You Look So Serious...

This life, well, it's the only one we've been given.
As much as I hate the phrase, there is great truth behind yolo.
We have one life, one shot at making something of ourselves and for ourselves in this crazy place, one shot at creating our dreams and living to make us happy.
And so why do we hide behind pretences and insecurities?

All you need is 20 seconds of courage.
That's all you need to go and do something amazing.
Because if you don't, if you sit here wondering what it would be like, you're missing out.
Longing for something, or someone, is useless if you're not willing to act on it.
Dreaming of accomplishments isn't worth anything if you're not willing to go out there and make things happen.

Because we have one shot at this.
We have one chance to prove to ourselves, not everyone else (though that does come), but to ourselves, that we are capable of immeasurably inspiring things.

So please, get up!
Get up and dance and sing and cry and yell and smile!

Life is too short,
too short for anything except happiness,
too short not to take risks,
too short not to love,
too short not to be inspired
and too short not to go out there and get what you want.
What you work hard for.

Life is too short to whine and complain.
Inspire me, my dears.
Inspire yourselves.

I challenge you. This coming year, put all your difficulties and all the reasons why you can't behind you. Do it with me. Make your resolution to inspire yourself. To work hard and to smile and be that someone who never slows down. The one who seems to make everything possible. Not because it's easy, but because they are able to pick themselves up again and again and keep going. Make your dreams a reality.

- xx, Kelly.

I Think You And I Should Meet...

I've realized things today, and in the past few days, that are reassuring.

In the beginning I missed you so much. It had been a year in which I can remember sleeping in your bed, in your arms, more often than my own. It was comfortable, it was easy, and it felt right.

You were good to me even when I was less than perfect. I struggled with things beyond your control, with issues I couldn't just forget about. And even though you said I should just move on, forget and be happy, I couldn't. That was okay though. You stayed and made me smile, made me laugh and held me tight.

All those silly little things you did for me, the little notes and messages, the photos that would appear, the CDs I would find hidden days later… these things showed a side of you I hadn't known, a side I loved to see. The creativity and sneaky nature of your little gifts was my favourite part. I still keep these things, the notes, and specifically the message you wrote me on my phone - one of the many late nights you stayed with me until I could fall asleep.

You are an extremely special and talented person, and I'm so grateful I got to know you the way I did. You are talented, smart, and stubborn. I wont ever forget the nights we sat talking about things for no reason other than to hear each others voices. The songs you played for me and how you encouraged me to sing. Something I love to do, but hate to be heard doing. Your patience and ability to listen and truly not judge is amazing.

And though I could never ask for a better way to have spent that year, I am happy to see you moving on.

We were right for each other for the time in our lives, but it was not meant to be forever. We lead very different lives, with different goals and conflicting opinions.

I want you to be happy and I realize I can't be the one there by your side when you do what you need to, to accomplish this. I know I can't offer you everything you need and that someone else, another very lucky girl, will be able to. It isn't easy, but nothing in life is. You will find the girl who compliments you, who loves you and understands you and makes you smile in ways I never could. And that is okay.

I'm excited for you. Because I know you feel the same way for me. We were not meant to be together for any longer than we were. But that doesn't mean it wasn't worth it.

Thank you for everything you taught me, for helping me see what I can be and for surprising me the way you did.

Whomever I end up with will be very different from you, but I hope they share some similar traits. I hope they are witty, driven, intelligent, passionate, and are able to surprise me and make me laugh like you could. I hope they can handle spending as much time in my company as you could, and that they keep me on my toes. Because even though I get bored easily, you did a good job of keeping me alert and catching me when I least expected it.

Thank you my dear. You have been and will continue to be one of my best friends.

- xx, K.

By The Fire, Sitting, Waiting...

I find myself getting repetitive, and that is why I have been writing less lately.

I can't help it right now, though, because I can't stop thinking this. Why is it that we are so confused. I feel as though I know what I want one day, and the next it's all up in the air. Emotions are cruel, cruel things. The feeling of being alone, being all by yourself and depending on no one is something so easy, so straightforward and so entirely possible. Until you remember, or you learn, the feeling of having someone to fall back on. Until you feel what it is like to be all by yourself, to be a big girl, but to have someone watching over your shoulder, just in case.

It makes sense that they say we all look for someone who reminds us of our fathers or mothers. They are the epitome of safety; they are our backbone and our little cheering squad at the end of the day. No matter what happens, they are there for you because you are theirs. And they love you. They love you and care for you no matter what happens.

Listening to stories of people who have been together for 50 year, so close and so loving and so happy, are both exciting and terrifying in my eyes. The idea of finding someone who is so totally committed, so loving and so willing to work through life's difficulties is almost overwhelming. Their strength and their trust is admirable and inspiring.

So here's to hoping I'm capable of this. To hoping I'm able to stop pushing people away for long enough to find someone special.  To hoping they are the one I'm meant to spend forever with. To hoping for love, true and pure and immovable.

- xx, K.

Made Of Starlight...

There is something striking about a single key. For a while now I've had a sort of fascination with keys, specifically those without a set purpose - skeleton keys. At first no one understood why, then it became somewhat of a trend, and now that this trend is passing I'm still here, intrigued. There are so many possibilities and so many meanings behind a simple key. To look at something so ordinary and understand that it has infinite potential allows your mind to wander and your creativity to be set free. A key signifies so much condensed power; those who hold the key - to happiness, to love, to health or something as simple as the key to the front door - hold on to something powerful. Without this tiny object each is lost.

For almost four years now I have worn a key around my neck every day. I get little comments and questions about what the key belongs to. Some as if it is the key to my heart, others ask if I misplace my house key often enough to wear it on a necklace. I smile and laugh, and respond politely. This key is a skeleton key. It belongs to anything I decide it should. It is the key to my heart, the key to my happiness, the key to my success, patience, loyalty, understanding.. the key to my whole self. This key holds more symbolic importance in it's tiny features than you could even begin imagine. And so when I am asked if I ever take it off the answer is simple - no.

I carry it with me to remind me of the power I hold. I am the creator of my fate and my future and I am responsible for the direction my life takes. I dictate my own happiness and success in how much I put into my life and I am responsible for myself. It is so easy to rely on others to make us happy, but it is important to remind ourselves that if we cannot be happy alone and in our own skin we are losing control.

To hand over a key which possesses such importance and power should not be done lightly and without much consideration. And even when it is appropriate to share these things, it is crucial to remember we must always be responsible for holding this key close to our hearts. Because if we do not, there isn't another person who will hold your key nearer to them than their own - and the last thing one wants is to misplace something so important, so personal, so special.

- xx, K.

The Tears They Fall, But You Carry On...

Sometimes I get scared, and sometimes people think it's out of place, but I like to think it's because I can see how things are going to end. I don't try and fool myself into believing things that can't be confirmed and baseless optimism, or optimism at all, isn't my forte. And as much as this helps me and saves me a lot of trouble at times, it also takes some of the fun out of things. I am the true child of two accountants. I calculate risk; I ask myself whether it's worth it, whether it's likely to end well and whether I can handle it all going wrong. All of this happens in the blink of an eye, and there it is. That's when I turn and run. And it's sad, because relationships, human relationships of any kind really, seem to fall under a middle catagory. Where yes, it is worth it, but no, it's not worth really putting my heart into it. It ends up hurting too much and I keep learning this the hard way.

That's how I feel now. Except this time I put more of me into it. I put more on the line than I ever have before. And I feel so dumb for doing so. Because I have this sinking feeling that you wont ever do the same. And that you never did. That this is where I'll stay. I know I end up being expendable most of the time, but I don't understand why. And so this just hurts. I thought, silly me, that this was different. That I wouldn't end up sitting there crying. And that I'd just be happy.

I'm not mad, at myself or you really, just upset. I know better and so it just hurts. This is one of those weeks where a bunch of things all went wrong at once. One of those weeks where you stand a little too close to the edge for comfort. This is one of those weeks where I want to curl up in my bed and never get out.

- xx, K.

If You Are So Frequently In Love...

Wow, school is such a whirlwind. Things are going so fast and sooner than anyone really expects, it will be Christmas. A time of year that really excites me - a nice break, lots of food, delicious cookies, turkey, ham, presents, reuniting with all my high school friends…. just kidding I don't have any desire to do that (there are a select few exceptions of course… like, 2 of them). It will, however, be nice to get to see my new friends, see family, hang out and train hard. Just a couple more weeks of hell and then maybe I'll figure out how to work this wonderful little piece of me into the forefront of my daily routine.

Focus a little less on www.livelovespendtravel.tumblr.com and a little more on this site.. it was the original LLST anyways.

- xx, K.

It's A Tragic Game...

I'm so excited. I really am. I don't need to prove to people that I can do things, that they're not better than me or that I know what I'm talking about. I'm here for one reason and that is to get somewhere. To prove to myself that I can. And to go ahead and do all of those things you doubt I can. And I'm really excited about it. About the fact that I am getting somewhere. The fact that things are working and that I'm doing better than anyone thought I would, better than I thought I would. So to those of you who doubted me, please continue. Your disbelief drives me to work harder and stronger. Your encouragement would be nice, but hell, it changes absolutely nothing. And sweet heart, as much as you would like to believe you have a say, I wont be around to listen to your words. I would advise that you just don't bother.

I'm really excited. 

Excited to continue learning, 

to continue growing, and 

to continue surprising people. 

Because like many silly boys have told me

I'm one of a kind.

Too bad they couldn't figure out 

that translates into determined,

hard working,

hard to hold,

and impossible to tie down.

I'm just excited in general. 

Excited to grow,
Excited to succeed,

Excited to see the world, and

Excited to be free.

- xx, K.

The Saints We See Are All Made Of Gold..

I look around me and I see you everywhere. You haven't been here for a while, a month maybe, yet there are signs of your presence and memories littered about the space. Your silly little notes hang, still, where you left them for me to discover. Your baby photo which you swore you would burn if you ever found it remains hidden on my cork board. Your shirts and sweaters folded neatly in my closet for the days I feel alone, when I can't seem to get warm and all I want to do is cuddle up beside you in your bed. With my head resting on your shoulder where it fits just right. In your room, walls plastered with posters and alive with music, I am calm and comfortable unlike any other place. I have two bedrooms of my own. Neither as comfortable or seemingly my own as yours has come to be.

Things are different now. Boundaries are set in places they weren't before and I know that this is for a good reason. Times change. People change. And we changed both together and on our own.

I'm just happy that I can still be there, whenever you need me. You are one of few that I trust implicitly. I hope for the world for you and find comfort in the fact that I know you wish the same for me.

- xx, Kelly. 

Time's Run Out On Making Moves...

I'm going to do the insecure / whiney thing for a minute. So bare with me, I promise this isn't going to become a trend.

I hate that I always get myself into these situation where, yes, I have a guy.. but it's never what I want. Like, sure he's a great guy. Sure, he treats me well and sure he does and says the right things. But then there's the other side of this. Have I ever been asked on a proper date? nope. Have I ever been treated to things, or surprised and brought place and included and been that special girl? Not really, no. I always end up with the guys I'm not supposed to be with. It always ends up needing to be kept quiet. And that's translated into, we're-together-but-I-can't-outwardly-like-him. Which also means, he-has-an-excuse-to-never-acknowledge-our-relationship. And the vicious cycle continues. I don't ask for much, I'm not the pushy girlfriend who asks for things to be bought for her. My ex-boyfriend spent next to nothing on presents for me, and I loved them. He was thoughtful and took the time to do things he knew I would appreciate. Those were good days, but unfortunately, he is the ex. And so that's ended. And the current is, well, back to square one. Back to my usual situation of a boy who likely will never ask me on a proper date, and even more likely, affection is only seen behind closed doors.

Then there's the other thing that hits each one of us at different times and to different degrees. You see those girls, you know the ones I'm talking about. The ones who seem to have everything going for them. They're stunning, funny and no guy can walk past them without doing a double take. I have always been the one who's considered, "interestingly pretty" or "different" looking. That's great… except interest and different are the kinder version of words like weird and strange. I always end up befriending that girl, the one no one can resist. And as much as I want to understand their problems, I'm usually just the girl who is friends with those guys. So when she talks about how he's been after her since day one, I don't understand.

That's all. Just had to put these thoughts, these insecurities, somewhere. We all feel this every once and a while, today I do, tomorrow I'll forget them and get busy with all the excitements of homecoming weekend.

- xx, K.

Eight Seconds Left In Over Time, She's On Your Mind...

People come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts. No matter the length of their stay we all grow and learn and change with these experiences and are never again the same naive little person we once were. Some people stay longer, their habits and their opinions begin to mesh with our own and we live side by side peacefully in a sort of equilibrium. It's in these people that we find, when they decide it is time to leave, we find and lose ourselves and have to work to pull everything back together. It's these people we find ourselves thinking about at the most inopportune moments, these people that we crave the care and attention of when things are difficult, when we need help. Their guiding hand, once carefully placed on your back protecting and sheltering you from the heart of the storm, no longer present. The void left is unprotected, it's empty and worst of all, it's vulnerable.

And when you feel as though you'll be okay all by yourself, you've carefully put the pieces back together and everything works again, your mind wanders back to them still. But instead this time of hurt, good memories shine through. Laughter and love and smiles replace the hurt that clouded everything. It's in these moment that we find who we really are.

Standing on your own two feet, smiling and ready to take on the world by yourself until someone new decides to offer you a hand. A hand you are strong enough to accept or decline.

- xx, K.

This Clock Never Seemed So Alive...

I think it's funny how much people focus on being liked. We are social beings so of course we want to have friends. I'm not saying that we should all want to be introverted and spend 90% of our time alone, but people change so much when they think someone would rather be without them. A person could spend days telling you how little time they have for another, but the moment they suspect that the feeling is mutual - that the dislike is, in fact, felt from both ends - they obsess over mending the strained relationship.

Because it was okay for them to say rude things and ignore someone, but it stopped being okay when it happened the other way around. Because it was no problem when they called the shots, but with that power taken away they can't handle the pressure. Because some people can't imagine having to sit by themselves. Can't imagine having only one person to turn to and they can't imagine having to fend for themselves in a place where the odds are stacked against them.

I've been the one who's being unwillingly alone over and over again from one time to another and I have to say I'm okay with it. When personalities clash, experiences are wildly different, and opinions are incoherent it doesn't make sense to push a friendship. If we could get along we would've. And as much fun as it is running around worrying about what you think of me, I'm much happier knowing that I don't think about you. And your opinion, though likely valid, doesn't phase me. Sure, this is harder than it sounds, and of course it means you'll sit by yourself on weekends occasionally (or far more often than you would like). But this also means that when you find friends, which you inevitably will, they wont fade away or flit off to someone more interesting.

And if they do, you'll just keep moving forward.
You're far to valuable to waste energy worrying when they're not concerned about you.
Fight for what can and should be, not what should've never been in the first place.

- xx, K.

I Get So Restless...

I took up yoga a little over a year ago and there are days, like today, that I'm so glad I did. People are crazy, there are so many times where I wonder what the hell is going on in their little pea brains. I wonder what possessed them to believe they were making good decisions. I have my days where people think I'm just as crazy but (hopefully) they're few and far between. The lovely thing about yoga is that it teaches you how to breathe. How to get grounded and feel the stability from the ground below you. To stretch and breathe and release the tensions held in the most obscure of muscles, the tension in your entire body. It's a release that isn't comparable to many other things. It's a clarity and a freedom that keep the body fresh and the mind sharp. Allowing realistic and positive thoughts, and most importantly, allowing us to more forward. The peace found in this silent exploration of the human body through movement is an escape that saves me time and time again.

- xx, K.

Take Me To A Place You Know...

I want to travel. I have this desire, this wanderlust, driving me to see all the different corners of the earth. I want to find a lover in Paris and walk down by the seine. I want to dress in bright colourful traditional clothing in India. I want to see Thailand, Australia, China, Egypt.. I want to step foot in each continent before I pass along, I want to experience the cultures of these places and learn to believe in the good in the entire world. I want to make friends in all of these places.

I want to live the American dream, I want to go to high tea in London, I want to ski the Swiss Alps, I want to be an honorary kiwi, I want to experience all the different beautiful places this planet has to offer. All the unique landscapes and one of a kind scenery.

I'm stuck in this room, and I'm filled to the brim with wanderlust.

- xx, K.

It Will Subside...

It's amazing how things follow you. How history repeats itself in even the most obscure of situations. I always seem to be stuck in the middle of one thing or the other, but all I really want is to be far, far away. And I really had no part in getting myself stuck there.

On another note, I'm sitting in my room by myself listening to something beautiful by need to breathe and loving the otherwise silent atmosphere. Spending the time trying to figure my way out of a new dilemma. But when has that ever changed.

- xx, K.

I Hear The Whispers...

Everything I've waited these past four years for is coming to life.

I'm leaving here, starting fresh without the 'help' of those I have met along the way, and it's all happening so soon. It's amazing how quickly these things sneak up on you when you're preoccupied with all the seemingly pressing things that have to happen right away. Amazing how caught up in the moment one gets and how stepping back and taking a deep breath really clears away all the cob webs. People come and go, leaving permanent footprints on our hearts. We learn from their successes and failures and build these things into who we are. Experiences shape our thoughts and ideas fill our brains. Time never waits for us to clarify those things that happened in moments prior.

The prospect of new friends, new experiences and ideas, new successes and new failures is becoming a reality. The whispers of change in the wind are on the verge of a howl now. Time in this phase of life is coming to a close and new adventures, challenges and rewards are on the horizon.

Good luck to you all. Do not forget the implication these next few years can have on the rest of your future. May all of your dreams be attainable through hard work and perseverance. May karma be kind when you are kind.. and may it give you a swift kick in the behind when you deserve it.

- xx, Kelly.

Predictably Yours...

I seem to have had this conversation with a number of people in the last week or so, and thus it is making its appearance here. Eight times out of ten, I'll say and do things that a person who knows me well enough could expect. I like certain things, I eat a certain way and my responses to questions go one of two ways - factual or dripping with sarcasm. But, that two of ten is what confuses people. I'm not 'textbook' anything, really. There are the people who are laid back, there are those of the up-tight variety, jocks, princesses, organized, messy, active and lazy. I feel like everyone I talk to adds a different category to the list of which I fit in to. Some people dress casually, some are always done up, some are edgy, boho, preppy, sloppy.. and each combination defines each person. Some listen to what plays on the radio, some rock, indie, dubstep, country, alternative, classical, soul..

I guess the decisions a person makes and tastes a person has dictate a lot of these things, and the essence of who they are. Now before you go saying, "but these are material" or "what you listen to or how you dress doesn't define you" read a little further. We surround ourselves with the things we like and the things we appreciate. If you are extremely active and half of your wardrobe is sports gear that says something about you. You're focused, for one. These material things say a lot about you. Maybe you don't see it. Maybe you don't want to. Even the emphasis we put on these things says something. We all fit a certain mould, think and act a certain way, and we all break free of these moulds to one degree or another.

I just think it's interesting to see how much we define ourselves by these norms, or how much we define ourselves from the very same norms.

- xx, K.

You're All Here For The Very Same Reason...

In your life you will meet hundreds of thousands of different people. Some in passing, others you will get to know intimately. Each of these people will lead a different life with unique experiences, opinions and priorities. Those who's views compliment yours will become friends, and those who conflict yours will remain acquaintances. These conflicting people may have a lot or a little to say, and may have a great or a small impact on your life - no matter the gravity it is important to remember not to take their words to heart.

There are a lot of lessons I have learned in the past couple years, one of which is that you are only worth as much as your are willing to stand up for. Though it may be uncomfortable, and it may make you nervous it is important to stand up for yourself when it is necessary. It is important to deal with conflict and it is important to learn to do these things in a respectful manner.

To those of you whom spend your time using your words to hurt those around you - I'd have to ask why? Why is it necessary? We're all human. We all have these emotions and none of us are perfect; the same things coming from another's mouth and directed at you would hurt you, so why would you so purposefully do that someone else? We all make our share of mistakes and we're all learning, so keep that in mind when you speak. If what you have to say is still warranted, by all means, say it.

To those of you whom spend your time using your words to heal the scars left by the inconsiderate - you are so greatly appreciated. The little things do make a difference. A smile on the street, a door held, an unexpected compliment - these are all such minor actions but they can have a major impact. Even greater, though, are the pep talks, the support and blind loyalty that can be given. Your words, actions and kindness are all valued deeply.

Thank you, to all of you who have shaped me to be who I am, through the good, the bad and the ugly. However, even more so I thank those of you who have been kind, those of you who are willing to ruffle a few feathers in order to stand up for yourselves, and those of you who have stuck by me when it was easy to do the opposite. I'm not perfect, but neither are you. We're all just learning and we have a long and winding road ahead of us. I've learned how important it is to remain aware of and gracious of the loyal people in this life.

- xx, Kelly. 

I've Got To Know That She Can Save Me...

This world, this life, this city. This wonderful, magical whirlwind of action and anticipation that we all call home. On a beautiful sunny day, in the wind, the rain, the sleet, the hail. The intertwined paths we all walk, the knitted circles of life, and the spiral of new decisions and new knowledge meeting old. This fabulous place that we have created. We are, like each before us, bursting with potential and aspirations. We are, like each before us, counting down the seconds until we are unleashed. We are, like each before us, wrapped up in our minds and awaiting our chance to make mistakes and create disasters and masterpieces. We are unlike each before us, and in our own persons we will find new joys and despairs, successes and trifles, beginnings and ends.

And our end together is on the horizon. It is coming time to step in our own directions, moving out towards reality and into a inconsiderate and selfish world. Don't let this change you. Don't let those little green monsters adopt your heart and don't let yourself forget who you were and who you imagined you would become. It is in naïveté that we are able to believe in the good of others and strive to portray the good in ourselves. It will keep getting harder, but it is something worth working for.

- xx, Kelly.

Praise For The Springing Fresh From The World...

I tried to write in a card to say Happy Father's Day to you, but I found I didn't know what to thank you for or where to begin. Did it say enough in a couple examples, like the hours you spent driving me from one place to another without a complaint, the time and energy you invested in helping me reach my goals, the support you give which is entirely unwavering? Or would a general statement, I could have never asked for a better father, mentor and fan than what God has blessed me with and I hope you know that I love, respect and admire you wholeheartedly, be sufficient? Sitting thinking about you and everything you've done for me brings back so many memories; trips to Florida and learning to swim, late nights at the barn, learning to ride my bike and throw a football and hit a golf ball, helping you build things and listening to stories and lessons that have shaped me as a person.

Staring, still, at a blank card. 

From the bottom of my heart, I love you dad; you are an amazingly inspiring person, I cannot begin to explain how much I appreciate everything you are constantly willing to do for me and how much I respect and admire you for the hard decisions you have made and the commitments and loyalty you uphold. 

- xx, Kelly.

I'll Keep My Eyes Fixed On The Sun...

Who do you think you are to believe I owe you anything. That I would go out on a limb for you, that I would do you a favour after the 'favours' you've done me? Why is it that you believe you can treat someone like shit and when you 'forgive' them for the things you have decided were wrong, you expect gifts from them in return? Are you really that certain you're incapable of doing wrong? Or do you just choose to forget all those lovely things you said to me just months ago. Because even though you have forgiven me, I have received no apology. And you better believe I wont forget those words - that was the point though, wasn't it? Didn't you do it to 'put me in my place' or at the very least to make your opinions of me known, in the only way you know, loud and clear? 

So please, please next time you make decisions about me, remember this. 

Remember that I don't take personal attacks lightly. 

Remember that I don't need you in any way.

Remember that I'm counting down the days until I never have to see you again.

- xx, Kelly.

Over Rivers, Farms, And State-Lines...

There is no telling how many miles you will have to run when chasing a dream. There is no rule that dictates why or who will be the best, no single way of getting there. In a world where everyone chases similar goals, everyone seems to be so hung up on net worth and international ranking we forget the little things. Someone will win. Someone will lose. Both are essential, and we are the only ones dictating which role we play. Even the wealthiest men and women in the world have their fair share of problems. Happiness is truly not attained in wealth, though one may be misguided to believe it is easier. Those who always want more will not be satisfied with all the wealth the world can give them. The top competitors will get bored of being the best. And in the end we are what we eat, what we leave behind, and what we create for those to come.

So, I guess this is just saying it's time to work for those dreams. Keep running. Push through that wall and don't let rude, belittling, or down right mean people stand in your way. We are all painting a picture of ourselves and in being that way they have put a black streak through the middle of their masterpiece. You will not be handed the things that really count. It takes time and sacrifice and a little luck.

I'm trying. Trying to push past the people who seem to have nothing positive to say. Past those who are here to help but hold their personal agenda in higher standing than anything else. To get to where I want to be - at the top of this pyramid. I'm not there yet, no where near it actually. But I'm still learning and until I know for sure I can't, I'll keep on working.

- xx, Kelly. 

Fine Tune...

I'm sitting here, avoiding an essay and waiting until 7 so I can go work out. Everything I should do, ie. write this stupid paper, is so unattractive, and everything I want to do I know I shouldn't. I spent the day bored out of my mind, and now I'm really not wanting to write another word (well… I think this is an exception).

I just want to curl up in a ball with my book and with you.
Thats it.
I want to laugh and smile and read and I want to do it all at a big window because the weather is getting so much nicer. Can you feel spring coming?

Everyone has rough patches, I've had my share of them but as of right now everything is going okay for the most part, and I don't want to sit in the dark or write about books I don't like. I want to enjoy it and I want to just be. Be in the ease of it all.

And then, at 7, I want to go visit my boy. The one, and only one, that I really do love.

- xx, Kelly.

A World Between...

I wonder what people who read this think of me. You may or may not know me, and if you do, well, then the question doesn't really apply. Your opinion are varied and already set. But there are the people that keep popping up on the google stats.. Germany, Poland, England, Russia… all of these people who really do not know who I am.

It picks away at my curiosity.

How you imagine I look, how you might think I spend my time, how I dress, what kind of music and movies do I like? These things that make up me as an individual outside of this outlet. And it's funny, because like with any good book, we have an idea of what the characters should look like. I find, personally, that movies of books ruin this. I find that as soon as someone else puts a face to the name it extinguishes the person I spent all of those hours creating in my mind.

So, here is me wondering what you've created my character to be. Whether you'd get along with her or not, and why.

Feel free to explain, anonymous or not, and as always I love the feedback.

- xx, Kelly. 

Let's Get Out Of This Uptown Life...

Everything in the world as we know it comes down to timing. Did you catch your bus, were you late for school, did you get stopped at a red light, how long do you barbecue the steaks for, when do you have to leave the house? The outcome of these things will forever change the course of your life. It may seem ridiculous, but say you burn your dinner and decide to go out to get something to eat instead, and you end up running into an old friend or making a new one. That one burnt steak has changed everything. We have schedules, sure, but sometimes we just can't get everything right. Sometimes its harder than that to get things to work out at the time they appear to you.

Love is based on timing just as much as anything else. Love is timeless, but the beginning of an "everlasting" love has a small window of opportunity. People fall in and out of love because of exactly this. We lose contact or lose faith because of the time or headspace we are at in our lives. Have you ever heard someone say, "if only I'd met him a year ago..." Or, "if only she'd waited a couple months until I was in a better place..." Timing. And that's what makes good timing so special. There are so many reasons, so many ways for everything to go wrong. So many chances to mess things up, chances to make mistakes. But sometime, someone will find you when you're in a place that will allow a healthy relationship, and their in that same spot too.

This, my dears, is when you know something special has come to be. This is when the timing was right, and I hope the timing of the beat of both your individual drums continue to beat in a complimentary rhythm. Because we all will find this timing, eventually. Patience and a willingness to learn from mistakes and let those relationships that missed their time go will better you for that special case where things were right.

- xx, Kelly.

Grace, Beauty, Spirit, Fire...

I've been having a really good couple weeks, which I guess you can blame for the lack of writing. It's funny, because even though I got seriously injured, stuck at a gas station, nearly sprayed by the skunk that sprayed my dog, had to live under the same roof as a skunk-smelling dog, and left in charge of my sisters when I was already crazy busy, I loved every second of it. When you find yourself a good head space, and when things are going your way its amazing how the little setbacks become even smaller. I'm so close to being ready for competition, I've seen all my good friends from in and out of school recently and for the first time in a while I'm happy with a quiet and boring boy situation. Well, at least by my standards. There have been some funny karma moments, even funnier blonde moments, and a lot of laughter. My little creature deserves a special mention as well, hard work with few good results is something that can kill the spirit and the want to work harder. It took a year of hard work and few results, but finally my 1,500 plus hours of work have come through - success, understanding and patience have grown between myself and this stubborn little horse. He is the reason, above all else, that I'm so content.

So I guess what I'm saying is that its important to have different aspects of your life to keep you going when things get tough. Everyone needs an escape from reality, I just chose an escape that I can run to every day - the barn. Some suggestions: if you don't already have one, get yourself a pet. And get yourself a hobby separate from everything else in your life and work really hard at it. Whether it's playing an instrument, a sport, or an art form. The reward you will gain from it is unimaginable to those who sit in their basements playing video games and watching movies.

I am in school. I provide full care for two horses. I spend time with friends. I have a job. That's over 15 hours of school each week, over 30 hours at the barn, over 5 hour of work, and I can promise you, you still have time to eat, sleep, study, and go out.

I have such a difficult time understanding those who complain about having no time because I think if you dig really deep, and you're completely honest with yourself, you do have time. There is always time. Sure, you have to prioritize and some things take a back burner for a couple days, but there is always time. Focus on what you need to do, what your goals are and how to achieve them. Then take that jump and allow yourself to put all your effort into these things. It's scary putting yourself out there in a place where you might find that your best may not be good enough, but at the end of the day we are better off trying and failing than never trying at all.

- xx, Kelly.


p.s. This is a little bit of a jumbled post, but I think I got everything out. Bottom line - challenge yourself, work hard, find things you enjoy and pursue them, don't let silly girls or stupid boys ever stand in your way, karma will come to everyone, and remember the sun always sets no matter how bad a day has gone and rises to a day with a clean slate.

I Can See The Stars All The Way From Here...

I've learned that things change, people change, and it doesn't mean you forget the past of try to cover it up. It simply means you move on and treasure the memories. Letting go doesn't mean giving up, it means accepting that some things weren't meant to be.

Can I be honest, and tell you I'm not sure why we aren't still friends? I mean, sure we have our differences, we're busy and we're trying to figure things out. But does that change the fact that we were once so close, and now it's as if that was a figment of my imagination. We're both kind and complementary to each other when together, but as soon as we're apart its as though the other never existed. As though you never knew the big scary secrets and the embarrassing confessions of a once best friend? As though endless hours of conversations evaporate, and why? I couldn't really tell you, because I'm not sure my self. It seems that people drift through their lives; some drift together, some apart, and some drift side by side for long enough to call it forever. It's just unfortunate that we did the first two, when the third had always been the plan.

- xx, Kelly.

Let's Waste Time...

I don't understand people. I've spent so much time watching them, one of very few perks of being a quiet person, but still they manage to amaze me daily. Each individual's ability to do exactly as they had said they wouldn't, their ability to hurt, love, learn, and lie.

Sometimes it's lovely, something so unexpected and wonderful and exciting. A new adventure, a new friend, a new territory to wander. 

Things aren't always this way though. On the other hand, we can easily be shocked by how quickly one can pull apart something so strong. The way people just manage to dig deeper and deeper everyday, beneath the foundation, exposing it to the elements. The good, the bad and the ugly. It take 100 years to build it up, and seconds to tear it down.

- xx, Kelly.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
- Marilyn Monroe

ˈFi(ə)rlis...

fearless |ˈfi(ə)rlis|adjectivelacking fear

If I was fearless I think I'd do a few things dfferently.

Maybe I'd drive a little faster that I already do. Maybe I'd walk through more dark back alleys at night. Maybe I'd get on a plane with no return ticket and see the world on my own. Maybe I'd sleep less, worry less, think less, love more, spend more, laugh more. 

- xx, Kelly.

Red, Red, Red, Green...

Ours is a waiting society. We wait for the bus, wait for the weekend, wait until an appropriate time to eat dinner, wait for our turn to speak, wait until we can move out, wait to find someone to have to wait on for forever.. There is, of course, some doing.. but not until you've spent a sufficient amount of time waiting. Waiting for the seasons to change. We look to beginnings and ends. Excited at the prospect of something new, some uncharted path filled with promises and treasures and experiences. Anxious to complete a project dragged on far too long, a useful thing in the sense of learning perhaps, but something that must end. Waiting for the commercials to run their course. There is no deep, life-altering message behind what I've said. This is no parable. Simply fact. Take a moment, seat yourself in a subway station, at a busy intersection, at starbucks or even at the gym. Each person waits for something - be it the bus, the train, their coffee, the light to change, or a free treadmill. We have more patience than we realize, and less than is necessary.

- xx, Kelly.

Wrap Me Up, Unfold Me...

I guess you can classify me as a closet dreamer.

 I am realistic, on the verge of pessimistic, during the day and this is how anyone who knows me is likely to describe me. I don't hide my opinion, I don't hope for things that are unrealistic, I don't have time for other peoples' bullshit. However, when I'm sitting alone, and I finally stop running from one place to another, I wonder what it would be like to be Cinderella. Or the antagonist in the book I just finished reading, who's life isn't anything elaborate.. she has a pet hamster and a little apartment.. but she has this amazing boyfriend, and another gorgeous suitor. If only that was my problem. I wonder about finding someone I can stand and who actually likes being in my company enough to decide they want to deal with me permanently. At this age, I don't think I'm supposed to know what any of this is really like.

Well, I mean I guess a beautiful admirer could happen, however the latter is not something you find now. I don't believe many people find their true love before they have grown fully into the person they want to be, and I know I'm not done growing yet. I believe everyone needs to learn how to be alone, how to stand up and face the world without a shoulder to lean on. Until we are capable of this how can we function in love and a relationship?

Unfortunately, it sucks to be that one person at the company christmas party without a date, because when everyone inevitably pairs off where does that leave you? Other than standing silently willing someone to approach you. It sucks to sit at home in the cold at night without a boy or girl to talk to and it sucks to crawl into an empty bed after you've felt how inviting a pre-heated one is. It sucks, but my dear, that's life.

And so we all carry on, holding our heads up and smiling even if it sucks. I know I will until some confused man decides they want me to be an element in their forever. I hope you do too. And I hope you can keep that smile knowing one day it will be your turn, rushing this makes you look like a fool and is incapable of ending with anything good. Today, you will be your own hero.

- xx, Kelly.

Take Care Of You...

A hero is an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles. 

Christopher Reeve, a man who suffered an accident leaving him a quadriplegic and faced more difficulty in his life than any one of us has the capacity to imagine, said this. He suffered great loss, and in light of this he fought for the rest of his years to do good by those who have suffered similar losses.

People give up too easily. The human race is supposed to be resilient, we're supposed to be strong, we're supposed to be fighters and we're supposed to be in control of ourselves. We live in a place where people have an astounding capacity for cruelty, an ability to be so totally degrading to one another and an ability to hate. There are people who let these traits control their lives, and there are the people who let these traits scare them out of living. There are also people with an astounding capacity to love, so great that it defines us as a species. Those who embrace this ability are fulfilled, those who are embraced by it are content.

The problem, as I see it, is that we get focused on the little things that happen and displease us - we focus on the things that are holding us back and forget that there is only one thing truly stopping our growth.

You are the creator of your own fate. You are your own greatest critic. You are the single barrier keeping you from that which you so desire.

The people around you will come and go, each one having an effect on who you are. Hold their good judgement close to your heart, accept their constructive criticism. Do not overwhelm yourself with the desire to change for them.

You are strong. You are beautiful. You are unique.

Right now is only a passing second, one of our greatest saving graces is that time never stands still. Believe in yourself, know your capacity to love, remember that you are young and that as slow as time may feel it will one day come to an end. There is no use rushing this end, you have much more work left to do here.

- xx, Kelly. 

Wanted Someone So Much It Hurts...

I'm ready to come home, I think. This place is beautiful, truly spectacular and I've had an amazing time. The problem is that it's the people here that make it what it is. A house comes to life when you're surrounded by the lively people in it - without these people it is merely bricks and mortar. If I were to stay it wouldn't be half of what it is now. I'm excited to get back and see the people I've missed, the animals I miss dearly, and my bed. This was a wonderful and relaxing way to begin a year in which everything changes. The beginning of an end, the countdown to a new beginning, and an entirely new world separate from it all.

- xx, Kelly.