Made Of Starlight...

There is something striking about a single key. For a while now I've had a sort of fascination with keys, specifically those without a set purpose - skeleton keys. At first no one understood why, then it became somewhat of a trend, and now that this trend is passing I'm still here, intrigued. There are so many possibilities and so many meanings behind a simple key. To look at something so ordinary and understand that it has infinite potential allows your mind to wander and your creativity to be set free. A key signifies so much condensed power; those who hold the key - to happiness, to love, to health or something as simple as the key to the front door - hold on to something powerful. Without this tiny object each is lost.

For almost four years now I have worn a key around my neck every day. I get little comments and questions about what the key belongs to. Some as if it is the key to my heart, others ask if I misplace my house key often enough to wear it on a necklace. I smile and laugh, and respond politely. This key is a skeleton key. It belongs to anything I decide it should. It is the key to my heart, the key to my happiness, the key to my success, patience, loyalty, understanding.. the key to my whole self. This key holds more symbolic importance in it's tiny features than you could even begin imagine. And so when I am asked if I ever take it off the answer is simple - no.

I carry it with me to remind me of the power I hold. I am the creator of my fate and my future and I am responsible for the direction my life takes. I dictate my own happiness and success in how much I put into my life and I am responsible for myself. It is so easy to rely on others to make us happy, but it is important to remind ourselves that if we cannot be happy alone and in our own skin we are losing control.

To hand over a key which possesses such importance and power should not be done lightly and without much consideration. And even when it is appropriate to share these things, it is crucial to remember we must always be responsible for holding this key close to our hearts. Because if we do not, there isn't another person who will hold your key nearer to them than their own - and the last thing one wants is to misplace something so important, so personal, so special.

- xx, K.

The Tears They Fall, But You Carry On...

Sometimes I get scared, and sometimes people think it's out of place, but I like to think it's because I can see how things are going to end. I don't try and fool myself into believing things that can't be confirmed and baseless optimism, or optimism at all, isn't my forte. And as much as this helps me and saves me a lot of trouble at times, it also takes some of the fun out of things. I am the true child of two accountants. I calculate risk; I ask myself whether it's worth it, whether it's likely to end well and whether I can handle it all going wrong. All of this happens in the blink of an eye, and there it is. That's when I turn and run. And it's sad, because relationships, human relationships of any kind really, seem to fall under a middle catagory. Where yes, it is worth it, but no, it's not worth really putting my heart into it. It ends up hurting too much and I keep learning this the hard way.

That's how I feel now. Except this time I put more of me into it. I put more on the line than I ever have before. And I feel so dumb for doing so. Because I have this sinking feeling that you wont ever do the same. And that you never did. That this is where I'll stay. I know I end up being expendable most of the time, but I don't understand why. And so this just hurts. I thought, silly me, that this was different. That I wouldn't end up sitting there crying. And that I'd just be happy.

I'm not mad, at myself or you really, just upset. I know better and so it just hurts. This is one of those weeks where a bunch of things all went wrong at once. One of those weeks where you stand a little too close to the edge for comfort. This is one of those weeks where I want to curl up in my bed and never get out.

- xx, K.

If You Are So Frequently In Love...

Wow, school is such a whirlwind. Things are going so fast and sooner than anyone really expects, it will be Christmas. A time of year that really excites me - a nice break, lots of food, delicious cookies, turkey, ham, presents, reuniting with all my high school friends…. just kidding I don't have any desire to do that (there are a select few exceptions of course… like, 2 of them). It will, however, be nice to get to see my new friends, see family, hang out and train hard. Just a couple more weeks of hell and then maybe I'll figure out how to work this wonderful little piece of me into the forefront of my daily routine.

Focus a little less on www.livelovespendtravel.tumblr.com and a little more on this site.. it was the original LLST anyways.

- xx, K.

It's A Tragic Game...

I'm so excited. I really am. I don't need to prove to people that I can do things, that they're not better than me or that I know what I'm talking about. I'm here for one reason and that is to get somewhere. To prove to myself that I can. And to go ahead and do all of those things you doubt I can. And I'm really excited about it. About the fact that I am getting somewhere. The fact that things are working and that I'm doing better than anyone thought I would, better than I thought I would. So to those of you who doubted me, please continue. Your disbelief drives me to work harder and stronger. Your encouragement would be nice, but hell, it changes absolutely nothing. And sweet heart, as much as you would like to believe you have a say, I wont be around to listen to your words. I would advise that you just don't bother.

I'm really excited. 

Excited to continue learning, 

to continue growing, and 

to continue surprising people. 

Because like many silly boys have told me

I'm one of a kind.

Too bad they couldn't figure out 

that translates into determined,

hard working,

hard to hold,

and impossible to tie down.

I'm just excited in general. 

Excited to grow,
Excited to succeed,

Excited to see the world, and

Excited to be free.

- xx, K.

The Saints We See Are All Made Of Gold..

I look around me and I see you everywhere. You haven't been here for a while, a month maybe, yet there are signs of your presence and memories littered about the space. Your silly little notes hang, still, where you left them for me to discover. Your baby photo which you swore you would burn if you ever found it remains hidden on my cork board. Your shirts and sweaters folded neatly in my closet for the days I feel alone, when I can't seem to get warm and all I want to do is cuddle up beside you in your bed. With my head resting on your shoulder where it fits just right. In your room, walls plastered with posters and alive with music, I am calm and comfortable unlike any other place. I have two bedrooms of my own. Neither as comfortable or seemingly my own as yours has come to be.

Things are different now. Boundaries are set in places they weren't before and I know that this is for a good reason. Times change. People change. And we changed both together and on our own.

I'm just happy that I can still be there, whenever you need me. You are one of few that I trust implicitly. I hope for the world for you and find comfort in the fact that I know you wish the same for me.

- xx, Kelly. 

Time's Run Out On Making Moves...

I'm going to do the insecure / whiney thing for a minute. So bare with me, I promise this isn't going to become a trend.

I hate that I always get myself into these situation where, yes, I have a guy.. but it's never what I want. Like, sure he's a great guy. Sure, he treats me well and sure he does and says the right things. But then there's the other side of this. Have I ever been asked on a proper date? nope. Have I ever been treated to things, or surprised and brought place and included and been that special girl? Not really, no. I always end up with the guys I'm not supposed to be with. It always ends up needing to be kept quiet. And that's translated into, we're-together-but-I-can't-outwardly-like-him. Which also means, he-has-an-excuse-to-never-acknowledge-our-relationship. And the vicious cycle continues. I don't ask for much, I'm not the pushy girlfriend who asks for things to be bought for her. My ex-boyfriend spent next to nothing on presents for me, and I loved them. He was thoughtful and took the time to do things he knew I would appreciate. Those were good days, but unfortunately, he is the ex. And so that's ended. And the current is, well, back to square one. Back to my usual situation of a boy who likely will never ask me on a proper date, and even more likely, affection is only seen behind closed doors.

Then there's the other thing that hits each one of us at different times and to different degrees. You see those girls, you know the ones I'm talking about. The ones who seem to have everything going for them. They're stunning, funny and no guy can walk past them without doing a double take. I have always been the one who's considered, "interestingly pretty" or "different" looking. That's great… except interest and different are the kinder version of words like weird and strange. I always end up befriending that girl, the one no one can resist. And as much as I want to understand their problems, I'm usually just the girl who is friends with those guys. So when she talks about how he's been after her since day one, I don't understand.

That's all. Just had to put these thoughts, these insecurities, somewhere. We all feel this every once and a while, today I do, tomorrow I'll forget them and get busy with all the excitements of homecoming weekend.

- xx, K.