Tired Of The Sunset...

It's funny to think about how much happens in each persons life. We are our own entity, we have our own problems, our own worries, our own goals and set backs and accomplishments. We walk around and sometimes forget about how the world doesn't just effect us, but everyone around us too.

When I'm driving I wonder about some of the people who I pass or who pass by me. Each person in their own little bubble listening to their own music and worrying about their own problem. We may not know them, but we share things in common. We may have mutual friend or enemies, we may love the same colour or band or compete in the same sport. We could be soul mates. You'd never know though. We're all too wrapped up in our own little worlds to consider how someone else's is working.

- xx, Kelly.

Love Looking Like Diamonds...

I'm sitting in the cold. Alone. As the sky gets darker, rain prepares to fall and leaves turn over in hiding. The wind is blowing my hair in every direction. I'm shivering and I'm hurting. But something is comforting me. Something about hurting is safe.

I've always felt better outside, in the fresh air and in silence where I have space to think. I've always felt better in the cold. It keeps me grounded.

So I'm sitting here, in the cold, wishing things had happened differently than they always seem to. Asking myself, why does it seem like I can't figure out forever? How to find forever? I know what it means, but it seems so foreign.. so unattainable. I've moved around since year one. constant things in my life are few and far between. Maybe that's why I can't seem to figure it out.

I know forever isn't something you have to think about in high school. Everyone is changing, everything is so influenced by media and people are finding themselves. But I feel like I know who I am. I am honest, I'm blunt, and I like me.

Everything in my life is forever changing. Houses, neighbours, schools, coaches, siblings, animals, cities.

Maybe that's why forever seems so difficult, so impossible, so imaginary.

- xx, Kelly.

There's A Freeway Running Through The Yard...

Isn't it ironic that in feeling so much you feel nothing at all? That when you have everything to say you can't utter a single syllable? And that when you have everything to do you can't seem to move an inch?

Isn't it funny how everything you hope for has a funny way of getting flipped up side down on the way? Everything you work towards can just pick up and walk away? And how everyone you love can disappear at the drop of a hat?

Life is ironic. Life is funny. Life is every adjective under the sun the moon and the stars. Life is everything, everything except boring. Except mundane, except eventless. Except empty.

Life is never empty. So no matter how much you feel and cannot find the words to say remember:

You are special, love, you are cherished and you are beautiful. Sometimes someone on the outside has to remind you. But don't ever forget it.

- xx, Kelly.

Our World Is Spinning At The Speed Of Light…

- xx, Kelly.

Talking And Twisting It Down...

I'm sorry, but I have to put this somewhere. I don't have any desire to cause problems, but I'm not about to pretend that this wont.

Who the fuck do you think you are to tell me that you're better than me? What gives you that sense of entitlement that you can bluntly state that I have lower standards, that you are busier, you life is harder, you have more to worry about? I'm sorry, but if you feel that way either keep it to yourself or don't expect me to be okay with it.

There are a lot of things I could say, a lot of examples I could bring up to fight against you. But I wont. I have no desire to prove myself to you. If you can't accept that my life is just as rough as your pretty little life is I don't have a whole lot more to say other than take a look around you. Last time I checked your world isn't crumbling around you. Mine's not either. The difference: I don't pretend that mine is no matter how much pressure I'm under.

- xx, Kelly.

In This White Wave I Am Sinking...

I have days where I wish I was invisible. I wish I could simply float through my day unnoticed, untouched, unharmed. I wish I didn't have to speak; I am content with silence. Days where I'm happy to say nothing at all and just do my own thing

I have days where I wish I wasn't invisible. I wish people would walk up to me instead of around me. I wish someone would start a conversation with me, not because it benefits them, but because maybe they're just interested in what I have to say? Maybe they what to know what I think, listen to me, get my opinion?

I have days where I wish I was with someone. I wish there was a guy I could call when everything was falling apart. Someone I could call and ask to pick me up at any hour with as little of an explanation as "I need you right now, please". Someone that could help me face my fear and put my back together when I fall apart. I wish I had someone to hold on to me, smile at me, think of me.

I have days where I wish I wasn't surrounded by couples. Not because I want that, rather because it's more fun being single. I don't need a guy's emotions to deal with, I can handle myself and my problems on my own too. I love sharing my single bed with my dog and devoting my time to my horse. A boy would just waste my time.

I have days where I wish I wasn't so indecisive. Today is one of those days. It seems that everything I want is the exact same as everything I don't. It seems that everything that occupies my thoughts is so trivial. Everything I feel useless. Toska. A Russian word that can't be directly translated into english. This is what I feel on these days. And I have yet to figure out what I'll do about it.

- xx, Kelly.