My Castle Stands Upon Pillars Of Salt And Pillars Of Sand...

History repeats itself. Over and over and over and over again. Sometimes I feel like if we just made smarter decisions, changed our patterns and listened to different people we could avoid all the disaster, the disappointment and the failure. But wont we always hit that wall? At some point we'll make the same mistake again. We're human after all. So why do we bother.. Why would you put so much effort into something that clearly isn't working? Why chase a dream that is fleeting. Why hold onto something that has such capability to hurt you and why cling to the idea of something that was, but is now gone. It's gone. There is no reason to follow after it. So pick a different path, perhaps. Maybe it's a good idea to start fresh. Maybe things can only go up from here. You will never know if you don't try it. What good has what you've been doing created?

- xx, Kelly.

Make Your Way To The Beat Of The Drum...

You win.

You win, you win, you win. All of you. Because I don't have the energy to deal with your bullshit. I don't have any real desire to suffer through it. With or without you, I'll survive. With would be lovely, but without is 100% doable.

Sometimes we forget that all we really need is ourselves and our sanity. So long as you make sure you've got both of those things you will forever be okay.

I'm always okay, and you know, I've got more than just those two things - I have an amazing family, my sisters keep me stronger than anything else could, and I have a couple good friends. I have my dog and my horse and I have my freedom. I don't need a million friends when a couple true friends will do. At the end of the day, it's these people who mean the most to me.

So don't you worry your pretty little mind - I'll be just fine. Just make your decisions wisely, love, because you'll never truly comprehend the gravity of your actions. I never have.

- xx, Kelly.

And The Clock Stops...

And here it is ladies (and gentlemen I guess, although I'm not sure what you're reading a pathetic / sappy / destructive (at times) blog for). The truth, well.. as I see it and it seems like wiz agrees.

Except now all I can hear are these lies and I've started to recognize them. The make up, well, I ditched that a while ago for those crucial 10 extra minutes of sleep.. but the lies are just beginning to ring clear.

I don't trust you. Any of you. So say what you will, I'll keep it in mind but I know there is a whole second side to your story and that my dear, makes me extremely uncomfortable.

- xx, Kelly.

Long Way Home...

It's a long way home and I don't know if I'm ready to leave. This place. This lovely, magical, wonderful place full of memories and smiles and heartbreak and tears. And laughter. Lots and lots of laughter. A beautiful city, a crazy beautiful life and crazy beautiful people. It seems like I came just days ago, walking through the front doors, up the stairs, discovering a whole new life in a place I didn't know. It seems like days ago that I first met you. Yes, you. Days ago that we fell apart and back together again. It was days ago that we realized we will fall apart now. In distance. I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset. That's what you said to me. Well, here we are. It's my last day in this place and I am leaving behind the sunset and embracing a whole new sunrise. I didn't think it could come. The day I have to pack all my bags, collect all my things, my thoughts, my goodbyes and get out of here. But it's time. I can feel the winds changing. I always told you I'll leave when the wind blows. I'm sorry, love, but the wind is headed far from here. So kiss me and smile for me. Tell me that you'll wait for me. Hold me like you'll never lets me go. But please don't wait and please do let me go. All Good Things must come to an end. This is looking like the end of a good thing, but if we should ever cross paths I'll be waiting. But if this is really the end, well, then you can walk away and it would be the last time. I hope you want that as little as I do. So don't say goodbye because in the morning I'll see you around. In a new place, under a new sunrise.

- xx, Kelly.

Watch Them Burn...

There's a spider that lives on the ceiling of my room. He hasn't left the ceiling in a couple weeks, at least not to my knowledge. How the hell is this thing not dead yet?

- xx, Kelly.

Second's Best...

Sometimes I hate that anyone knows this exists.

Sometimes I hate that anyone exists.

Sometimes I hate running.

Right now however, I think I shall.

- xx, Kelly.

More Time - Need To Breathe

A Place Where Smiles Wont Fade...

Today I woke up thinking I was completely content with the way everything was working out. That I didn't mind all the peculiar situations I end up in and that being just me, no second half, was totally okay. That being able to walk alone was quite nice. That walking alone was all I know how to do.

And then tick, like a time bomb that was on it's last few seconds, boom. It hits you. Standing beside that girl who's boyfriend isn't over protective, just protective. Isn't clingy, just there for her. Isn't afraid of the world seeing how much he cares, just isn't obnoxious about it. It's frustrating because it's just so foreign to me, yet I can't help my heart from aching when I'm around those people. How nice it is to have someone to hold you when you're sitting outside in the cold freezing your ass off for hours. Someone to help you with odd little things that just seem to make everything easier. Someone to tell you it's okay even when you feel like it really really is not.

I'm so afraid of how badly it could turn out that I forget how well it could. That maybe some boys don't want to screw you over. Maybe they care.

I don't really know the feeling. I'm sure I've done it to myself in some ways, but it has just turned out so badly so often. I just like to think about how nice that must be - it's not jealousy I don't think, more admiration of how well two people can go together and how strong you have to be to keep that together.

I don't really know the feeling. I'm sure I will one day, but that poor guy is going to have a lot of convincing to do if I'm going to believe in someone having good intentions.

- xx, Kelly.

I Want You To Want Me...

I wont settle for confusion and I wont settle for this. Maybe the reason I'm so terrified of commitment, so convinced I can't do it is because I need someone to convince me. And so far no one has succeeded. I feel like it just takes a little push, a guiding hand, a strong hand to help me because I'm scared. I'm scared because this has never gone well for me. No friend, no boy has ever taken the time to stick around without leaving things a mess. And by a mess I mean seriously fucking me over. The problem is that I can't imagine someone with any other end goal. So here we are. Stuck between fear and hope.

Content?

Always.

Confused?

Always.

Waiting?

Always.

- xx, Kelly.