You're Rad, Bro...

If there is one thing I've learnt in the past 24 hours, it is how much it hurts when things go wrong, and that person you trusted and turned to in the face of problems is the same person hurting you. How much it hurts to find out that you meant less than you thought you did to the person who, in a spineless and pathetic moment, threw everything away. And how lovely the idea of breaking down and crying, hiding away and closing everyone out sounds. But I wont do it. When I get thrown to the ground I assess the damage, brush off the dirt, pick my self up again and keep walking. One foot in front of the other. Because as much as I want to be sitting in your arms on your bed watching batman, walking my dog with you and finding a place to hide away and talk about all the wonderful things we want to do, or making waffles together at midnight because I can't ignore my stomach anymore, I can't. I can't and I wont do it as much as it hurts not to. Those things are memories now. Something I will never regret because while it lasted it was so, so good. But now you've made a choice and I'm not sticking around. I will keep walking away because I know there are bigger and better things for me, and love, you know full fucking well how I feel about you, and about her, and that I will always be okay. So while she crawls back to you every single chance she gets, I wont do it. It's just too bad you took that for granted.

And yes, you said you'll see me around?
I sure as hell hope not.

- xx, Kelly.

Bring On The Rain...

I don't know why I stick around.

It would be so much easier to just run away. 

So much more straight-forward, more fun to hide in a place like this.

But I've never taken the easy road. And I don't give in that easily.
So please know you didn't get anything you didn't deserve.
And I hope you can live with yourself and what you've done.
My hands are clean, but are yours?

- xx, Kelly. 

Start Again A Little Higher...

I don't want to say. I don't want to fall because I don't see anyone there to catch me. I don't see this ending well. Of course you could argue nothing ever does; we all fight, break up, hurt, and die at some point, but it's this feeling that I can't quite harness. It's a fear of sorts, not of you but of myself. Because you see, my world has been turned upside-down and I still haven't quite landed on my feet. Everything and everyone is changing and this throws another thing at me. And in all honesty, I take time to adjust to change. To adjust to not knowing who I was closest to months ago, learning the other side of those people, and then this. I feel like I say this so often, but it's funny how things change and how quickly they do. Funny how quickly people lose each other and forget the good things and focus only on the bad. How quick people are to point fingers, and how happy they are to wish ill on you. It's the human condition. We are all set on speaking of the bad before the good, gossiping, and denying what we've said when it finally catches up to us. If you admit to it, you're the bad guy. If you don't everyone continues being civil because that's the way the wheel spins. We say things we don't mean and they're taken as true, we voice our opinion and then hide it away somewhere untouchable out of fear of it being known. Every newspaper, magazine and online article of any real popularity is bursting with degrading and negative comments. There are the few people who aim to heal the world, to help to poor and feed the hungry and that's wonderful. Truly I think you are some of the strongest people in the world, but please many of you need to learn to treat the people you see everyday with respect. You don't just need to be nice to those in need and cautious of them. If you can't go a day without gossiping about people and hearing "through the grape vines" about another's personal business I have just as much respect for you as I do for those who only gossip. Which I promise you is very little.

So once I wrap my head around all of this, once I've stopped spinning and I'm back on my feet again I'll give you a call. But don't wait for me. If you're smart you'll do what the rest of them have done and you'll walk away. It's a safer option most of the time, and this isn't an exception to that.

- xx, Kelly.

Endlessly...

Nothing is easy if you're doing it right. If you really put your heart and soul into something and invest effort in it, you can't expect it not to take some work. Doing something you hate just because societal norms say you should isn't a decent reason to do it. Doing something useless because it's easy isn't a half decent reason either. Why would you waste your precious time on things that have no meaning? I've got news for you, love, we only have a certain amount of time on this Earth and you're spending it on things of zero significance, zero satisfaction and zero worth. Enjoy what you do. Do things that inspire you and will inspire others. Make the change in yourself that you'd like to see in the world. Stop sitting there staring off into space, or cyber-space, for countless hours on end wishing your life was like someone else's. The only person in charge of your fate is you. And with a little luck, you could accomplish great things. Monumental things. Life altering things that take the world as we know it and give it a whole new meaning! So why then, may I ask, are you wasting this precious time watching the Kardashians spend their money and ruin their shallow marriages when you could be doing something productive that actually makes you feel like you've accomplished more than gaining 5 pound. Why not read a book, write something, go outside and be active. Find something you love, hold on to that, and pour your heart and soul into it. You are what you do for the world, and when you leave this material place don't you want someone to be able to say, hey, remember her? She won a nobel prize, she wrote a novel, she discovered this and created that. She was #1 in the world in her field. She was amazing.

Because what you don't realize while you sit on your bed with your computer, is that the people who manage these things could've just sat there. Could've watched television all night and lived on stumble upon and tumblr. But they had bigger goals for themselves. The sky may be your limit, but theirs isn't quite so definite. Find those goals. Challenge yourself.

- xx, Kelly.

Hurts Like Heaven...

I hate finding things you're not supposed to know about. I only ever looked for my Christmas presents once and when I found them I felt awful. I felt empty and like I'd ruined something special when it turned out to be a Santa present and I knew it was there all along. Sometimes those things you accidentally stumble upon are big enough to reduce you to tears. Sometimes they pick apart old wounds and draw out your insecurities. Sometimes they make you aware of the ripple effect of your actions. Today I found something and now I don't know what to say. Other than I'm so sorry a million times over. Hurting you was never something I intended to do, I hope you know that and I hope you understand that I do truly mean it. Whether you find this the way I found you or not is essentially irrelevant at this point. What is in the past cannot be changed, I just wish I'd known.

I'm sorry love, there was no harm intended. Sometimes things don't work out the way you'd like them to and sometimes a good thing comes to a bad end.

- xx, Kelly.

Who Are You...

Dreams are such funny things. Its amazing how these squishy little things inside our head have so much power. Really though. Our brain and memories are extraordinary - things that you don't remember in your conscious mind, things that you didn't think bothered you and things that evoke the deepest emotions all run rampant as soon as you're unable to keep them back anymore. And in this your wildest hopes, your greatest fears, and your concerns and question ring true.

I'm curious. I want to know who reads this, who still follows my little outlet and where you're from. I'm not expecting much. But tell me something about you. Tell me where you're from. Tell me your wildest dreams. Anything. I've officially re-allowed comments on posts. Feel free to let me know something about you. Anonymous is totally okay with me, I'm just curious.

Ignorance Is Bliss...

That is what they say, isn't it? Is it not so much easier, much 'safer' to go without knowing than to be aware of anything at all? Things aren't always happy and smiling and pleasant. Sometimes things get ugly. Thing get messy. Sometimes things don't work out. And sometimes, sometimes things hurt and the ones to hurt you are exactly those you thought couldn't. Sometimes it's the person standing right beside you who hides the most from you. And it's always this person who hurts you the most.

- xx, Kelly.