One Day, We'll Walk Upon Streets Of Gold...

- xx, Kelly.

The Innocent Can Never Last...

today needs to be over.

boys need to figure their shit out.

school can fuck off.

exam marks can fio.

friends and family can do as they please.

today is not the day.

I'm not in the mood to speak.

- xx, Kelly.

The Charmed Life...

I absolutely love to read. When I have my own house and my own family, I hope I'll have a library in my house. I would love a circular library filled with my favourite books - from classic shakespeare to the silly novels one read's just for the sake of reading. There are very few things that I have found so far in my life that affect me this deeply; my friends, my horses, my family, my books. I started reading a book called "heart of the matter" by Emily Giffin today. I've read 140 pages since 7pm. That includes the two hour break I took to go for dinner with a friend and then order the bathing suit I wanted from victoria's secret.

So far, this is a story of two women, their lives so different, one is a stay at home mother the other a single working mom. They're linked by a tragic accident, the single mother's child is burnt and his doctor is the stay at home mother's husband. I can already tell I'm not going to like what happens. The husband and wife have the picture perfect family, I would jut like to believe that it will stay that way please. Because, I look for hope in books - not that I ever truly believe boys will mature or that I'll be happily married.

We shall see. Until then, I will read and reread my favourite books.

[my favourite being Glitter Baby, Lola's christmas present which she has still yet to read…]

- xx, Kelly.

You've Got Big Wheels, Well We Ride Trucks...

I'm sitting in the living room of my mom's house, blasting starry eyed with the base as high as it goes. I wish it was summer, and that I didn't have to go back to school on wednesday. I wish these weren't midterm exams, but finals. I wish I was at the barn right now. And I wish it wasn't -28 degrees celsius up there. But, I'm half way there. We've passed the shortest day of the year, things are getting better, days are getting longer and brighter. I'll see my little horse tomorrow morning, freedom is on it's way. 7 weeks until spring break with Lola. And other couple and we're at easter. Then we've entered spring and the show season. Only good things come from here on in.

I have one little thing I feel the need to say, and I hesitate because I don't know who reads this. Who knows who I am. Who cares to look into what I say. It's easier when no one knows you, but I guess that's life. I put this on the internet. It's fair game to anyone who owns or can operate a computer. So, if you're reading this, dear friend, this is how I really feel.

There's this friend, we became good friends quickly, but that stopped. Something happened, and I can't figure out what. The friend wont tell me what happened. I ask, and get nothing. "It's in the past, I never look back for anything". Not even to fix something that can change the future? I don't get it. We're all human, we all make mistakes, we are all hypocritical and we all lie. Why can't you tell me what I did this time? I can't guarantee it'll never happen again, but I can promise I'll try? I just can't comprehend what could be so difficult to say, when it's quite clearly something I've done. I put myself out there, told you how I felt. "k" or "I'm not telling you" aren't exactly answers you look for when you ask for a little in return. I'm not out to get you, you've just confused me as to what I could've done, and why you can't possibly explain to me how. I thought that was a pretty simple request. That's all I asked for, and still ask for.

I like being friends.

So I guess I'm somewhere between untouchable, and damaged. I didn't sleep last night, wrote and exam in a room that was -13 degrees this morning, and can't get this off my mind. Maybe writing about it will give me a little peace. Because rereading that, I'm happy I left it at that. I'm happy I didn't go back on what I asked for. I will not be walked all over. Sorry if that would've made things easier. I'm not looking to solely accommodate you. I ask, you give. You ask, I give. That's how this has to work.

- xx, Kelly.

the photograph for this post is more ironic than you can imagine

Lights Will Guide You Home...

I told my bestfriend that i was pregnant and the father had walked away.

He then told me that he would support me and tell everybody he was the father just so I would not be alone.

He has a strict family and a girlfriend but is willing to risk it all to look after me.

My bestfriend's LGMH and will be a great father.

-love.givesmehope.com

Marry Me - Train

Hanging By a Moment - Lifehouse

Talk You Down - The Script

Nightswimming - REM

Fix You - Coldplay

These are a couple things that always manage to make me smile. They make me realize that I have amazing friends, a wonderful family, so many people that I care about, a beautiful horse, and all the luck a girl could ask for.

- xx, Kelly.

that is all.

I lied, there's one more thing.

Please don't 'pity' me.

I said that this was over last night.

You needed the extra day, not me.

So don't try and tell me you're sad that you 'hurt' me.

I'm not hurting, you can't do that much damage.

Don't overestimate what you mean to me.

Now,

that is actually all.

Okay, So Now What?...

- xx, Kelly.

You Wear White, I'll Wear Out The Words I Love You...

And I couldn't stop tapping my foot, standing at the front of the room, waiting. Slowly a shadow beyond the deep oak archway grew; the light catches the reflection of the flowing white dress. God, I cannot believe I'm here, today is that day. Today is the beginning of our new reality.

We walk through the doors, arm in arm. I can see a quiet smile on his face out of the corner of my eye; his skin gently wrinkling around the corners of his lips. Gliding towards the altar, a smile creeping onto my face. God, I cannot believe I'm here, today is that day. Today is the beginning of my new reality.

My heart couldn't decide whether to skip a beat, or race twice as fast. The silhouette that appears from the foyer is magnificent. A slim, very simple gown hangs from her right shoulder, her hair pulled away from her face, a few loose locks glistening around her neck. God, she is beautiful - this is the girl I fell in love with.

He stands at the front of the room, fidgeting restlessly. It was that nervous dance I fell for years ago. He looks up at me with an unsure smile on his face; I smile at him and trying desperately not to burst. God, he is everything I asked for - this is the man I will spend forever after with.

Love is a beautiful, wonderful, mysterious, difficult thing.

I just hope one day when the time is right I meet the man I'm meant to be with for forever. High school relationships, even university relationships are not going to last, I know there's a story that proves this wrong every once and a while, but not here. I'm not counting on 1/1 000 000 chances like that. High school relationships are meant to build the foundation for relationships in the future - if you don't learn the skills of giving each other space, accept flaws, building a solid working relationship, how will you prepare for the day you meet that one person that will be there until the last? You have to learn to hurt, to fight, to cry, to say screw you, to get back up, fix your hair, your make up, your heart, and keep on walking.

- xx, Kelly.

What's My Name?...

Make This Moment...

The feeling of letting go. Taking that first deep breath that mixes anxiety into your blood and takes it for a ride. The adrenaline, the inability to contain your smile, the inability to contain your heart.

You’re untouchable, flying higher than anyone has ever been.

It’s freedom.

Not the kind that can be taken away,

The freedom that lives in your heart.

The sounds of the wind slipping past you,

Let your worries go, love

You’ve got all the time in the world.

He takes you to a place you’ve never been before,

Where the sun shines brighter, the birds sing louder,

The butterflies sparkle more.

Your heart tells you – take in what you can,

Before it disappears.

He wraps you up in his arms

Lifting every weight from your heart.

Let your worries go, love

You’ve got all the time in the world.

- xx, Kelly.

Infiniti Means Forever...

I want a tattoo, something I'll never regret.

Something that I can carry with me forever.

Something that expresses who I am, what I love.

I'm considering the infiniti symbol on the side of my finger.

On my right ring finger between it and my pinky.

Its where you hold the reins, and it's the finger that hold the wedding ring.

My passion, love, forever, all in one tiny symbol.

Thoughts?

- xx, Kelly.

Lost In Time...

I'm waiting.

Can you find the key?

I'm wishing.

Tell me your story?

I'm wanting.

Engulf me in your beautiful silence?

I'm whispering.

Can you hear me?

I'm here.

waiting, wishing, wanting, whispering.

That's your cue, Boy.

You know where you can find me.

- xx, Kelly.

I'm Holding You Closer Than Most, You Are My Heaven...

Today I spent the day doing my favourite things. I woke up, drove to the barn and visited my horse, my little boy. He's the one boy I'll every truly love, the only one that I know no matter what, when I fall he'll come back to me.

I picked up my stepsister, and we did another one of my favourite things - we sat in the car and talked about everything that came to mind. From boys, to school, to vacation spots to pretty houses. Glad we're across the hall from each other, Jessie.

I came home, wrote a little, and then my best friend came over. We stayed in and talk, caught up, laughed and hugged a bunch. The girl that keeps me sane when school and family and boys are driving me crazy. Love you to pieces, Lola.

All of my favourite things in one day, a kind of boring day, sure. But I got to see my horse, my best friend, and my sister. How does it get any better?

I don't think it can.

- xx, Kelly.

"Do we love anything except that which is beautiful? What then is a beautiful object? And what is beauty? What is it which charms and attracts us to the things we love? It must be the grace and loveliness inherent in them, or they would in no way move us."

- St. Augustine

Love Left To Lose...

Just stop.

Stop.

Stop.

Stop.

Please.

I'm breakable.

Fragile.

I feel too much. Insecure.

I can't figure you out.

You hurt me. You scare me.

You play games.

You confuse me.

Just STOP. I can't figure this out.

- xx?