The Miles Are Getting Longer...

I think about you a lot.

While driving along back roads, when I'm sitting in my room painting my nails, when I'm grocery shopping, all sorts of different times for various reasons.

I think about the things we did together, all the years you have spent with me, you've helped me grow and become who I am. You have influenced who I am more so that you know. Trips to see interesting places, in the city and around, planting flowers, going to shows and learning about all the beautiful things there are in this world. Listening to stories of the places you've seen and the things you've done.

It was always nice to have you so close by when things were going wrong. It was so nice to have a place to go when I didn't feel comfortable anywhere else. Through bullying, through divorce, through the general confusion of a young girl trying to figure out friends and how this living thing works, you were always there. If I ever needed anything, anything at all, you were a phone call away.

I drove past the farm a couple weeks ago. It feels empty knowing it's no longer ours. It's a decision that I know was difficult for you, and I know it was the right thing to do, but it doesn't mean I don't miss it. One of the few places that never changed, not even a little bit, throughout my life. With parents moving, divorce and remarriage, there wasn't much else that didn't change.

I miss you.

I miss seeing you every wednesday at lunch time, I miss driving to the farm, picking rhubarb and walking the back road and just talking to you. I miss Christmas and Easter and Thanksgiving at your house, in the dining room, with the whole family.

I'm blessed, because I've had so many wonderful chances to get to know you, to learn from you, and just to spend time with you. And I'm blessed because you're not gone yet. It's difficult to see you as you are now. It's so different from the you I knew just over a year ago, but I'm blessed to have you here the way you are, healthy and present.

Most days, I just wish I had taken more time to talk to you before all of this. Learn about your life a little more, your childhood, and your dreams. Dragged you up to the farm a few more times before it sold and down the road.
But I guess there is no point in wishing for things that can't be changed. So I'll just have to spend what time I can with you now. It's different, but I don't want to have anything else to regret.

- xx, K.