential if only we focus and use it to the best of our capabilities. This is no different than 2012, but something tells me I'm going to work a little harder in the next 12 months.

You don't have to just take my word for it, however. I'll be here to prove it.

- xx, Kelly.