11pm, 12pm, 1am ...

I have:

- three tests to study for

- an assignment

- a project

.. who knew school and sleep deprivation were synonyms?

Just 10 more full school days, and then we're at Christmas break already!

Can't waitt!

- xx, Kelly.

Walk Away From Him...

Everyone compromises.

We all make sacrifices, big and small, to try and make things as fair, reasonable, and favourable as possible. There are so many things we want in a day, not nearly half can go our way. It's not realistic to think otherwise. We as humans have an amazing ability to be selfish - we do what we want, when it's convenient for us, if is benefits us. Problem is, in a world of 'me firsts' something's got to give. If you each pull on one end of a rope you'll struggle to get it to one side; however, if you both agree on a side and stand at one end, voila, problem solved.

You see, there are so many things we need to learn to compromise on, in school, work, relationships and every other aspect of life. One thing I urge you to remember never to compromise, though:

Never settle for less than you deserve.

At the end of the day, shit happens, we make mistakes, people aren't who we believe them to be and hey, sometimes there's just a lovely black cloud above your head. But, you are unique, it's your black cloud, you are special, you are an individual, you are irreplaceable, you are you.

Don't ever settle for someone or something that is not deserving of you. Because if you have pride and knowledge of your self worth you are more worthy of happiness than royalty.

- xx, Kelly.

Just Like They Said It Would...

I hate this. I actually really fucking hate this feeling. In the pit of my stomach, all I can feel is that I knew all along, I should have run away while there was still a chance. I had two options: run far far away and hide behind the biggest barricade I could create, or run, not from, but to you.

It sounds so contradictory, but running away and running to you would have kept me equally as safe; to you would mean that I would have someone to hold me, listen, be there. Away meant I would be totally free of you, cut ties, and go where the wind blows.

Instead, I chose to stay standing right where I was – just a little bit out of your reach – not far enough away to protect my heart. I didn’t know what to do at the time, and honestly I still don’t know what I should have done, but one thing I do know is that I should have done something. Anything.

Because you see, you are happy. I’m happy for you, but you don’t need me, so it’s hard and complicated and everything I told you I didn’t want this to become.

I was right all along, do you see that now? Remember that night, you told me, “Kelly, you’re not going anywhere” what happened? Please explain to me what changed in a couple weeks that allowed you to forget. I’m still here, I still want to talk to you, see you, be a part, even if only a small part, of your life.

I guess they were right all along – you only befriend girls who can do something for you, as soon as they’re not useful you walk away. I learned a lovely lesson from you boy, and I thank you for that, but don’t try and deny that I haven’t changed, I’m still here somewhere in the middle, just a friend like always. You’ve run away, taking a little bit of me with you.

- xx, Kelly.

I Want You To Know...

- xx, Kelly.

Reach Within And Find You...

Back again. I'm home. The place I write my best the most the easiest. It's strange but I am calm and quiet and comfortable and happy when sitting in a cab. I don't have to speak, I don't have to be anyone, do anything i don't want to. I can just sit, think, and watch the world around me.

It's strange, but I almost feel more at home when I'm in cabs then I do in my own room. I think it's because in a cab I'm in charge of my own agenda, going, doing, seeing what I want. Something that doesn't always work when you live in your parents house.

I love being in the car, especially at night. I love the night, I love the city at night, I love that things get quiet on even the busiest of streets after 10 o'clock.

I love the city lights, I love the 'quiet' city nights, and I love making the cab stop half a block from home, and walking that little distance in the crisp night air.

- xx, Kelly.

Believe In Me...

Believe.

Believe that everything is going to be alright.

Believe that no matter what, you are beautiful, you are lovely, you are unforgettable.

Believe that you are one of millions. Believe you are one in a million.

Believe in true love and sincerity.

Believe that even the darkest days have their blessings.

Believe in the good in everyone.

Believe in karma, in revenge, in reward.

Believe in yourself, know that you can be whatever you want to be, don't limit yourself to average.

Believe the sun will rise every morning.

Believe in the magic of Christmas.

Believe in the strength of others. Believe in the strength within yourself.

Believe in fairytales, in happily ever after.

Believe in friendship.

Believe in science. Believe in God.

Believe in something more than our existence, in something greater, something beautiful.

Believe in the beauty of nature.

Believe in happiness.

Believe in our innate ability to feel, to touch, to smile, to breathe.

Believe in love.

Believe in me.

Believe in everything, whether it is good or bad. Believe because if we don't believe we have nothing. We are what we believe in. Believe in yourself especially, and believe in everyone and everything around you, they will believe in you too.

- xx, Kelly.

Maybe Next Time He'll Think...

Someone explain to me, why is it that boys do this? Why do we trust them, give them our hearts, especially when we're so young? What makes us believe that everything is going to work out, and it will all be okay? Do we really know what we're getting ourselves into?

Boys talk to girls. And I don't mean talk as in communicate, rather flirt, and everything that ensues from that point forward. I know enough boys who are technically taken, but would cheat without all that much thought on the subject.

It scares me.

I will never be that girl that a guy cheats with [to every extent I can control - if I don't know him and he says he's single, can I really control that?] because I can't imagine being in his girlfriend's position. I hope other girls have the same view on this as I do, and I hope I'm wrong about these boys.

- xx, Kelly.

We Remember...

We remember today, all those brave souls who lost their lives fighting for the freedom of generations they would never know.

We remember today, the efforts of every being in war times that brought us to a world of safety and acceptance.

We remember today, those family members who fought for freedom, and the struggle they went through.

For you, we remember...

- xx, Kelly.

Not The Kind Of Girl...

It is perfectly normal, or so I'm told, to want what you can't have. And you see, there are many days where I'm like this; I want happiness, I want help, I want someone.

My problem is, I don't really know what I'm looking for. It could be right under my nose, it could be far far away, or is could be something I'll never find. I don't know. I don't know a lot of things, but what I do know is this:

I want someone who can talk me down from anxiety attacks, make me smile and laugh even on the worst of days, encourage me to be the best I can be, tolerate my quirks, insecurities, moods, holds me tight always, someone who knows me enough to see when they need to back off, and someone who I can make truly happy. Because, you see, anyone who can make me smile and laugh, tolerate my minor insanity and anyone I can do the same for is someone worth sticking with in my opinion.

Now, do I know you yet? Or do I still need to find you?

I guess like most things, I really don't know.

- xx, Kelly.

Grow Back Stronger...

We Change, We Wait.

We change, we wait.

I am on my own,

but it's nice to see you came alone.

And this might sound wrong,

but I can only tell you through a song.

And I will take my time,

because it's the only thing that's on my side.

And this can't be real,

tell me do you ever feel?

I've been changing,

you're still waiting on me.

I'll never let go.

You said I'll never grow up.

Two years now since I met you,

and I just can't forget about you.

You don't know what you do to me,

oh you don't know what you're doing to me.

And baby I'm not lost,

I'm just a little confused on what to do.

And it's all on me,

oh it's not you why can't you see?

I've been changing,

you're still waiting on me.

I'll never let go.

You said I'll never grow up.

Who are you now?

Who are you now?

This shit is so played out.

- xx, Kelly.

No One Has To Know...

I hate these words. They allows us on so many occasions to forget our morals, and do something we wouldn't dream of doing in the light of day. Maybe it's something small, like a message to someone or sharing a secret, maybe it's a kiss, maybe it's a feeling, maybe it's an offence.

Do we ever consider the fact that someone is always going to know? You can't do anything in this life that doesn't at least slightly effect someone else. It's the ripple effect. It's everywhere.

Now, what if I told you a story of a boy I knew. It's a story of boy meets girl, but I'll tell you right now it is not a love story. It is a story that has haunted the girl since since, and hopefully by telling you it will be let go, in a sense.

One night, after a little too much, this boy met a girl, and when I say met I really mean got to know her fairly well. He started talking to her more and more, told his friends he really was into her [however believable/unbelievable that is] and I guess he really started to consider it.

One night, after a lot of fun, stress, and flirting, this girl met a boy, and when I say met I really mean got to know him fairly well. She started talking to him more and more, even though it stood in the way of a good friendship [something that shouldn't have happened but did] she started to like the boy.

That was the beginning.

One night, at the boy's house, the girl and her friends were all hanging out with the boy and his friends. It was a fun night, and ended with the call of a cab. As the girl stood up to go outside to her cab, the boy stopped her and said he would go upstairs with her. She told him she was leaving, but he said she still had 5 minutes [an old trick] before the cab would be there, and he would keep her company upstairs.

That was after the end, and a painful reminder of feeling that weren't gone.

That night, the boy walked the girl to the cab, said goodbye, and that was that. He went back inside where their other friends were.

That was before the girl's feelings towards the boy had ever gone away.

The next morning, the girl found out something that made her hurt so so much, in her heart, her lungs and her stomach. She ached on the inside, her anxiety attacked her stomach, and she had to concentrate on breathing. Now, I couldn't tell you if it was anger that took over the girl, or maybe a sense of betrayal, or loss of trust, but it was definitely something strong.

That was after the real end.

The night before, after the girl left the boy on the front step of his house, he went back to her friends and met two of her friends, when i say met i really mean got to know them fairly well.

This boy is the classic example of "no one has to know..." its what he tells them all, thats what he told me, thats how I justified it, thats how these friends justified it.

A word of advice: if someone says no one has to know, everyone is going to know. You can't expect it to stay quiet. I wont keep those secrets quiet, so sorry, but sometimes it's karma enough to let that out. Don't do it if you can't handle what it will bring the next morning.

I've made my mistakes, but I will never expect that to be kept quiet. I never asked you to patronize me and tell me everything I did wrong, thats not your problem so get the fuck out of it. I wont patronize you, thats not my problem and I want nothing to do with it. But do me a favour, grow up and realize you can't hide things forever, and after what you have done to me I wont hide that for a second.

- xx, Kelly.