If you were my last shot...

I need to heal. Something I've said a hundred times in the last 31 days.

The scary thing about healing from heartbreak is letting go. Letting go of the person you still love, and can't imagine your life without. No matter how many times people tell you, and you tell yourself even, that everything will work out. That if it is meant to be it will be. That there are so many other wonderful people out there in the world for you. That you are so special, and smart and beautiful, and that if he can't see that he's not worth it anyways. That you're better than her. Smarter. Prettier. Skinnier. That you are beautiful. That you are young and lucky to be alive. That you dodged a bullet. That you were under mounted. That he must be crazy to leave. That he doesn't realize what he's losing. That you deserve better. No matter how many times you hear these things, and no matter how clearly your mind agrees with these comments... the heart wants what the heart wants. And it takes an unfortunately long time it seems for your heart to catch up to your head.

It's scary to move on and let go of the life you had planned. The person you had planned it with. It's nerve racking to look to the future and see a sea of big, bold question marks ahead. But that doesn't mean this is the wrong thing. It means that it is a hard thing, but it doesn't make it wrong.

I want to heal. I want to spend the time to do it properly. I want to speak again someday soonish and know that you're okay. And I want to do that when I feel that I can handle it, and that when I put down the phone that I will be okay.

I want to get better and I want to find my balance and I want to smile. I want to smile without thinking about it - just because of the genuine joy that I feel.

-xx,

Give Me Faith When I Fall...

Simple questions. So many simple questions with such great power. Can you answer yes to each one? Lucky are you to have everything figured out.

If you had asked me on any day before January 16th of this year, these would be my answers: This is some version of the life I want to live but not here. This is the person I want to love. I am not my best, but will work towards it. I am strong. I am tired, and I am worn down and my energy and spirit are depleted, but I will get through this. We will get through this.

Today, my answers have changed. Today, I actually don't feel fit to provide concrete answers to these questions. But I will try. And I will let this be a marker, something to check in on, as I continue to heal and find my way.

This is not the life I want to live. I do not know where the life I want will be, and I don't know with whom, but I will search within myself to find the best life for me. And for today, this will be enough.

The person that I want to love has gone. I love him completely, I love him with all of my being, and my heart is broken. But, instead of focusing on sending love out to someone else, I can work on loving myself. And so the direction of this question changes, as does my answer: Is this the person you want to love? Yes. I want to love who I am so thoroughly that when the next person comes along, whether it is someone new or someone old, the next person I want to share my love with, I want to be so strong and so truly filled with love and happiness that I can compliment them in the greatest fashion. I want to love myself so completely that I can truly give them the best of me. And while I do not feel that I am there yet, I will keep working. I will keep loving and building on the love I have for myself and the love I want to share. And so, for today, this is enough.

This is the best I can be today. But this is not the best I will ever be. Today, my best will have to be enough. Tomorrow I will try and be better than today, but for now I will try to be better only for me. And in the coming weeks, months, and years I will build on what my best is. I will build myself up to find new bests in every aspect of my being. So for today, what I can manage is enough.

I do not feel strong today. I have not felt strong in quite a few days, weeks, and possibly months. But I am strong. I have weathered a great storm. I am not free of trials yet, but I am strong enough to handle what comes next. I am learning to be strong enough to put myself first, and for today this is enough.

Perhaps in the last few weeks I have become more kind, and far more compassionate. I can't honestly say I was at my best before that night... and maybe this is the silver lining in it all. I know, in my heart, I am a kind and compassionate person. I know also, that I am tired. Tired to an extent that I have never known before. Tired to the point of losing myself, and losing touch with those around me. So for now, the kindness and the compassion that I have must first be spent on myself. What remains can be shared, but I must take time to allow myself to heal. So for today, what I can manage is enough.

And so here we are. Twenty days ago my world as I knew it fell apart. And these past weeks have been spent in mourning, in self discovery, in learning, and in building and rebuilding. I may not feel it at every moment of every day, but I am enough.

So, in these moments that I question myself I must remember who I am. I must decide that I am enough.

Decide.
Breathe in.
Breathe out
and decide.

- xx,